WrestlePro started off ‘Mania weekend in New York/New Jersey with a show that sought to answer the question: does funny equal money? Not on this showing…
This offering came from the Rahway Rec Centre in Rahway, New Jersey. It’s a long one, weighing in at over three hours, and having a dubbed in “one fall” already gets my back up… actually, it’s not dubbed, it’s a brief battle of ring announcers. Goodie! Commentary comes from those ring announcers, Dave Sturchio and McKenzie Mitchell (formerly of Impact).
Bobby Wayward vs. Kikutaro
This one started off slow as the Rahway crowd didn’t seem to “get” Kikutaro, not really reacting as he traded holds with Wayward early. Shoulder tackles didn’t get anyone in the lead, so Kikutaro goes for the arm, only for Wayward to get free and force Kikutaro into the corner.
Wayward chokes Kikutaro from the outside, like the time that fan went after Raven in WCW, before Kikutaro used the referee, whipping the official into Wayward in the corner. A Flair flop catches everyone out, bar Wayward, who goes for a quick cover from that, before a neckbreaker drops Kikutaro for another near-fall. A mule kick from Kikutaro turns it around, but Wayward does the same… this time in full view of the ref, who doesn’t DQ anyone. So Kikutaro low blows the ref, as some ball-aching chops led us into a Fisherman suplex that would have won… except the ref stopped his count to grab his groin. Well, that’s a new one.
Wayward uses the ref again to repeat the earlier elbow spot, but Kikutaro do-see-do’s his way out as Wayward’s taken down. He tries again, but then ends up with the referee doing an accidental DDT on him, before a Shining Wizard from Kikutaro got the win. Eh, your standard comedy match, with some funny spots, but if you’re not into comedy, you’ll be left with a sour taste in your mouth. This may be a pattern. *½
Before the next match, we’re interrupted by Dan Lambert. He’s the only one who gets a name plate, and not former UFC interim light heavyweight champion Colby Covington. Priorities. It led to an open challenge from Lambert for John Hartnett, but not before Lambert buried the modern product. His history lesson drags badly, and then he cancels the open challenge… except Scarlett Bordeaux took that as a cue to come out.
Hartnett wants the match, and I guess we’re underway.
John Hartnett vs. Scarlett Bordeaux
Bordeaux starts off by chopping the tar out of Hartnett in the corner, before rushing in with a hip attack and a Jig ‘n’ Tonic for the win. Well, at least it was short.
After the match, Lambert pushes down Bordeaux from behind before Hartnett came back with a wooden board… but he just gets speared through it as Scarlett fought back. I like how the crowd didn’t give a stuff about Hartnett as he was carried to the back.
Pat Buck vs. Santana Jackson
So, I was about to bury Buck for coming out in… whatever this is.
Then I see his opponent is a Michael Jackson cosplay act. In 2019. WHY? He was booked for the “moonwalk DDT” that he did a whiles ago, but given the recent news, this feels like an unwise booking. Jackson spins away from Buck early on, before he stopped to put on the sparkling glove. The dancing continues as Jackson does a rope walk, and then Pat Buck kills him with a clothesline. A spear’s next, before a spinning tombstone led to… Jackson sitting up and doing the Thriller dance as he hulked up.
A People’s Elbow is next as Jackson’s rattling through the Attitude Era finishers, before he back body drops Buck, who put himself in position for a DDT… only to be made to low blow himself. Why is this still going? The ridiculous Moonwalk DDT is next, but the referee stalls as Buck rolls to the outside at the count of two, and into the path of a tope. They tease a Moonwalk DDT on the ramp, but Buck drops him back inside with a Fireman’s Carry takedown from the apron before an Electric Chair Drop got the win. Well, the “right guy won”, but I didn’t care for the comedy to begin with… and it dragged something rotten. -*
I don’t have a clue what’s going on, but the different cameras have different “looks”, which jars as they cut between them.
Johnny Clash vs. Anthony Bowens vs. Jake Manning vs. Matt Macintosh
Clash is the champion of the sort-of affiliated Create-A-Pro promotion, while Jake Manning brought a pop-up tent with him. It was as cumbersome as it sounded.
I think I saw Macintosh a little while back on one of the random Forza Lucha shows we covered last year. We’re about three years on from that show, and thankfully Macintosh has changed his look a lot, as our match starts with the tent stuck in the ring. Macintosh just lifts the tent out, because he’s got work to do… and he gets punched out by Manning as our four-way broke down into two pairings. Our crack production crew cuts away from a Kotaro Krusher from Bowens to Clash, while commentary seemed bemused by Manning’s usual gimmick of reading the Man Scout Manual. Look, I’m not a connoisseur of US indy wrestling and even I know that… do your damn research if you’re commentating!
