ATTACK! Pro Wrestling – Teenagers With Attitude (May 13, 2017)

ATTACK!’s latest show proved to be rather prophetic, as a certain Teenager With Attitude got his comeuppance.

A superhuman effort from ATTACK! (or to be more specific, their video tech G-Man) saw this show get released a little over 12 hours after the final bell, which is the closest we’ll probably get to live ATTACK! shows without being in the building! Which in this case literally was a converted barn!

Dan Moloney vs. Paul D. Heyman vs. Kyle Fletcher vs. Love Making Demon
Oh my word, ring announcer Jim Lee joined in with the crowd doing all of the “DAN!” shouts… and the bass on his ring music is so loud it’s shaking that hard camera to pieces. His opponent here was Drew Parker’s latest Extreme iteration… PAUL HEYMAN!? What the hell?! He’s out in the baseball cap, shirt, tie and security pass – just like in Beyond The Mat… which led him to reel out that speech at the start of the match. And they just superkicked him.

Kyle Fletcher – who looked a LOT like Jay White in ROH – was making his ATTACK! debut here, and I’d love to know what was going through his mind when he saw the Love Making Demon.

Chris Roberts forgot to get the bell rung, as the Demon wheelbarrow’d Fletcher into the turnbuckles, allowing Moloney to hit his Dan punches in the corner. This quickly descended into the usual four-way mayhem, with Paul D. landing a tope con hilo to the outside before taking a leaping hip attack from the Demon. Paul D. spins out a torture rack into a Go To Sleep on the Demon, before a spinning brainbuster from Fletcher gets rid of the Extremely Confused One… as Dan comes in with a sit-out Samoan driver and a big boot for the win. Pretty good, chaotic fun… albeit short. A good way to open these shows! ***

Elijah vs. Ryan Smile
Elijah leapt into Smile with forearms at the opening “we hate Shay” bell ring, and it was the newcomer who took the initiative in the early going, knocking down the former Anti-Fun Police member with a dropkick.

Smile rebounded though, and did as one fan asked – and jumped on Elijah on the outside with a low-pe. He ended up crashing and burning seconds later as Elijah pulled him off the top rope, before a clothesline turned him inside out for a near-fall, with Smile only saving himself via a rope break. It seems that Shay turning 18 helps him notice these things!

Smile begged Elijah to hit him, but he ducked every shot and booted Elijah into the corner for a running forearm, which led to a tope con hilo that nearly wiped out a fan. That was followed up with Smile negotiating the low ceiling… and eventually come back with a Blue Thunder Bomb for another near-fall. A crucifix bomb gets Elijah a near-fall as he tried to turn things back, before cracking Ryan with a headbutt, then a pop-up powerbomb to get slightly closer to victory.

A series of forearms put Elijah on the back foot again though, but he snaps back with a spin-out cravat as he pulled Ryan back from a springboard. Yup, that got another near-fall, which triggered Ryan into more slaps and forearms before the “Out of Somewhere” OsCutter nearly beat Elijah. After avoiding another powerbomb, Smile superkicks his way back into it, before heading up for a frog splash to secure victory. Another fun, short outing, with the setting forcing Ryan Smile to perhaps ditch a lot of his usual offence, lest he break his skull on the roof! ***¼

The heck? The Anti-Fun Police emerge next without being prompted… Chief Deputy Dunne’s got his siren loudhailer, along with Los Federales Santos Junior and the Brothers Obstruction. Santos isn’t in action here though…

Anti-Fun Police (Chief Deputy Dunne & Brothers of Obstruction (Jim Obstruction & Lee Obstruction) vs. Bowl-a-Rama (Splits McPins & Lloyd Katt) & Tyler Bate
Lloyd Katt’s the new ATTACK! 24/7 champion, beating Joey Ryan backstage on an IPW:UK show not too long ago. It’s a long story…

Tyler Bate was here with his WWE UK title, which is a far cry from the days where we all thought the WWE UK guys were banned on Vimeo. If Chief Deputy Dunne went through with his threat of confiscating the belt, that may well come to pass! After a long spell of Tyler fighting to fold his jacket (only to throw it into the crowd), Bate gets confused by the “we hate Shay” bell ring, as the crowd launch into their Tipton hatred.

