ATTACK! ended the year in Bristol with a real high stakes contest: Shay Purser. Chris Roberts. Loser leaves ATTACK!
We open up with a rare backstage segment, as Flash Morgan Webster’s unpacking his gear. Frasier Thomas walks to wish Flash the best… in come Bird and Boar, dressed as Harry and Marv – the Home Alone villains – stealing Flash’s belt before sneaking off. Aaah!
El Phantasmo vs. Ryan Smile
Hey, it’s nice and dark in Bristol, so Phantasmo can do his light-up entrance! Problem is, it’s a low ceiling, so that may be an issue with this match, given he’s got an equally flippy guy opposite him in Ryan Smile.
Finally someone puts on the overhead lights, and we can see!
Plenty of flips early on as Smile and ELP tried to out-do each other, ending when Phantasmo did his rope walk spot… except Smile left him stranded at a turnbuckle… and the ref wasn’t much use either! That allowed Smile to take ELP outside for a flip tope, and it’s all SMile back inside too courtesy of forearms and kicks in the corner.
Phantasmo comes back with a ‘rana off the top after he steadied himself against the ceiling, before he’s put on jelly legs by way of forearms and chops. A trapped-arm whirlibird follows as Smile’s really on the down, but an aborted dive from ELP turns things around as Smile blasts him with some running knees for a near-fall. More chops ring around the Trinity Centre, but it’s a kick to the head that has ELP loopy and on the outside, in perfect position for an over-the-corner cannonball.
Somehow Smile’s able to get off a 450 splash, but he whiffs as ELP kicks back in for a spell, until a moonsault misses as the pair remain even… until Smile hits a springboard cutter and the Smile High frogsplash for the win. An enjoyable opener to get the Bristol crowd warmed up! ***
ATTACK! Tag Team Championship: Chris Brookes & Love Making Demon vs. Bowl-a-Rama (Lloyd Katt & Splits McPins) (c)
There’s a rib here… and it’s not Inflatable Lykos!
Speaking of Lykos, before the match he swore he’d kill Kyle again, and definitely not in a wholesome kinda way… Splits has a new mask after the Brothers of Obstruction ripped it apart 24 hours earlier.
Brookes was about to forfeit because he didn’t have a tag team partner… only to be saved by… the Love Making Demon!
Eventually we get going with Splits and Brookes, with the latter finding that a wristlock was no match for a human bowling ball! Brookes was able to sneak in with an Octopus in the ropes, before crushing Splits with a back senton as he built up to the wet willie. Not sure how he could given there’s no ear holes in that mask…
Ah, he ties up Katt for it too, as both members of Bowl-a-Rama get wet willies. Sort-of. The Love Making Demon unties them too… with a swift finger up the backside. Good Lord! Eventually, the Demon tries to block a sunset flip, which ends up revealing a red thong as the champs start to take the twisted mouse to task.
Splits gets a solid two count out of a slingshot tope into the ring as Bowl-a-Rama exchanged frequent tags… until the Dirty Wolf got involved to turn things around. Brookes took advantage of it against Splits, before finding that he’s got the Curse of Lykos as he can’t do a brainbuster without taking one first. Perhaps if he didn’t telegraph his moves?
We get some dives from the champions, and then from inflatable Lykos… or we would have done had the real one not stopped it. He kicks the replacement Lykos as he and Brookes got into a shoving match, prompting Brookes to tell the wolf to leave out of anger. Awww… It seemed Lykos was fed up of the wholesome thing, and so off he walked.
The parade of moves starts, with Brookes coming close with a slingshot cutter, before he killed his inflatable friend with a back senton! Bowl-a-Rama finished him off with More Bang For Your Buck, and this weekend’s death count increased some more!
The Demon tries to make everything better with some mistletoe, but it just led to universes colliding as Brookes and the Demon shared a Christmas kiss, and that was the last thing they did as Bowl-a-Rama returned to give More Bang For Your Buck for the win. A bit of a weird thing, but the main takeaway here was… Stupid Sexy Everyone! Oh, and Lykos abandoned his best friend… ***¼
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SAYING THE WORD “FUN”, JIM LEE!
Anti-Fun Police (Chief Deputy Dunne, Los Federales Santos Jr. & Brothers of Obstruction (James Obstruction & Leigh Obstruction) vs. Anti-Anti-Fun Police (Travis Banks, Mark Davis, Kyle Fletcher & Eddie Dennis)
We had the entire Anti-Fun Police out here for an eight-man tag… against the, erm, Anti-Anti-Fun Police? I’ve not seen so many stringies since Rab C Nesbitt…
My God, Eddie Dennis with no beard like this looks like Billy Kidman. After a growth spurt…
Once the Anti-Anti-Fun Police were doing their Full Monty shtick, they were of course attacked from behind… but the tables quickly turned as we had a fun series of chops in the corner, with a lot of hamming up from a bunch of vegans! Eventually the stringies come off, before one of the Brothers thought he’d try chopping Mark Davis. A high-five intercepts that, and breaks a hand, as the other brother gets more of the same. That’s what the Aussies think of your Health and Safety!
