It’s the show most likely to get this site put on your work internet’s block list. Cheers, Joey!

Excalibur and Don Callis are on commentary, and expect penis jokes as we open with a procession of penis druids. Because of course we do. There’s chants of “penis people” as Joey called them, as we opened with the crowd pointing to the dong.

Black Taurus vs. Green Ant vs. Mr. Iguana vs. Puma King vs. Shark Boy vs. Ultimo Dragon
Announced as a six-man, this was actually a six-way scramble, featuring different animal-themed wrestlers.

Everyone stomps on Ultimo at the bell, as we quickly settled down into Mr. Iguana scurrying away from Black Taurus. Fire Ant’s in next with a satellite roll-up for a near-fall, then Shark Boy who goes to bite Ant’s arse to send him sailing outside. Puma King rolls in next, and quickly climbs into the before he kneed Shark Boy in the face. A stalling suplex from Puma King takes Shark Boy outside, as we wait for Taurus to return, crashing into Puma with a clothesline and gamengiri in the corner, before he crashed into Puma King out of the corner.

A flying ‘rana from Puma takes Taurus down, as we head into a stand-off with the bull and the cat… then catching an Iguana. Ultimo Dragon broke up a stacked-up submission attempt, before he began to kick away at Taurus, following through with a slow-mo headscissor takedown. Ultimo goes for a double clothesline, but it’s reversed as he then sent Puma into Taurus outside with a tope con giro… more dives follow as Green Ant hit Puma King with a tornillo, while Iguana killed Taurus with a tope ‘rana on the outside. Shark Boy’s left, but Ultimo Dragon stops him, only to get knocked down… Ultimo avoids a top rope elbow from Sharkie, then finishes him off with a La Magistral. This was kept pretty short, but the pacing was all over the place – Ultimo Dragon had a limited part in this, but you can tell he’s far from what he once was. **½

Arez & Bestia 666 vs. DJ Z & Shigehiro Irie
With all due respect to my man Shiggy, he stands out like a sore thumb here.

DJ Z and Arez start us off, sans airhorn (thankfully), as we had a nice counter to a step-up ‘rana as Arez countered into a powerbomb… albeit too close to the ropes. A lucha-inspired series ends in a stand-off, before Irie came in to charge Arez into the ropes. A powerslam’s next as Irie gets a near-fall, before Arez took Irie outside with an enziguiri, but a high-speed tope from DJZ delays Arez’s dive as he finally pulled off an Asai moonsault off the turnbuckles. Back inside, Bestia and Arez chop Irie in the ropes, before he was held in the bottom strand for an enziguiri/low dropkick combo.

DJ Z’s next to get chopped, before a poke to the eye and a double team hiptoss/pancake left him laying. Back inside, Irie POUNCES Arez, then flattens Bestia with a Black Hole Slam ahead of some cannonballs in the corner to the luchadors. A platform 450 splash off the back of Arez misses from DJ Z as Arez then bust a gut to throw Irie around into a Northern Lights suplex for a near-fall. DJ Z hits a push up upkick and a facebuster for a two-count as they continued to break up covers, including a low dropkick from Arez after Irie dropped Bestia with a running Fire Thunder driver. More dives come as DJZ took Arez into the pile with a running Spanish Fly off the apron, in an eye catching moment (yeah, I’ve never seen that dive before), but it’s for nought as DJ Z helps Irie spike piledrive Arez onto Bestia for the win. This was a little hit and miss, but this just about worked… now, time for me to ignore how badly they butchered “Irie”… ***

Tracy Smothers vs. Su Yung
Considering how beaten down he was when I saw him in 1PW over a decade ago, this was a sad sight. Smothers was booed for wrestling with a Confederate flag around his neck, and he enters into his stock promo like it were the mid 90s. Complete with sexism!

