YouTube can throw up some of the most wonderful things… such as videos you thought were long since-forgotten, or perhaps never existed. Luckily for us (and unluckily for those involved), someone’s found a tonne of old British wrestling… and it’s not very good. Yep, we’re looking at it!

“Shitarse” is a bit of a demeaning term, but one that befits wrestlers of a certain (lack of) ability plying their trade. These days, there’s not so many of them around on the British scene, but in the early 2000s, they were rampant. That’s not to say “once a shitarse, always a shitarse”, especially as almost everyone improves… but there was a period where there were too many guys around who perhaps shouldn’t have been wrestling in front of a paying crowd. Or perhaps at all, if you’re that cruel.

Cypher vs. Scarecrow
This comes from a promotion called SLAM in April 2007 – apparently this company renamed itself to HOP Wrestling, for those who know much about the lower-level UK scene. Cypher’s doing fancy dress as a “modern” Undertaker, with a trenchcoat, jeans and a black shirt… whilst I really don’t need to say what the Scarecrow is, do I? He’s billed at 60lbs, and he’s moving pretty well for a man made out of straw. Perhaps it’s under the boiler suit?

Cypher takes down the Scarecrow in an awrm wringer, but an attempt to get a leg lock ends because the ring’s so small, Cypher’s able to make the ropes. The Scarecrow stomps during another arm wringer, before running past Cypher to make him fall over.

A headlock that’d make Kris Sprules proud follows from Cypher, before they go into a sloppy bit of rope running, and a long, drawn out series of knees to the gut. The nonchalant back elbow from Cypher leads to a legdrop that looked like he was styling out a slip on the mat, before the Scarecrow came back with a Vader bomb (of all things!)

Scarecrow leaps over a couple of charges in the corner, before he’s dumped with a German suplex, which leaves him limp on the mat. The referee pulls away Cypher to prevent any further beatdown… at which point the Scarecrow gets up and runs to the back. Cypher notices this, then runs after him, and we get a double count-out. What the hell was that?! The referee leave as soon as he counted ten, ashamed to have been involved in any of this, no doubt. -**

Miss Vicky vs. Chelsey Karter
Next up is Power Trip Wrestling from Luton, and a women’s match. Unlike most shows where the ring announcer is smartly dressed, this guy is in jeans, trainers and what I think was a leather jacket. Very 90s?

Anyway, Vicky I’m guessing is meant to be a bad guy as she screams “Bring it” and does the belt symbol with her hands… Karter on the other hand, high-fives the entire crowd, whether they want it or not, and is in standard issue Britwres pleather!

Vicky jumps her entering the ring and clubs away on Karter, who hits back with a weak kick to the midsection after ducking some clotheslines. A sunset flip followed for a near-fall as Vicky left the ring to swear at some kids. PG! Karter joins her outside for some strikes, some of which were laughably bad when it comes to timing them with stomps, before Vicki headed back into the ring to beat that ten count. Eventually Chelsey rolled back in too, and took a couple of stomps to the groin before Vicky grabbed a leglock. Another rope break ends that as I hear “come on!” for the umpteenth time, as Vicky pulls off what’s generously called a hair-mare. Karter absolutely clobbers Vicky before setting up for… a nudge to the hip with her boot for just a one-count.

Karter then pulls some hair, before she’s thrown into the ropes for a trainee clothesline. An even worse one follows, as do some stomps, before a legdrop gets her another near-fall. Somehow they lose it on an Irish whip as Karter lands a middling clothesline, and I want this to end… stomps get Karter another two-count, and this mercifully ends with a running clothesline from Karter. At least the New Japan trainees are shown some moves before they wrestle in front of the public… this was just embarrassing kicky, punchy, stompy, bad clothesliney wrestling. -**

Lucian vs. Shabazz
We’re back to the same SLAM show for this, and Lucian is apparently a luchador hunter. Generic tribal tattoo’s, bandanna, just what your early 2000s Create-a-Wrestler probably would have looked like. He also came out to Disturbed’s “Voices”… His opponent here was Shabazz, someone who certainly wasn’t a luchador!