One of the Brothers of Obstruction gets pelted with forearms in the corner as the Anti-Anti-Fun Police took their shots, before the ring filled as Joel Allen was forced to mediate what was looking like an awkward West Side Story clone from occuring. Travis Banks tricks Santos into “something sexy”, and we’ve got to send for the man as Sexy Santos made Travis corpse!
Eventually Dunne returned to shoo away Santos and start tearing away at his former Sergeant, leading to a four-on-one mugging as the good guys ended up tying up the ref with their arguing. Banks gets free and tags in Eddie, who has an easy time against the former tag champions, catching them for a Samoan drop/fallaway slam combo… after a squat, of course!
“Sexy Santos” returns as the revolving door came into effect, with tags seemingly now a novelty again, but at least it led to Dunkzilla kicking and chopping away on the guys who took the tag titles from Aussie Open. Holy christ, a double powerslam?! Bloody hell Dunkzilla! The insanity continues as he and Eddie gee each other up for a dive, but the Brothers stop them with hard hats so they could do an uber-safe dive instead!
More fun dives follow, including a huge tope from Santos, before the Brothers don their hard hats… and things go wrong from there for the Anti Fun Police, as the Brothers eat a pair of flying cutters as the ring just resembled a warzone. Somehow Eddie Dennis is left isolated as Santos led up to a Big Ending… but Eddie kicks out at two, and comes back when Santos went up for a dive at glacial speed, hitting a crucifix bomb as a Slice of Heaven and a Fidget Spinner put away the big guy. All the wackiness in one match, but this’ll be a marmite match for a lot of folks – if you’re into the ATTACK! style of matches, then you’ll adore this. Luckily, I do! ***¼
Wild Boar & Mike Bird vs. Flash Morgan Webster
Non-title, because Flash was trying to get his stolen belt back, this was full of Home Alone shenanigans! The “sticky Bird and Boar” – or “Harry” and “Marv” – were still stealing as they came out, including an attempt to kidnap mini-Flash!
In response, “Flash McAllister” made the save as he went to recover his title belt… by taking a photo of them. If you’ve ever seen the original (and best) Home Alone, you’ll know the deal here, especially when it came to props. Bricks! So many bricks to a sticky boar… and the chase is on as Bird and Flash head to the back to recreate the hot air gun spot and I’m crying tears of laughter.
Eventually Bird and Boar get fed up at being bumbling idiots and turn a hot iron on each other, allowing Flash to take advantage with dives… except he’s caught, as the Sticky pair mess up once again. Bumps into toy cars follow, before Flash becomes Kevin after a spray of aftershave. Oh, and a chop…
Bird and Boar threaten to repay Flash’s attacks, and they start by spilling out some baubles onto the mat, and of course Bird takes a bump into them! Flash keeps up with a Home Alone/Rude Boy moonsault, only to get some powder thrown at him. More Home Alone shenanigans, and eventually Flash gets his belt back after the Angel Wings on Boar onto Bird. This was so much more than a match… performance art at its best.
MATCH OF THE YEAR.
Nothing To Prove (ELIJAH, Drew Parker & Bishop) vs. Mark Andrews, Danny Jones & Jeff Ramsey
After last night’s debut as a team, this ought to be a bit more of a forceful outing from the miserly trio.
It didn’t start well when the debuting Ramsey tripped Parker at the bell, mounting him too before dropping him in the ropes as the newcomer was a proverbial house on fire. Bishop fared a little better until Danny Jones tagged in and sent him flying with a back elbow. A caught kick from the Welsh Dragon took him into an impressive backpack stunner on Bishop, and it looks like Nothing to Prove were stuck in first gear.
Heck, ELIJAH barely got a shot in when Mark Andrews tagged, and we’re into the dives as the good guys were left standing tall on the outside. Back inside, a slingshot rolling DDT keeps ELIJAH down, as did a standing moonsault, before ELIJAH countered a victory roll into an electric chair facebuster.
That seemed to be the turning point as Andrews was forced to (successfully) fend off some triple teams, before tagging Ramsey back in to keep the momentum their way. Ramsey ended up fending off Bishop before crashing into him with a moonsault as the new trio stuttered once more, with Parker eating a backcracker from Danny Jones before the good guys won out on a triple suplex.