Su comes back with a blow-up penis (no joke), which she sprays with mist. Yeah. We’ll not go there. Finally we get going as Tracy strips down to reveal a Confederate flag singlet, which gets the wrong kind of heat… and we start with Su throwing the blow up penis at Tracy. They tie-up in the corner as the crowd goes silent, even for this venue, as I guess the WrestleCon crowd aren’t exactly the same kind who’d go in for the old school tricks. I hunt for the fast forward button as this is taking FOREVER, with precious little happening.

Oh great, Tracy grabs the mic as he’s practically begging for the crowd to chant for Su… just before they go for a lariat that wasn’t. Su’s finally had enough and kicks Smothers to the mat, then runs in with a pump kick for a two count as Smothers grabs the ropes. I fast-forward some more as even Don Callis has had enough of this, as Tracy threatens to bore the crowd to death. You mean you’ve not even been trying?! Smothers clobbers Su with the mic, then whips her into the corner for some body blows, but Su finally fires up with body blows before she pulls out the stinky glove. The ref tries to stop it, but he’s shoved away, allowing Tracy to hit Su with her Kendo stick for the win. Let us never speak of this again. -*****

Twisted Sisters (Holidead & Thunder Rosa) vs. Demon Bunny (Allie & Rosemary)
Time to rejoin 2019.

Rosemary tries to help Allie figure out who is who on the other team, settling on “Holidead has a pony tail”. We get going with Holidead trying to blast through Allie with a forearm, only for Allie to trip her up for a back senton for a near-fall. Tags bring in Thunder Rosa and Rosemary, with Rosa looking to twerk before she caught Rosemary in a lucha roll-up for a near-fall. All four women end up in the ring in a shoving match, before everyone hits low blows as the groin-based offence continued. Holidead uses a seated surfboard, a la Liger, to try and force a submission as the Twisted Sisters keep Allie at bay. There’s a leg spreader and headbutts to the arse, before Allie got chopped in the corner. Whatever they’re doing isn’t picking up the crowd after the prior monstrosity of a match, as they just sit in silence as a camel clutch weakened Allie some more.

Eventually Allie comes back in with a DDT before tags were made to bring Rosemary in, who knocks down Holidead with a Slingblade for a near-fall. The Twisted Sisters come back in with a Bronco buster to Rosemary, before Allie was nearly tripped into her own partner, instead saving herself before catching Holidead with a clothesline. A Tarantula-like choke traps Holidead in the corner, but they’re back in with a backbreaker, lungblower and Flatliner to Rosemary before things went off the rails again. Rosa eats a German suplex from Rosemary that almost ended things, before Holidead came in and again got confused for Rosemary by Allie. Not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, eh?

Stinkfaces follow from the Sisters, but it backfires as Allie and Rosemary just roll them up for the win. That… was something else, and not good. I wish they’d mic the crowd and ring better, because a lot of whatever they’re trying is just getting lost as a bad mime. *½

Timothy Thatcher vs. David Arquette
TIMO, SAVE US.

Arquette was accompanied to the ring by DDP, just like old days, and hey… that’s Shooter Schulz calling this match! We start with a nerve hold from Thatcher, as he tried to tear apart the former WCW champion while commentary joked about “better opponents”. Like Barry Horowitz. A headlock takedown has Thatcher on top, as does an uppercut, but Arquette dares to slap Thatcher… and gets himself in a single leg crab. There’s a quick rope break, as Arquette gets on the top rope and looks shaky ahead of a double sledge. Of course, it doesn’t faze Thatcher, who just boots him in the head before a body slam and an elbow drop got a two-count.

Thatcher continues to stretch Arquette, then stomp a mudhole in him ahead of a Karelin-lift gutwrench suplex. It’s oh so easy. Arquette stumbles into a small package for a near-fall, then a sunset flip, before a roll-up just led him into a cross armbreaker and some ground and pound as the typically grumpy Thatcher was back on top. An O’Connor roll nearly puts away Thatcher, before a ‘rana from Arquette’s caught and turned into a Boston crab for the submission. Lord had mercy, as I’m sure some will see this as Thatcher taking revenge on Arquette for that WCW run. I didn’t, I just saw this as Arquette out of his depth, storyline-wise. **½

At least commentary’s having fun on this show – so far this has been a car wreck of a show that’s tried to emulate the gimmick shows GCW have had success with. With no joy.