When we finally get going, Shabazz takes control, elbowing out of a headlock and grabbing the wrist as they flip around some basic holds, before Shabazz simply sidestepped a dropkick. Lucian comes back with shoulder tackles, but he runs into a hiptoss and slides to the floor where he and Shabazz engage in some kicks to the leg. Not sure why they couldn’t do that in the ring, but there you go…

A kick leaves Shabazz in the aisle, before Lucian’s run-up for a kick is turned into a hip toss as he’s sent back into the ring. Lucian comes back with a superplex that was pretty damned close to a Muscle Buster for a near-fall, before moving into a camel clutch as he’s clearly sucking wind. Shabazz sells the world’s worst Sharpshooter like his legs were being cut-off, before regaining his legs to land a roundhouse for a near-fall.

After whipping Lucien into the opposite corner, a leaping forearm follows as Shabazz goes all MMA on us, before a pumphandle bomb almost won it… but Lucien got enough of a shoulder up just in time! Lucien comes back with a wheelbarrow something-or-other, and all of a sudden he’s fresh as a daisy.

A dropkick to the head takes down Shabazz from there, and Lucien heads up top for a senton bomb, because of course you do. Shabazz gets back to his feet and lands the Play of the Day (God, remember when that was a default finisher with the Downward Spiral?), before winning a kicking battle and landing a Stunner for the win. Well, the kids liked it, and whilst this wasn’t horrid, there was no semblance of anything regarding selling, or consequence, or anything other than movez. ½*

Jetta & Kelly Adams vs. Skye & Stephanie Scope
We end this round of “Now That’s What I Call Shitarse” with the match that followed the inexplicable double-count out with Cypher and the Scarecrow. Out of these four, only Jetta is still wrestling by the look of things, and for some reason they blur something out on Jetta’s camouflage shirt… something that looks like the LDN wrestling logo. Ah, wrestling pettiness!

Jetta keeps offering out fights to randomers in the crowd, so I’m guessing they’re the default bad guys here… and the crowd respond to them as such, booing them and cheering Skye and Stephanie. Maybe it’s the cleavage?

Of course, that leads to an attack from behind as the S’s were playing to the crowd, but they quickly come back with clotheslines to send the eviltons to the outside. After getting the crowd going with that, they double-team Jetta with a hiptoss, before Skye works the arm,. Scope comes in, but is quickly charged into the corner as Jetta and Adams put the boots to her, with Jetta choking away on Scope as the ref had his back turned.

Adams and Jetta keep up the double-teaming, before Scope fought free and clotheslined her? That’s a question because it looked more of a shoulder tackle, but nevermind because Jetta quickly turned it back around with a suplex for a near-fall. A missed charge into the corner ensured that Scope’s latest comeback ends, but the tempo stays slow as Jetta locks in a rear chinlock.

Scope fights free and manages to block more charges into the corner by lifting her leg, before a hair-assisted facebuster took Jetta down. After some interference from Kelly, she manages to tag in, only for Stephanie to take her to the corner for some chops that looked very high. Another hair-mare follows from Scope, who then gets off an awkward X-Factor before dragging herself to the corner to tag out.

Skye returns to clear house on Jetta and Kelly with clotheslines, and all of a sudden Stephanie’s recovered enough to hit some mounted forearms in the corner with her tag partner. Those get shoved away though, before the good guys doe-see-doe and try for a pair of bulldogs… but they then get shoved into each other too as the match abruptly ended with Stephanie and Kelly fighting on the floor, as Jetta countered a suplex into a small package for the win. This wasn’t horrible, especially given the standards of the time, but compared to today’s stuff, it’s no great shakes. **

It gets better – despite Jetta clearly getting the pin on Skye, the ring announcer announced Skye and Scope as the winners, with their music too. The crowd booed that, but the good guys celebrated as if they had won. Eh?! The referee looks confused, and apparently Jetta’s got to explain the result as we fade to black. Well, if we’re covering shitarses, we may as well include the ring announcer as well!

So… for anyone complaining about the state of British wrestling – count yourself lucky it’s evolved. It was so much worse back in the day!