The ring stayed full after that, until Bishop planted Jones with a death valley driver, before he found out… you cannon suplex Andrews! A Stundog millionaire and an assisted sliced bread follows, as does a crucifix bomb from ELIJAH, who then ate an Awful Waffle from Jones as the babyface trio showed off some impressive teamwork. In the end though, it’s a low blow from ELIJAH and his suplex/powerbomb deal that gets the win as Nothing To Prove picked up their second unconvincing win of the weekend. A solid match, with the usual helping of Parades of Moves, and although this is better than losses for NTP, 2018 ought to be a little more powerful for these guys. ***
We get a video recap of how Shay went from the good side to the dark side, becoming insufferable and generally a very naughty boy. You know where this goes – today’s main event – loser leaves ATTACK!
Loser Leaves ATTACK!: Shay Purser vs. Chris Roberts
Still in love with him, Shay came out to Pete Dunne’s music, while Chris Roberts came out to the Darkness. As in the band, not any kind of evilness.
CHRIS ROBERTS IS WEARING THE EL LIGERO STREETFIGHT JEANS!
From the off, Shay slaps Roberts… and gets a spear back! Yeah, don’t expect precision or finesse! Roberts tries for a Jackhammer, but Rob-berg’s countered into a small package as Shay snuffed out his early fire before doing a Lykos. You know what that means!
The actual hell? Roberts called for a Destroyer? Someone (don’t) page Jim Cornette…
They head outside as Shay threw a chair at Roberts… who turned into Zombie Travis Banks as he shoved them away before throwing one right back at him! A single chop sent Shay deep into the crowd as he ran away from his elder, only to reply with a back suplex onto the apron!
Shay drags Roberts onto the stage for a Pedigree, but it’s backdropped away as the senior official took over, at least until Shay started to choke him with… tinsel? Roberts fires back with some Dusty punches, which built up to a figure four on Shay! Someone’s dug up his WCW tapes!
A rope break gets Shay some freedom, which he makes full use of as he kicks Roberts low for a crumbling Pedigree… but then Joel did a Shay! Granted, Shay had his foot under a rope… but that wasn’t cause for a freaking tombstone to the ref! With no law, Roberts tries to use the wet floor sign of doom, but it’s intercepted as Warren came in… and was swatted away with the sign instead!
Joel’s back to his feet after a Stunner from Roberts, but the Anti-Fun Police swarm the ring – including Kid Lykos?! The wolf’s really a bad ‘un! Some saves came from Eddie Dennis… then Travis Banks… then Bowl-a-Rama… but they were all left laying. Chris Brookes was the last one out to clean house, having a little more luck, before he bumped into and was swiped down by Lykos?! That vile wolf!
See, you can never trust anyone in a PROGRESS hoodie. Not even someone who was your friend… or can you?
The Anti-Fun Police held up Brookes for Lykos, who revealed the black shirt of disgrace under his hoodie, but the baking tray shot ended up going to Dunne as it was a ruse! Lykos really is wholesome! CCK reunite, which angered Shay something rotten, and it’s back to the regularly scheduled match now, as Shay pulls out a bag from under the ring.
SHATTERED BAUBLES AND DRAWING PINS?! YOU MONSTER!
Shay dumps Roberts into them with a uranage, but somehow Chris kicked out?! Shay heads backstage for something else… and returns with a table, evoking the start of this story when Roberts got put through a table several weeks ago. Purser tries for a superplex, but then the Fairytale of New York hits as Sebastian Radclaw and the Skat Monkey returned for their annual visit to save Christmas.
Just in time!
Radclaw just about gets off a crossbody to Shay, then a tope con hilo into the throng of bodies on the outside as Chris Brookes throws Shay back inside. Chris Roberts becomes Roman Reigns as he powerbombs Shay through the table… but it’s only a two-count! The shock in the crowd was telling for that, as they sensed that perhaps Shay would sneak it once more. Except he didn’t… because the universe went wonky again as Chris Roberts busted out his threatened Destroyer, and banished Shay Purser for good.
How in God’s name do you rate that? The culmination of a massive storyline that started a year ago with Evil Shay, good overcame evil and allowed us all to celebrate Christmas… and wonder how in the hell does a referee manage to get off a Destroyer?! A match that was all storyline with a little bit of wrestling… but how can you complain? This was never going to be clean as a sheet, and given the limitations, this was an all-star performance. One to watch, as long as you “get” the story and the ATTACK! World…
Roberts offered Shay a handshake afterwards, but it was swiped away as they hugged, with Shay seemingly in tears as he left his red bow tie in the ring before leaving the crowd for their annual Christmas conga!
Once again, we’ve got a great ATTACK! show as their long running story paid off, with Chris Roberts – a man who’s usually a bumbling oaf in stripes – sending the forces of refereeing evil packing from the company. Of course, in 2016 we had this with Pete Dunne, and he was back pretty quick, so let’s use “subject to change” here, but for having a long-running storyline that paid off in the end, I can’t help but recommend ATTACK’s Mistletour shows this year.
Christmas is saved!