…or the one where the ATTACK! universe implodes, thanks to a rotund Mexican!

Dan Moloney vs. Ryan Smile
Another show opening with Dan Moloney getting the Alan Partridge treatment – which is always a joy. This time Dan’s a bad guy since he’s not being booked by WWE, and he started on the outside… just so Ryan and his floaty cape could launch into him at the bell with a tope!

Any dears of Ryan overshooting were quickly put to bed when he popped back to his feet as Joel Allen (who looked bizarre in the ATTACK! referee’s gear) tried to get them back into the ring as the pair instead fought on the stage. A slam forces Moloney to crawl to safety, but he’s quickly dragged towards the bar/merch table… where a mouthful of water’s spat over the camera as Ryan was superkicked mid-drink.

The roving cameraman makes an effort at trying to keep track of them, but the fact that the cameras were tethered by cables meant that we missed a lot of the in-crowd stuff.

We were able to see Ryan try a long run-up for a dropkick to Moloney, but Dan got out of the way and shepherded Smile into the apron, before delivering an F5 onto the apron… only for Ryan to recover quickly and fly back to the outside with a tope, then a hilo! That last one looked to have tweaked a foot, as Smile noticeably winced before getting battered by a clothesline from Moloney.

Smile hits back when he reverses a suplex, before both men sat up and decided to pie-face each other. Things go badly as Smile whiffs on several right hands before Moloney levels him, before Ryan turned things back around with a pop-up into an Ace crusher for a near-fall. After a kip-up, Dan cuts off Smile on the top rope, but Ryan rolls out of a belly-to-belly superplex before landing an OsCutter as a frog splash got him the win. A perfectly fine opener, with something for everyone rolled into one match. ***¼

Danny Jones vs. Love Making Demon vs. Cletus vs. Reluctant ECW Fan (Drew Parker)
The utter roar for “Careless Whisper” for the Love Making Demon had to be heard to be believed. I guess wrestling likes their perverted characters after all! Cletus has apparently wrestled on some pre-shows – he’s a masked lumberjack, which is a massive simplification of his character, but I don’t really wanna say he’s stolen Jim Lee’s shirts.

Drew Parker’s latest extreme iteration was… a reluctant ECW fan who had to be told he was wrestling. I’ve gotta say, that was one of the better ones, and made a change from what we’d seen so far. The Demon chased him into the ring, and we got our four-way underway with the Demon mounting Drew in the corner for some hip thrusts. Giggity. He then grabs Drew’s front and rear, scoring with a Ballsplex before Cletus came in and went to work… only to miss a corner clothesline and receive a sliding headbutt to the groin!

Cletus replies with a superkick and a stomp, before facing Welsh Finn Balor, I mean Danny Jones, who trips up Cletus and almost superkicks his mask off. The reluctant Drew comes in with a ‘rana, before a slingshot into a Flatliner saw him ask the fans “they usually do dives at this point, right?”

And so… dive! Except Cletus stopped it and instead threw in a tope before Drew set himself up for Danny to cut him off, so the Welsh Dragon could score with a tornillo! Third time was the charm, as a tope con hilo ensure ECW-fan Drew could get his stuff in. Shay wanted a dive too, but he just got shoved off the top rope into the pile by the Demon, who then Bray Wyatt’d up into a crab walk before he proceeded to molest Shay in the corner.

Shay kicked the Demon low for some reason, and called for a superplex so he could get his wrestling in for the show… but the Demon avoided it and gave Shay his first kiss instead. Danny and Cletus fought over who’d get that superplex in, before they decided to both have a go, with Shay finishing off the tower of doom!

Drew tried to pick apart the pieces, but he took a hip attack from the demon as bodies flew everywhere, including with Drew taking a tornado DDT from Cletus, who then took Danny Jones’ backpack stunner. The Demon broke up that pin by headbutting Danny’s groin, leaving the masked one open for Drew to try something he saw on TV… namely a Feast Your Eyes as Big Don’s finish earned him another victory! A nice, fun comedic four-way – and it’s always nice to see the Demon! ***

After the match, Drew put his t-shirt on, then went back into the crowd…

Ahead of the next match, Jim Lee put over how quickly tickets had sold out for next month’s Press Start 5 show. That then segued into the Press Start games console being brought out to the ring as everyone paid homage to a silver GameCube! A spot of foreshadowing saw Jim tell us that “if anything were to happen to this, then everything would go haywire”.

