It was a big PPV day, so ATTACK! is back with a show that really isn’t a tie-in (honest!); but seemed to be more of a set-up for the promotion’s Christmas-themed shows next month.
SRVRSRSLY (This Time It Really Isn’t A PPV Tie In Event!) was meant to have been the latest ATTACK! show at the Walkabout in Cardiff – but a late venue change meant that we were going back to the Bingo Hall in Cathays for the first solo ATTACK! show there in almost six months. It also marked a first for ATTACK! – the first show they’ve ever live-streamed, with their Facebook page playing host to hundreds of folks from around the world watching the show simultaneously. We’ve a rather different layout in the Bingo Hall, as we now have a video screen! Hey, we’ve even got shiny new lower-thirds too!
Kyle Fletcher vs. Dick Riley
It was an ATTACK! debut for Riley, who has been around for a while, dating back to the old FWA days (okay, the revived FWA, but still). Fortunately, he’s moved away from wrestling under his real name – which is the same as a rather problematic politician (to say the least)…
The thing is, Riley’s new name now opens up some more jokes. Like when the crowd chanted that Shay loved him. Hey, nobody judges! The rather less problematic, “hey, that’s a dick move” comments followed when Riley was on offence early, which is technically correct. Anyway, the pair have a pretty even contest, swapping holds early on before Riley surprises Fletcher with a neckbreaker for an early two-count. Kyle comes back with a low dropkick to take Riley down, before nailing a standing moonsault to keep him there for a few seconds, as Riley took things outside for a tope con hilo.
An impressive corkscrew crossbody out of the corner has Riley back in control inside the ring, but as one fan put it… he dicked around too much and ended up letting Fletcher back into it, culminating in a step up flip dive to the outside as the Aussie Arrow took to the sky. Out of nowhere, Riley nearly wins with a running Spanish fly, before Fletcher’s Michinoku driver gets a similar result as the pair start to trade kicks.
Fletcher stops it with a lawn-dart into the turnbuckles, before a diving boot gets the Aussie the win. Perfectly fine stuff to open the show – and Riley showed his worth here. With any luck, this will be more than a one-and-done for “Dirty Dick”. ***
Sadly, they’ve edited out the in-between bits on the VOD – so Jim Lee’s banter really is for the live crowds only!
ELIJAH vs. Drew Parker vs. El Phantasmo vs. Danny Jones vs. Jack Sexsmith vs. Love Making Demon
We’ve another ATTACK! debut here, this time featuring another of our favourites: El Phantasmo! He’s getting around a lot these days… as is the Love Making Demon, who’s back for another crack with Jack Sexsmith.
Their first outing over in GOOD Wrestling was a bit of alright… and left our Jack with fond memories.
The action got underway pretty quickly, and as you’d guess, it’s the usual multi-man format – two in, everyone else out! It keeps the crowd’s focus on what’s going on in the ring, rather than being distracted by something relatively minor… and our first “showdown” comes between ELIJAH and the Demon, who’s more than happy to show him where the passion went.
Phantasmo finds the passion too, and gets down on a knee for the Demon, before he leaps up for a ridiculous spot of rope walking – leaping over an attack from ELIJAH – en route to a ‘rana.
— Hoelazo Dan (@GolazoDan) November 22, 2017
I guarantee you, the other 99 times this happens, ELP crotches himself! Still, he takes to the air again for a rope-walk into a moonsault to the floor, before we’re back to the usual routine. By which I mean “Sexsmith falls into the arms of the Demon”, before Drew and ELIJAH break up that unrequited love. Still, the Demon finds his way back into Jack’s heart, jumping into the path of Mr Cocko before giving him a Demon Destroyer. Love is weird, eh?
Phantasmo nearly wins it with a moonsault, senton bomb pairing, but his pin on ELIJAH’s stopped when someone new hits the ring and pulls out the referee. ELIJAH starts giving orders to Drew Parker, who goes up top and flattens ELP with a 450 Splash… and that’s enough for the win! We’ve a new trio in ATTACK! with ELIJAH and Drew Parker joining forces with the mystery man, known only by the name on his shirt: BISHOP.
This was pretty standard for a multi-way match – a lot going on, but at least the takeaway from this was crystal clear by the end. ***¼
After the match, the trio go after the Demon, but Jack Sexsmith dives in to save his squeeze from being unmasked. He learned that from David Starr, I hear…
ATTACK! Championship: Kid Lykos vs. Flash Morgan Webster (c)
They edited off raffle talk, which makes me sad. Kid Lykos demanded a shot at the title after pinning Webster in a ten-man tag at the (un-taped) Wednesday Night Wristlocks show a week or so earlier. The wolf was out on his own, since Chris Brookes is now a good guy who doesn’t believe in fighting unfairly… and was also on holiday.