Tyler grabs an arm of one of the Brothers of Obstruction, but the back and forth is so nonchalant, Bate was having fun just playing around. Bate follows up with an inverted Boston crab that he switched into a pendulum swing as one of the Brothers became overly friendly with the bottom turnbuckle, despite the protestations of the rest of the Anti-Fun Police. From there, Tyler challenged Chief Deputy Dunne into a fun game of dead arm, but it just ended up with Dunne getting punched in his No Fun Zone as we finally got a spot of Bowl-a-Rama.

Some slow-mo wrestling gave us some fun, before Katt piled all of the Anti-Fun Police onto each other… only for them to thwart a three-way dive. Santos Jr got involved to distract the referee as the Anti-Fun Police tried to kill Splits with his own bowling ball, but instead we got a pile-up in the corner as all the bad guys took the bowling ball to their groins! And a bowling-ball-shaped Tyler Bate…

From there, Tyler was isolated as the Anti-Fun Police kept him away from his partners… but he made a comeback with a discus big boot to Dunne after elbowing away the Brothers of Obstruction… only to be unable to tag out as those Obstructive duo pulled down Bowl-a-Rama. Finally Bate resumed a comeback as he became a one-man wrecking crew, before doing the Terry Funk spot, with Chief Deputy Dunne being the ladder. AWESOME.

The Obstructive Two were dispatched of with ease by Bowl-a-Rama, with some cool double-team offence, before the Brothers revealed that they were the ones who blew up Bowl-a-Rama! Enraged, he was flattened with More Bang for Your Buck, before Santos and Dunne took a pair of topes, whilst the other Brother took a Koppo Kick and a Tyler Driver for the win. Stunning stuff here, and a match that fit perfectly within the ATTACK! Universe. ***¾

After the match, everyone celebrated with their belts and props… Lloyd Katt got distracted by Tyler’s shiny belt, and wanted to hold it, so they teased a trade-off. Instead, Tyler just rolled him up, and Splits McPins counted the pin. That rotten scoundrel, double-crossing his partner! Tyler’s your new 24/7 champion!

After a break, we got the Anti-Fun Police music. Oh hey, Chief Deputy Dunne’s back with Sergeant Banks – the latter of which was back after a few months away. Sergeant Banks is mad. Not just that Los Federales Santos Jr. is “gallivanting with his man… I mean boss”, but also that he’s no longer the top prospect within the Anti-Fun Police, and promises to beat “Flash” Morgan Webster to prove his worth. A lone voice in the crowd asks Banks “where’s your TK gone?”, with a reply (from someone else) being, “deportations are fun”. HARSH. Oh, and too soon.

Sergeant Banks vs. Flash Morgan Webster
Chief Deputy Dunne trying to drown out the crowd with his siren here is amazing… as is his cheerleading from ringside in the early going.

A dropkick from Webster knocks Dunne off the apron into Santos Jr – making Banks even more jealous – before he indulges in a spot of really fun rope-running, with Webster guiding traffic as Banks was helpless to knock Dunne off the apron yet again, and this time into the loving embrace of Santos Jr. Webster covers the eyes as he tries to stop Banks from seeing it… hell, even Chris Roberts stands in the way, but to no avail as the Sergeant spots the embrace and reacts like he’s just caught his man cheating. Not even Chris Roberts telling Travis that, in 2017, there’s nothing wrong with two men kissing (“we could even kiss!”) could calm him down.

Webster lands a knee and looks to go for the Strangler, but Dunne pops up on the apron again and this time Banks takes advantage of it, throwing Webster to the wolves outside. Again, Webster recovers and lands a diving clothesline before cracking Banks with a headbutt… only to take a cannonball in the corner as someone’s steaming coffee makes tape.

Webster flies once more with a ‘rana out of the corner, before connecting with an ushigoroshi for a two-count. The back and forth continues with Banks coming close with a fisherman’s driver, prompting cries of “I was supposed to win” from the so-called top recruit, which gets the Anti-Fun Police back into the ring to console him. Dunne calls Banks his top recruit again, and we get a heartwarming moment before Webster headbutts Dunne and and Santos. Banks tries to outsmart “Flash” with the same trick, but Banks ends up throwing a headbutt, only to fall and get caught between Santos Jr’s arse cheeks. He heads outside to get a breather, but Webster flies to the outside with him, then returns for a Destino for another near-fall.