Manning reads his manual as Macintosh sleep-walks through leapfrogs and drop downs, for the LOLs. The Man Scout then rides him, only to get superkicked away as he headed under the ring for a rope as he tried to… lasso an opponent? Manning and Bowens tie-up Clash with the rope, before he’s unravelled and made dizzy, which made that one fan clap in appreciation. An Airplane spin makes it worse for Clash, who ended up taking a spinning facebuster for a near-fall as Macintosh came in to break it up. Matt’s handspring is blocked as duelling neckbreakers left him and Bowens down… and now Manning is back in with his tent… which he zips in Bowens, Macintosh and Clash, but he celebrates too soon and gets dragged into the tent for an awkward slumber party.
They escape and work around the tent, before Clash and Bowens were taken outside for a tope con giro from Macintosh. Manning teases a dive, but he just throws the tent onto them before Macintosh went back inside with an Apple Slicer (OsCutter) for a near-fall on Manning. A Blockbuster from Bowens gets himself a near-fall as Clash broke up the cover, before a backbreaker/Flatliner combo from Clash got another two-count.
A Trust Fall from Manning into Clash nearly had a bad landing, but he gets a two-count out of it as Jake brings the tent back in, which Bowens sold like death, before a Tower of Doom sent Clash into the tent as Manning took the win. Finally, some comedy that worked – although if you want to nitpick… did this need to be a four-way? **¾
Rest in Peace, the Manscout Tent. 2019-2019. Probably.
Team Tremendous (Dan Barry & Bill Carr) vs. Demon Bunny (Rosemary & Allie)
I thought Allie was killed off last week?
There’s some comedy early as Barry and Carr grabbed hold of some random belts, including what looked like a replica WWE UK belt, that of course commentary couldn’t name-check. When we got going, Barry effortlessly broke out of a hammerlock, only to get taken down with armdrags, before Rosemary came in to bite away on Barry. Allie’s back for the wristlock, as the pair tagged in and out. Bill Carr’s in too to aim his gun at Rosemary, but she finds an unusual way to block it before Barry returned and began to choke on her in the ropes. Carr’s back, but he holds back from chopping Rosemary in the corner… and since we can barely hear the wrestlers, this is comedy that doesn’t play well.
Dan Barry had no such hesitation, but he’s quickly caught in a Tarantula and a tornado DDT, before Allie returned with a series of double sledges… Carr gets the same treatment, but just stands there as Allie bounced off of her with a shoulder tackle. Allie gets a second wind, catching Carr with sliding forearms in the corner, before Carr made a comeback of his own, landing a Bossman slam on Rosemary for a near-fall.
Rosemary escapes and shoved Carr and Barry into each other, but they rebound with an elevated double-team lungblower for a near-fall. That’s broken up by Rosemary, who’s thrown outside… only to return as she misted Carr before a lungblower/German suplex combo put away Barry. This was fine, but the comedy simply didn’t land on the VOD. **½
Let’s skip past intermission…
Bird Box Match: Shawn Donavan vs. Buster Jackson
Full disclosure here, I’ve not seen Bird Box, but this is just a glorified blindfold match. Even the ref’s blindfolded, but the rules are that you have to remove the blindfold before you get a pin.
After some early fumbling, Donavan is able to charge Jackson into the corner, before he yelled at a bare turnbuckle since Buster walked away. The referee stays in the corner, clinging onto the ropes as he tried… but we got some flashes of action and a lot of stumbling around here. Donavan kicks at thin air as he walked towards the ref… who hiptosses his way out of trouble. Somehow, both Jackson and Donavan head outside, but manage to find their way back in, but not before Donavan managed to find a chair. He somehow found a way to hit the ring post with the chair, which was fortuitous at best, before he made it back inside and low blowed Jackson.
Something tells me those blindfolds aren’t legit.
Donavan heads up top, but misses a Bret Hart forearm drop, before Jackson managed to pull off Donavan’s blindfold… and Shawn just stands there like a statue. He then headed up top… and senton bombed himself into the middle of the ring, and despite being blindfolded, the referee counts the three, checking the shoulders between each count. I may have appreciated the in-joke had I seen the movie, but as a match, this was rotten. -***
Post-match, Donavan sold it like death, in-line with the movie, as two referees dragged his body to the outside.
Gauntlet: Grim & Flamingo Freddie IV vs. Shook Crew (Bobby Orlando, Bryce Donovan & Max Caster) vs. Breakfast Club (CPA & Kip Stevens) vs. Massage Force (Dorian Graves & VSK) vs. Job Security (Ronnie Moses & Malcom Moss) vs. Kevin Matthews & Fallah Bahh vs. Blue World Order (Blue Meanie & Nova) vs. Team España (Jos A & Jos B)
Grim is a YouTube star, and he apparently does a wrestle. Like in this tag team gauntlet.