Shay Purser was the referee, turning a blind eye to everything and anything, such as the baking tray shot that Lykos opened up with. Of course, Lykos going for a brainbuster was one of his downfalls, as Webster blocked it and took the wolf outside for some chops. Shay finally did his job, stopping Lykos from using one of the tensioner straps under the ring to attack (or kill) Webster with, but of course it was a ruse as it meant Shay just turned a blind eye as Lykos threw the champion into the ring post.
Webster gets back into it again as he escaped a back suplex, and quickly squashes the wolf with a Special Brew Flip, but it’s short-loved as Lykos goes after the leg to put himself back in control. Even if the crowd were on his back for the lack of a Chris Brookes with him…
Again Webster rebounds with a springboard moonsault out of the corner, before a knee to the head softened up Lykos for a Brit Pop Drop. The back-and-forth resumes as Lykos borrows his friend’s move, trapping Webster in an Octopus, but he’s forced to look elsewhere as he hits a release back suplex with a cheeky kick on the way down instead.
After another Webster comeback, Shay tries to protect Lykos by acting as a human shield, but it doesn’t work… so he plays Chris Brookes and nearly helps Lykos get the win… but the wolf tries for a brainbuster, and we know how that works! Flash chops his way back in once again, before Lykos knees away from a hands-up headbutt as a prelude to him finally landing a brainbuster!
Problem was, Flash rolled to the outside straight away… and by the time Lykos rolled him back in for another one, he’d recovered enough to counter the brainbuster into whatever-he-calls Destino. It’s not enough, so Lykos lands another brainbuster, which seem to be like buses in that after you get one, you can’t stop them coming. Except Lykos put too much stock in the brainbuster, costing him in the end as he fell to a reverse Brit Pop Drop and a senton, before being forced to tap to the Strangler! A fun title match here, with Lykos really impressing in his rare opportunity of a singles appearance. ***½
Mark Davis vs. Eddie Dennis
The best way to start the second half is… with some big lads!
They started furiously, with Eddie shying away from a high five from Dunkzilla. He knows better than that! Instead, it’s the big lads’ staple of shoulder blocks, with a little bit of lucha-style flipping thrown in just to remind us – this ain’t your old school big lads’ graps! Eddie Mysterio makes an appearance, without a mask, only to get flapjack’d for the heck of it. Eddie hits back by dumping Davis onto the apron, but a low dropkick ensured that the Aussie kept the momentum swinging, with an Arabian press to the outside seeing Dunkzilla clip the stage before wiping out the “Pride of Wales” for a near-fall.
We got an innovative counter to the swinging side slam as Eddie’s rolled into the turnbuckles as Davis went for a one-armed powerbomb for… reasons. A Samoan drop sees Eddie cut all that off, before the pair seemingly reset and went straight back into clubbering clotheslines! It all led to Dunkzilla taking Eddie flying with an inverted torture rack slam (or whatever the hell he calls it) off the middle rope, before the tit-for-tat continued with a crucifix bomb in the middle of the ring.
Davis kicks out of that, then counters out of a Next Stop driver and nails Eddie with an Awful Waffle, but Eddie’s not done yet, as he superkicks Davis into oblivion, before finally getting off the Next Stop Driver. Yep, as good as you’d expect: two agile big lads throwing at each other like there was no tomorrow, in front of an ever-enthusiastic crowd. Lovely stuff! ***¾
Bowl-a-Rama (Splits McPins & Lloyd Katt) vs. Anti-Fun Police (James Obstruction & Los Federales Santos Jr.)
I love attention to detail – such as the extra bits on the lower-third for the Anti-Fun Police here. We’ve got James Obstruction and Santos Jr. representing the bad guys here, with the obligatory evil referee present in the form of Shay, who had to hold back Santos Jr. from going after the crowd.
Splits McPins flipped around Obstruction in the opening stages, before Santos tagged in and demanded to face the Bowling Daddy. Perhaps he remembered the super fun burrito he was fed months ago during their tit-for-tat kidnapping? Problem was, he also reminded Katt of the time they blew up his bowling alley, and that just angered the Daddy of Bowling.
James Obstruction leaps into Splits, using Santos as a springboard, as Shay again conveniently forgot to enforce any kind of tag rules. The crowd got in form again, calling Obstruction “a shit Stevie Richards” (I’ll be looking forward to those tech reviews in five years…), just as Santos squashes him in the corner. Bowl-a-Rama learn during the match, and stop another step-up leg lariat in the corner as Katt catches Obstruction and dumps him into Santos as the bowlers surged ahead, but their run didn’t last as a back senton from Santos squashes Katt for another near-fall. The Anti-Fun 3D keeps the near-falls coming, before Splits piled up the Anti-Fun Police for a spot of bowling!