Penis Party Death Match: Bill Carr vs. Dan Barry
I have no clue what a Penis Party Death Match is… but this ring announcer couldn’t tell Detective Dan Barry and Officer Bill Carr’s titles apart, so detail isn’t exactly their strong suit here.

We start with the pair trading right hands in a rather conflicted manner, with Barry edging ahead with a kick to the face and a dropkick, taking Carr outside for a tope. On the outside, Barry finds a streamer that he pitched straight at Carr’s head… the favour’s returned as fans hand streamers for them to use as weapons, which they sold like death. Carr gets shoved into the ringpost as they continued to brawl, with Barry beating Carr with an inflatable penis… only for Carr to pull out a thumbtack’d blow up penis from under the ring. The tacks fly off as Dan Barry took it to the head, before Carr replaced the phallic stuff with a barbed wire baseball bat.

Barry uses the bat on the back of Carr, then on his head, before a Shibata-ish dropkick drove the bat into Bill’s Carrs. They continue to brawl on the outside, but Barry swings and misses on a lariat and gets dumped onto the apron with a back suplex as Carr pulls out a staple gun from under the ring. Carr staples some paper to Barry’s arm, then a $20 bill (someone’s flush), before we got a nice close-up on the after effects of Barry having a staple gun used on his crotch. It’s time for doors, which led to a death valley driver from Barry through the door in the corner, but it’s not enough as Carr kicks out and rolls outside for more plunder… a handful of skewers!

Yep. It’s coming. They tease a DDT as Barry still had skewers on, but he escapes and returns the favour on his tag partner, before they run into each other, head-first like bulls, to remove the rest. We’re back to strikes after that, before Carr’s low bridged to the outside for a tope con giro from Barry that turned into a powerbomb on the way down. Back inside, Barry heads up top for a frog splash for a near-fall, before the search for more plunder dragged on. Finally, Dan finds it – a door with mouse traps on, as he throws that and two chairs into the ring as he teased another death valley driver, only for Carr to gutwrench powerbomb him through it… the poor, poor sod. It at least gets an audible reaction on the VOD, but Barry kicks out at one, then gets dumped into the remnants with a Destroyer for the win. Well, these poor fuckers killed each other here, and at least the crowd appreciated it. Probably the most entertaining thing for this crowd since the opening two matches though, so there’s that… and of course, they go to interval from there. **¼

Battle Royal for DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship: Danshoku Dino (c) vs. Antonio Honda vs. Makoto Oishi vs. MAO vs. Maki Itoh vs. Miyu Yamashita vs. Sanshiro Takagi vs. Yoshiko
Dino won the title on the prior night’s DDT show in New York… a title that’s had well over 1,000 different champions, so much so that Wikipedia’s given up on the updates.

We start with Dino and MAO for this Rumble-style battle royal, with Dino instantly taking MAO down for some dry humping. Don Callis didn’t know what to make of it, as the camera man actually zoomed in on it all. Dino’s suitably penis-based offence continued, before he pulled down his trunks some squatting as Sanshiro Takagi entered. Good job Excalibur’s telling us, because the ring announcer’s taken a bath. STOP ZOOMING IN ON HIS ARSE!

MAO manages to get free and catch Takagi with a dropkick as our next entrant came in… and no, it’s not Yuu. MAO knocks Maki Itoh down, before she replied with a DDT, only to miss with a Kokeshi. An Arabian clutch keeps Itoh down as Makoto Oishi entered the fray, right as Dino starts to go for the kisses… while rubbing MAO’s groin as well. Oishi’s happy, as he went on to spit at Itoh… who just gets mad before she scored a Kokeshi to the groin for a near-fall. Out comes Antonio Honda, who trips on his way into the ring and quits (and retires) as a result of it. There’s our first elimination! Except he stops to gather everyone together and tell us a story, which led to a bunch of eye pokes… including to his own eye before a stunner sent him sailing to the outside.