Flamingo tags in Grim early to limbo underneath Caster, who was propped on the ropes for an assisted suplex. Grim takes Donovan into the corner for a big splash, which took Bryce down for a Stinkface… then a hip attack as Caster tries to make a save. Freddie’s back in with a back senton before he made Grim “surf” on Donovan’s back. Poor sod. Grim then “does the whale”, flopping like a dead fish as he tried to do the Worm. This fell flat, as did the slow-mo Benny Hill chase on the outside, which ended with some neckbreakers from Freddie back inside. I think Grim’s blown up, and as the ref checks on him, the Shook Crew pop-up and punt Freddie low for the elimination. The Breakfast Club are out next as he Shook Crew drew a line in the ring to mark their “safe space”… the goofy Breakfast Club kick away the cones, as the Shook Crew made a substitution.
Orlando hits Caster with Stevens’ pull-off tie, but the Shook Crew come back with a body slam and a Mic Drop (a literal mic-assisted elbow drop off the middle rope) for a near-fall as the crowd went mild. Even more so when the Crew get introduced to Grim’s arse, as he laid there flat on the mat… but having men’s heads thrown into his arse seemed to wake him up as Kip Stevens became a house on fire, throwing lariats for fun.
CPA goes for a comedy crossbody, which was caught… unlike Stevens’ crossbody. Back in the ring, Stevens gives an inflatable goat a Destroyer, before a Hart Attack took Orlando down for the count. Next up: Massage Force, who didn’t exactly rush to capitalise on the beatdown that the Shook Crew left on their opponents. Instead… they give neck rubs.
CPA throws some, forearms, I guess, at Graves, before VSK came in and dumped Stevens with a takedown. I zone out for a bit, and wake up as the Breakfast Club hit some movez, but VSK breaks up the cover quickly, before a missed Hart Attack from Stevens let Massage Force back in. VSK clotheslines CPA outside, then clocks him with a tope before an ushigoroshi and a low dropkick put Stevens down for a near-fall. CPA tries to fight back, but leaps into a pair of superkicks, before a slip ‘n’ slide headbutt led to the Breakfast Club’s elimination. Out come Job Security, who don’t get immediately identified by name as I’m fast losing interest in this match. Moss hits a belly-to-belly on VSK for a near-fall, while Graves gets booted into the corner by Ronnie Moses. This’d be a lot more palatable if the crowd were into it, but they’re so patently checked out of this match, waking up briefly as a senton-assisted neckbreaker had Moss down… only for Moses to stop a second slip ‘n’ slide attack. Instead, he’s thrown into Moss in the corner, before a pop-up lungblower led to the end of Job Security.
THREE MORE TEAMS REMAIN. WHY?
KM and Fallah Bahh are out next, and Bahh is having fun with this crowd, dropping VSK with a sidewalk slam before a pair of splashes flattened him. They then mocked the Massage Force slip ‘n’ slide, with Bahh… just flattening KM as he went for the slide. Because Comedy. KM and Bahh recover as they whip Massage Force into each other, before KM rolls over them (“the Panda Express”)… Bahh does the same, which has more effect, before the ref got in on the act… and even McKenzie Mitchell, which got one of the loudest pops of the match. After that, another slip ‘n’ slide misses as VSK sailed into the corner, before he ate a Banzai drop from Bahh.
TWO TEAMS LEFT… and the penultimate entry is the Blue World Order, sans Big Stevie Cool, sadly. There’s some comedy as Nova recalled the time he “fired KM”, as a big boot sent KM rolling outside and all the way onto the stage. Back in the ring, KM wants the Meanie, but it’s just a con so Bahh can tag in, as the big lads charge into each other. Meanie tickles Bahh’s belly for a while, but another shoulder charge takes Bahh outside, where Meanie’s teased dive sends everyone screaming in terror. A perfectly acceptable reaction.