We’re back among the crowd, but Katt goes further than he thought, as his attempt to cannonball onto Santos ended when Shay pulled the man described as a “human bean bag” away, sending the Bowling Daddy several rows deep. With Katt gone, and the referee distracted (for what good that is), Obstruction nails Splits with a hard hat… and that’s enough for a perfectly normal three-count. Huh… a bit of an anticlimactic finish, but the match itself was alright for where it was on the bill. ***
Santos and Obstruction continued the beat-down on the Bowlers after the match… and when Splits and Lloyd got the upper hand… Shay low blows them. The crowd go wild for some reason… oh God it’s Chris Roberts!
In ATTACK! World, Roberts had quit after Shay put him through a table on one of their (non-recorded) shows days earlier. Roberts was dressed to referee, and had a microphone in hand, because he had something to say to the impudent official: enough is enough… Roberts isn’t a referee anymore, he’s wrestling. You what? Roberts clotheslines Shay out of the ring, and challenges him to a Loser Leaves ATTACK! match on next month’s Mistletour shows. Oh dear Shay…
Chief Deputy Dunne vs. Travis Banks
Yeah, Jim said the F-word… so we’re getting a double dose of Santos here. At least he’s trying to save us from looking at Dunne’s bits! In the meantime, Dunne wants to shut down the show… but first he’s got some words for Travis Banks. Apparently nobody in the locker room is “fun enough to stop him.”
That sounds like a challenge.
— Hoelazo Dan (@GolazoDan) November 23, 2017
Yep, with Rapper’s Delight serenading us, we have an overly tanned, pre-Kiwi Buzzsaw Travis Banks. Cannot. Unsee. What is it with Cathays that makes Travis this way?! He’s the Anti-Anti-Fun Police, or the “sexy Sergeant”, as the Cardiff crowd have taken to calling him… and that gives Chief Deputy Dunne palpitations.
Should be an easy win then, eh? Unless Trav overdoes his “fun-ah” screams… Dunne slaps Banks after his requests to “freeze” were ignored, but his former Sergeant quickly fires up with some kicks and some fun en-route to sending Dunne outside for cover. By which, I mean, another kick, of course, as they fight through the crowd and towards the merch tables, as the crowd willingly hold Dunne in place for some chops.
Sexy Dancing Banks returns to the ring, but gets caught by an enziguiri as Dunne took over with furious stomps, seemingly intent on putting an end to any part of sexy Travis Banks, by fair means or foul. It was only a matter of time before Banks fought back though, tripping Dunne into the corner for one of his trademark cannonballs, but he took too long in aping Dunne’s “fun’s over” rope-hung DDT, and instead had to make do with some more dives instead.
Back inside, the tide shifts again as Dunne countered a Slice of Heaven with a back cracker, but Banks hit back with the springboard stomp and a Coast to Coast dropkick… which Dunne countered in mid-air with a spear.
Dunne found out the hard way (again) that you can’t give Banks a German suplex, but he did find out that you can avoid a Slice of Heaven and return fire with a lungblower… even if it’s still not enough to win the match. The counters continue as the Fun’s Over DDT is turned into a small package, before Banks countered another springboard lungblower into a Lion’s Clutch… just as James Obstruction hit the ring for a distraction.
It worked, but not enough as a low blow and a small package doesn’t put Banks away… but then Travis accidentally gives the referee a Slice of Heaven, which is the cue for an Anti-Fun Police pile-on. Well, it would have been had Banks ducked away, giving him a chance to hit a Kiwi Krusher for a comical two-count – one that the ref was clearly counting with a bit of a lag! With the ref still woozy, Banks tried for another Slice of Heaven, but gets met with Dunne’s megaphone before the Fun’s Over DDT gets the win. Not a popular result, but the outcome you’d have to expect given the shenanigans at ringside throughout. ***¼
Banks grabbed the microphone after the match and issued a challenge of his own for the Mistletour – Banks vs. Dunne: Snow Holds Barred. Oh, that pun…
When ATTACK! was forced to move to their regular venue for their supershow, it would have been easy to assume that this would instantly have been downgraded to “just a show”. While it’s true that SRVRSRSLY… didn’t have a blow away match or moment that ATTACK!’s regular big shows do, it did set up some stuff for the year-end Mistletour, with that Shay vs. Roberts “battle of the refs” match adding some intrigue.
Without being too snarky, hopefully the result of this “loser leaves town” match is gone for a little longer than the last guy involved in one!