From there, Webster gets the Strangler in… but Santos Jr goes on the apron to distract the referee from the tap-out. Dunne comes in and gets another Strangler, but that leaves Webster helpless as Banks springs out of the corner with a Slice of Heaven, and that’s enough for the win. Glorious, beautiful, nonsense. I love the Anti-Fun Police, and all of their wackiness that’s absolutely not fun in any way. Uh-uh… ***¾

The main event was announced as a tag match, with #CCK in non-title action against FSU. However, a surprise was sprung as ring announcer Jim Lee spilled the beans… birthday boy Shay Purser danced to “happy birthday”, before being told that this was going to be a six-man tag. Against FSU and… Pete Dunne! Peter came out with a birthday cake… and if you’ve watched any wrestling, you know where that’s going eventually.

#CCK (Chris Brookes & Mondai Lykos) & Shay Purser vs. FSU (Mark Andrews & Eddie Dennis) & Pete Dunne
It’s so weird seeing Pete as a loved babyface, but here it is. The match started with Dunne blasting Shay with a forearm, before FSU were dragged to the outside, allowing Shay to try and get his own back. It didn’t work… as he got press slammed onto #CCK on the outside for an unhappy landing.

Referee Chris Roberts got used as a battering ram into Lykos, before he returned the favour, then used a fan to do the same. What the hell is going on?! Dunne struggled to use Eddie Dennis as one, before Andrews helped out… and watched as Mondai Lykos dived onto Eddie, then got thrown into the crowd.

Somewhere in here, I think Shay took a wishbone leg spitter, before Chris Roberts rudely interrupted things as he continued to be used as a battering ram by everyone. When everyone returned to the ring, Lykos honked like a goose as Dunne wore him down, before Eddie Dennis flat-out killed the wolf with a forearm smash. Poor Lykos. The masked wolf continued to get isolated as Andrews pulled him into a surfboard, but things quickly change as Andrews gets clobbered with an elevated Codebreaker and a pair of back sentons as the bad guys took over.

Mark gets a wet willie, because of course he does, and then Shay decides to become a man and give Andrews one as well. Lykos baits the good guys into the ring as the #CCK-and-Shay beatdown continues, at least until the wolf goes for a brainbuster. Shay comes in to help, but it’s turned into a double Stundog Millionaire, allowing Eddie Dennis to come in and drop #CCK with a diving clothesline.

#CCK run into Eddie’s fallaway slam/Samoan drop combo, before Lykos somehow catches Eddie with a Lo Mein Pain off the top rope. Things turn around again as Dunne catches both of #CCK in a single leg crab until Shay breaks it up with some forearms that Dunne just laughs off… before sending him flying into the corner with one swift forearm of his own.Dunne follows up with a moonsault to the floor after everyone else had gone back there.

Inside again, FSU double-team to work a self-inflicted DDT onto #CCK, leaving Shay open for an attempt at a Last Stop Driver. Instead he escapes and hits a pair of low blows, before Dunne blocked a third and returned the favour. From there, #CCK return to nearly kill Dunne with a slingshot cutter and a reverse ‘rana, before Brookes’ twisting neckbreaker helped Lykos get a near-fall on Eddie.

Andrews comes in next to chop away on the champs, before Eddie Dennis catches Lykos in an Ink Bomb attempt, before FSU set up the champs for an accidental tombstone. Shay and Lykos take a double tombstone for a near-fall as the wackiness continues, as do the forearms, before a crossbody-assisted suplex sees Lykos left laying by Eddie. There’s no pinfall though, as a crucifix buckle bomb is attempted… and ends up with FSU wiping out each other by mistake. #CCK go all Young Bucks until Eddie dumps them with more clotheslines.. And then Shay remembers it was his birthday.

He grabs the cake that Pete had gotten him, and yes, we get it… Pedigree into the Cake – and that’s enough for the win! Shay gets the rest of the cake thrown into him afterwards as the Defend Indy Wrestling trio enjoy the last laugh. For now…***¾

You know the deal with ATTACK! shows – their shows are not always about fantastic wrestling, but wrestling doesn’t need to be serious all the time, and nor should it be. ATTACK! rarely have anything close to a bad match, and judging by the reactions from those who are there live… and the buzz that comes out of these shows, they always end up putting on a fun show for all. The fact they’re getting into the habit of turning shows around quickly can only be a good thing, and help the brand grow outside of the lucky hundred-or-so that are able to make it to their regular haunts.

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