Rev Pro Blurry Cam returns as we wait for everyone to return, but them the referee notices that Bahh was the legal man, and since he’s run out of town, he’s counted out. Well, that’s a finish. Bahh eventually returns, hot dog in hand, as he moped back to the ring upon discovering his team was eliminated. There’s a Scott Steiner line here to explain how this is comedy…
Finally, they’re jumped by the last team in the tournament, Team España – Jos A and Jos B – whose gear is jump suits based on the Spanish football team kid. They mock the Blue Meanie’s dance, but Jos B gets knocked down by Meanie, while Jos A had similar issues. Nova lands a leg drop, but Meanie’s too slow getting out of the ring, so the ref doesn’t count, and we finish with the Warrior/Rude Mania finish, as Nova goes for a suplex, only for Jos B and an un-named manager to pull Nova’s legs and hold him down for the pin. Great. It’s over. This had its moments, but it went way, way too long and lost the crowd long before the end. DUD
Street Fight: Danny Maff vs. Swoggle
Swoggle’s on his “I’m Not Dead” tour, and there’s a lot of matches with him this weekend that exist for the “hey, he big, Swoggle small” dynamic.
Swoggle gets some chairs to help out, as he demands that Maff sit down and fight him. To his credit, Swoggle cracks Maff, but he just gets decked with a big boot before he returned and beat Maff around with a step ladder. We get the comedy “bin on head” spot from Maff, as Swoggle smacks the bin with a Kendo stick. The Kendo stick’s used some more by Swoggle, who just gets obliterated by a bin shot from Maff, who then headed backsage for some more plunder. Maff comes back with a barbed wire chair, while Swoggle busted out some Duplo (get the brand right, guys!). There’s a staple gun too, which Maff threatened to use, only for Swoggle to get after some biting… and of course, Swoggle staples Danny’s Maffs before a Stunner got a near-fall.
Maff replies with a sidewalk slam into the Duplo, but Swoggle returned the favour as he pulled Maff off the top rope into the plastic bricks, before using the barbed wire chair for a near-fall. Swoggle tries for a cutter into the chair, but Maff just blocks it and dumps him into it, before he took Swoggle up top for a Burning Hammer… but he let Swoggle down rather than throw him into any of the weaponry. Defiantly, Swoggle comes back with a low blow, and nearly wins with a small package before he spat at Maff… took a superkick, and then got choked out with a stepladder for the win. It may have lacked the energy or intensity, but this was a perfectly fine plunder match, especially given what we’d already seen here. *¾
Heavenly Bodies (Desirable Dustin & Gigolo Justin) vs. Santino Marella & Colt Cabana
Our main event is firmly in the comedy bucket, with Colt and Santino instantly starting off badly as a high five between them was counted as a tag from our overly-anal ref.
You can hear the crowd laughing at a sweary child as we finally locked-up, with Santino sending Justin scurrying with the mere threat of a Cobra. Dustin’s in to take a headlock, before Santino bounces off him with a shoulder tackle as the ol’ faithful Cobra seemed to work. All four men ended up in the ring as Colt and Santino power-walked past the Heavenly Bodies, following up with some Dusty punches and a Bionic elbow. Santino has to drag Dustin into the corner for a double sledge from Cabana, for the comedy, before Santino teased going up top, only to land his double sledge off the bottom rope. A double back elbow keeps Dustin down, as do duelling big boots as Colt and Santino seemed to be having issues with their double teams.
Colt finds himself isolated as Justin tags in, allowing the Bodies to take the upper hand, despite Santino’s attempt at untying the tag rope so he could tag in from anywhere. Comedy that commentary missed… Santino falls into the ring as he tried to lean in to break up a pin on Cabana… and it’s not helped when Cabana’s despairing dive for a tag came up hopelessly short. There’s a nasty crack as Justin as thrown outside, but Dustin’s still around to stop Colt from tagging out as the crowd didn’t seem all that into the Heavenly Bodies. Finally Santino comes in and nails a falling headbutt as somehow the ref was left laying… meaning that nobody could make a call as Killer Kross (formerly of Impact) ran in to attack Santino from behind.
Kross cuts a promo as everyone was left laying in the ring (and on the floor), decrying the whole show as “not best for business” before blaming Santino for ruining his ability to make money. A low blow sent Santino down, before Colt got one too, as Kross confused Cabana with Joey Ryan. Yeah, that’s the cue for the man with a “dick of steel” to appear, as Kross threatened to kick Ryan in the balls. Ryan beats him to the punch, kicking him low before superkicking a lollipop out of his mouth. The Heavenly Bodies return, but Colt and Santino do too, as duelling Cobras were teased… instead, we get duelling dick flips from Ryan before the Cobras as the ref woke up to double the double pin. Thank God that’s gone. I could have done without the involvement from Kross, but I guess you also needed a finish for your main event, so eh. **
Look, this was a show for casual fans, and not aimed at the likes of myself, and likely those reading this report. A worst show of the year contender? Possibly, since it had stupidly low lows. It was a show that had some bright moments in it, and some comedy that worked, but having almost 40 names on a three-hour show led to a lot of bloat, and a show that could well be the epitome of those overbooked, overloaded indy shows that are running this weekend.