MAO counters a powerbomb from Takagi into a ‘rana, before he was run into Dino’s crotch. Oishi and Dino do the exposed arse Monkey flip/roll into MAO in the corner, before MAO got thrown into Dino’s exposed arse in the corner… except he reversed it, and it was Oishi who ran into the crack. Takagi gets it too, before a Michinoku driver from MAO led to his elimination. Maki Itoh is brought back in for the same treatment, before Oishi and Dino slam their bare arses into each other. Itoh’s thrown into the arse sandwich, then tossed out, before MAO jammed his fingers into Dino’s rear. Yeah, we get the zoom in… and Dino likes it, because he gets to try and counter it in his version of a dick flip. MAO gets himself free and crashes into Dino with a 450 splash… and that means we’ll get a new champion… especially because Oishi rolled up MAO for the win?

No, there’s one more entrant. Yoshiko! Who comes out to the Undertaker’s old music… she dives onto Oishi for a near-fall as the crowd finally wakes up with chants for her! Oishi punches her out, before a spinning Fire Thunder driver spikes Yoshiko for a near-fall. She kicked out! She kicked out! A reverse DDT’s next, then a Sharpshooter… but she tries to counter it into a knee bar, then a single leg crab (how?!), forcing Oishi to tap out. That was, without a shadow of a doubt, the loudest pop of the night! Now, while the finale was fun, who thought it would be a good idea to do a comedy DDT battle royal, virtually unannounced, on this show? **½

Best Friends (Chuck Taylor & Trent) & Matt Striker vs. Colt Cabana, Mike Babchik & Tommy Dreamer
Hey, it’s the Divinyls! Mike Babchik isn’t a wrestler, we’re told, while Colt’s found Su Yung’s “bloody” inflatable from earlier.

Babchik’s security’s ejected before the match… then the referee, just so Tommy Dreamer could bring out Jerry Lynn as a ref. Upgrade. He’s looking really sprightly, all things considered, and we get a semblance of a match as Cabana looked to pin Chuck Taylor with a Superman body press… then people powder away to tag out.

Quick tags lead us to Babchik coming in… complete with gear that looked like he’d crapped himself. I tune out, as while the action was fine, it was best put by Excalibur as Matt Striker “gave everyone exactly what they needed at 11pm… a chinlock”. The Best Friends worked well together, but Chuckie T annoyed Jerry Lynn with his attempt at a Gotch piledriver, which led to the ref clotheslining him for good measure. Dreamer and Striker come in, with Tommy hitting a cutter for a two-count as Chuckie T broke it up. We have to keep going, eh? Striker drags Babchik into the ring and pulls off his singlet so he could chop him… but Babchik comes in with a very telegraphed low blow before a mandible claw and a DDT mercifully ended this. Eh, the wrestlers did good, but this continued to scrape under the low bar the show had so far. *

Johnny Penis & Taya Valkyrie vs. Lucha Brothers (Penta El Zero M & Rey Fenix)
Of course Johnny Impact got a new name here. OF COURSE. Still, these four can go, so I have a feint hope that we’ve got something overwhelmingly positive here.

We start with Taya having her rear end superkicked by the Lucha Bros, before she got caught in the ropes with a chop. Well, if almost everyone else on this card held something back, these guys sure aren’t. Taya’s back with a running knee to Penta, then a satellite DDT before her dive out was caught by a Fenix gamengiri. Johnny Ding Dong’s in against Fenix, who lands a nice double jump leap and an eventual flip armdrag off the ropes, before Fenix gets caught with a Spanish Fly off the middle rope. Tags brought in Taya to bring down Penta with a crossbody, but he’s back in with a Slingblade, then a springboard back cracker in the corner. He took too long to follow-up, so Taya lands some lariats before a hip attack traps Penta in the corner, following in with some running double knees for a two-count.

