This week on Random Reviews, we’re going to pick and choose some choice cuts from one of TNA’s “One Night Only” events from earlier this year. Believe me, when I say “choice cuts”, I probably mean “not even good enough for dog food…” Yeah, we’re going there – Knockouts Knockdown 2016!

Allysin Kay vs. Gail Kim
Thanks to the wonders of tape delay, Allysin Kay had been signed by TNA and rechristened as “Sienna” by the time this aired. TNA cut away to a pre-taped promo from Kay after her entrance, wonderfully shot just-out-of-focus. I’m going to ignore Maria’s commentary throughout the whole show, for the sake of my own sanity…

After missing with a few early clotheslines, Kay took down Kim with a shoulder barge, before missing a shoulder charge into the corner as Kim slipped out of the ring. Kim countered with a cross body, but was caught as Kay changed it into a fallaway slam for a near-fall, before nailing a wheelbarrow suplex for another two-count.

Gail fired back with kicks before missing a charge in the corner, but finally connected later with a charge, before going to stare down Maria on commentary. That distraction let Allysin knock Gail off the apron, regaining the advantage, but Gail was able to sneak in an Octopus hold, only for Kay to break free and lock in an armbar for good measure.

Kim got free of the armbar and drilled Kay with a codebreaker, before landing a crossbody off the top rope for a near-fall. Kay blocked the Eat Defeat, but quickly fell to a DDT. Mike Bennett then got involved as a distraction, which Gail fell for, diving off the top with a forearm, with the ensuing chaos allowing Maria to throw Kim into the post, which eventually resulted in Allysin Kay taking the win via count-out. An absolutely horrid end to a match that never really got going **½

Post-match, Gail Kim challenged Maria and Mike Bennett to a mixed-tag match later in the show.

Shelly Martinez vs. Rebel
Wait, this was second on the show? Yes, this is the much-maligned “worst match of all time”, featuring the former Ariel and Salinas (back in TNA under her real name for one night), against Rebel. Martinez’s attire leaves a lot to be desired – a stereotypical Mexican hat, skull-like face paint, and a body suit pulled up way too high that probably would have worked had her breasts been a couple of cup sizes smaller.

They started off doing the usual “pose for a cheer, pose for a boo” spots, before Shelly takes Rebel into the corner with a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Rebel tried to use her ring jacket as a distraction, but got caught with an armdrag and armbar from Shelly, eventually forcing a rope break. That was followed up with a drop toe hold that looked less than flawless, shall we say, before going for a surfboard.

Shelly caught a kick from Rebel and pulled her forward into a splits, with a dropkick following up for a near-fall. Rebel again used the ref as a human shield, before poking Shelly in the eye, as this turned into a bad clone of the old ECW catfight. They then went for some really awkward looking chain wrestling, going for arm locks and headlocks, with Rebel locking in an abdominal stretch, before taking Shelly down with a legscissors. This is where the first infamous spot crops up, with Shelly screaming “my vag” at the top of her lungs.

Rebel then went for a big boot in the corner to choke Shelly, a la Kevin Nash, before doing a handspring back elbow into a corner that Shelly left before the move even started. Shelly snapmares, before Rebel caught a cross body really late, that just about turned into an armdrag. A DDT floors Rebel, who then rolls to the floor… and oh my God, it’s that dive spot!

Shelly hangs herself across the middle rope as the camera repeatedly cuts to try and cover up the botch. I’m guessing Rebel was meant to have hit her with something here, but that didn’t happen, and instead she makes a mountain out of a molehill of rolling Shelly into the ring, before scoring the pin. This wasn’t great, nowhere near as bad as “worst match ever!” as the hype had you believe, but you can tell that a) Rebel’s only had a few dozen matches and b) Shelly barely wrestles these days. Gotta go into the minuses here -****

Leva Bates vs. Jade
I’m going to skip a match here, and going to Leva Bates’ appearance, just two days after her not-exactly-stellar appearance at PROGRESS’ ENDVR 15 show. Unlike the “Blue Pants” act she had in NXT, this time she was all in white, with a Charlie Chaplin-like bowler hat.

Leva starts with a couple of arm wringers, before pirouetting away, before literally singing “Singin’ in the Rain” whilst working on Jade in the corner. A slingshot spear through the middle ropes gets Leva a two-count, but Jade catches a cross body and turns it into a backbreaker. Leva’s braces come loose, and Jade uses them to choke Leva with, before tying her up in a bridging Indian deathlock.

Jade catches Leva with a tarantula hold in the ropes, but gets rolled up after arguing with the ref, kicking out at two. A stalling suplex keeps Jade on top, before a back suplex hold (a la Yuji Nagata, and I feel dirty for even typing that) gets Jade another two-count. Leva fires back with a codebreaker, before laying into Jade with a variety of kicks, then scoring a two-count with a Northern Lights suplex.

A bridging German suplex gets Jade another near-fall after blocking a kick, but Leva hits a drop toe hold into the bottom rope on Jade, who gets punted back into the ring, as Leva follows up with some knees in the corner. Leva then got caught up top by Jade, but she fought back and tried for the Pepsi Plunge, changing her mind before slipping off the ropes.

Leva recovered, only to miss a diving knee off the top, before turning around into an STO from Jade that secured the win. A decent match from Leva here, but I am seriously not a fan of the interchanging cosplay gimmick… **¾

Jayme Jameson vs. Marti Bell
Our final match is one where someone in TNA had fun booking this – since in another independent promotion (SHINE), these two are currently tag team champions. Jameson is married to former TNA star Gunner, and has the gimmick of a weightlifter who doesn’t tan (or at least, that’s my take, since she’s almost Sheamus white, and flexes a lot).

A bodyslam takes down Marti, as Jameson works a headlock before being taken into the corner. Bell recovers on the apron, but comes back in to blast Jameson with a clothesline and some grounded punches. Jayme drops Bell with the start of an atomic drop that turned into a back suplex, but Bell fires back with hair-assisted snapmares. Bell grounds Jameson with a surfboard stretch, but Jayme fires back with chops and clotheslines, before scoring a two-count from a scoop slam.

The see-saw of a match swings the other way with Bell scoring a couple of near-falls, before Jameson dumped Bell awkwardly with a swinging side slam for a two-count, with Bell getting her foot on the rope. Another awkward exchange ended with Bell switching around what looked like a Skullcrushing Finale setup into a side Russian legsweep-cum-clothesline takedown, and that was all she wrote. That wasn’t too bad, but the longer the match ran, the clumsier they got **¼

I’m not about to put myself through the mixed-tag match, or the Gauntlet at the end of this show, but it wasn’t as bad show as you’d have expected. Was the wrestling great? No, but you’ve got to remember that TNA’s all-women show are effectively TNA-contracted talent plus the women who they haven’t burned bridges with yet. It’s not worth going out of your way to see this, but if you haven’t seen Shelly/Rebel, I’d strongly suggest doing so – it’ll make you value every other match you see just a little bit more!

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