A series of kicks from Taya and Johnny keep Penta down, before Fenix rushed in with a leaping spin kick to Johnny, who then got sandwiched with superkicks. Taya tries to make a save, but she takes superkicks too for a pair of near-falls. The focus shifts to Johnny as an assisted package piledriver’s attempted, but Fenix is swept off the top rope… only to recover with a rolling uppercut into the corner as Fenix then got caught again with a powerbomb, then a Starship Pain for the win. Was not expecting that finish – this was short, but compared to most of the card, this was an instant classic. ***

Joey Ryan, Sexxxy Eddy & Val Venis vs. Martina, Priscilla Kelly & Scarlett Bordeaux
Booked purely to troll Jim Cornette, Priscilla Kelly got the spotlight entrance as she came out with some… bloody Tampon druids? Where the hell do they get these costumes?

We’ve got all your favourite tropes, with the oil, the lollipops, as we start with Priscilla and Joey Ryan… but it’s Martina who really wants to touch it, without having to pay $30! Joey has second thoughts, as he seems to want Priscilla to touch it. Scarlett Bordeaux’s in next, but instead she throws Joey across the ring by his chest hair before Martina came in to scare Joey silly. He found someone he didn’t want to touch it!

An atomic drop from Martina hurts her knee though, but her spirits pick up as Sexxxy Eddy comes in… especially because she gets to do the Bastion Booger sit-down for a near-fall before countering a bodyslam into a flap trap. A Bronco Buster’s next on Eddy, who comes back by using the power of his dong to draw everyone towards him… and as Martina almost pulled down his trunks, the Eddy finally breaks the spell! Scarlett’s back to her feet first to chop away at Eddy, before he got dragged into her rear end with some headscissors. The hip attack is next, as Joey Ryan came in to beg for some more… then Val as they wanted in on it… only to get Bronco busters from Priscilla and Martina instead.

Val stops the match so everyone can regroup… which involved him putting on a towel and busting out his shtick from 1998. Everyone was taken in with it, but Priscilla, who needed some more work (at least, that’s what Val thought)… only for Martina to come in and get a handful of him before she tried to drag him to the back. Clearly, impressed with what she saw… That leaves Joey in the ring with Priscilla, giving her an airplane spin that almost led to her spewing up. Instead, she just sprays it at Joey ahead of an enziguiri, sending Ryan down… then Eddy into Ryan’s crotch with a drop toe hold, before Val Venis took one too to create a Human Centipede that Priscilla was only to happy to join in. As was Martina… and eventually Scarlett as they eventually stood up into a Human Centipede Penis Flip!

Apparently all of that meant that (somehow) Sexxxy Eddy took Joey in his mouth, before Scarlett began to entrance the three guys… and that’s the cue for Mr Durexo and the bloody tampon as Eddy and Val were left laying ahead of… a waxing strip?! Poor Joey. Off comes the chest hair! The three women go to the back for… reasons. Reasons we quickly realise what though: as they return in the bloody tampon costumes, with Martina hitting a tope, Scarlett a body press off the top, before Priscilla cannonballed into the front row in their outfits! Back in the ring, Joey ends up taking a DDT, a German suplex and a Slingblade-like neckbreaker off the top rope, and that is that! I’m not usually taken by the Joey Ryan comedy, but I kinda enjoyed that main event. Maybe the majority of the undercard had an effect, but this match at least played to the audience that bought tickets, complete with gimmicks and customers. **¾

Unless you’re into the Joey Ryan comedy, then for the most part, this show bombed. While I get WrestleCon wanted to try and emulate the success GCW had in the Joey Janela franchise, they forgot to bring the gimmick outside of the opening segment. Just making a tonne of dick references isn’t the same as having the intimate, light-hearted feeling that the Janela (and even the Orange Cassidy) shows did. The show just felt like a pale imitation wasn’t fully thought out and quite possibly, should never have been.