You can guess who ruined the party.

Out comes the Anti-Fun Police: Chief Deputy Dunne, Sergeant Banks, the Brothers of Obstruction, and Los Federales Santos Junior, in all of his rotund glory. Jim fled the ring, but left the GameCube in the middle of it… Of course, Dunne derides the crowd for having too much fun, and the Anti-Fun Police confiscate the GameCube (putting it into a No-Fun bin bag) before threatening to cancel Press Start 5.

This segues into the originally scheduled match…

The Brothers of Obstruction (James Obstruction & Leigh Obstruction) vs. Bowl-a-Rama (Splits McPins & Lloyd Katt)
We got going with Splits against one of the brothers, rolling free of a wristlock before dizzying himself as he kept on rollin’.

McPins tried to work over a brother’s arm, but he’s taken into the corner as the Brothers team up and punch him in the gut, only for Splits to come back and bring in Lloyd Katt, who helped with some double-team hiptosses that looked like such fun. As did a Samoan drop from Katt, which got a near-fall over a brother, before he slammed them onto each other… prompting Santos Jr. to waddle to ringside and get in Katt’s face.

Katt tried to slam him, but hurt his back in doing so, and that got the Brothers back in the game. The Brothers try to clock Katt with a hard hat (hey, that rhymes),but he ducks and brings in McPins who goes to town with a German suplex and a pair of bowling ball shots to the groin… except Santos interferes again to retrieve the bowling ball .

The Brothers try to unmask Splits, before throwing him outside so the other brother can take his shots, as a prolonged spell of double-teaming ended when Splits scores with a headbutt off the top before tagging Katt back in to squash a Brother with an avalanche in the corner. A cannonball follows, as does a DDT, before Santos again sticks his nose in as the immovable object’s finally shifted, as Katt slammed the masked man!

Katt then makes child’s play out of throwing the bowling ball to the outside as McPins bowled it into the Brothers, before a pop-up X-Factor took one of them out… and a powerbomb onto the knees the other. The Brothers stop More Bang For Your Buck, pleading for his their lives… before telling Katt that it was them who provided the dynamite to blow up Bowl-a-Rama.

Enraged, Katt went for the moonsault, but he took out Splits instead, and the Brothers stole the pin from there as everyone was left shocked. A good match, but the real takeaway was the storyline… ***

After the match, Leigh Obstruction took the microphone and reiterated what we just heard, before wishing that Splits and Lloyd weren’t inside Bowl-a-Rama when they blew it up. Those vile, vile brothers…

Following intermission, the Anti-Fun Police return, complete with their GameCube-in-a-bin-bag. Their latest shot was to close the bar and confiscate everyone’s drinks, before they were interrupted by Eddie Dennis’ new theme! Of course, Eddie came to party with some booze, and this segues us into another match after Sergeant Banks refused the offer of a drink…

Sergeant Banks vs. Eddie Dennis
Eddie just drills Banks with a forearm after he threw a drink away, and it’s Air Travis early as Eddie throws him around, before he makes light work of some four-on-one against him on the outside, dropping Santos then Banks with some forearms.

Back inside though, Banks turns things around with a cannonball for a near-fall, before throwing Eddie back out for a little more mugging that gets him another two-count. It feels a little too early in the match to be doing this, but whatever works. Banks then messed up as he made Eddie drink a beer, and of course, that made him Hulk up… and Travis instantly knew he’d done wrong.

The comeback starts from there with forearms before Banks takes an atomic drop as the Brothers of Obstruction come in and get clotheslined as Eddie’s babyface fire roars – featuring him slamming both Brothers into a pile before slamming Joel onto them too. For some reason Joel stayed put and didn’t call for a DQ as Eddie then grabbed former 24/7 champion Warren Owen and slammed HIM onto the pile too!

Santos comes in, and gets slammed onto the Brothers too – with Warren and Joel thankfully having moved away – but all those shenanigans let Banks back into the match. Dennis catches Banks as he went for a Slice of Heaven and countered with a swinging side slam, only for Banks to rebound again with a diving clothesline.

A Fisherman’s driver gets Banks another near-fall, but he’s caught as he went for another Slice of Heaven and is dumped in the other corner with a crucifix bomb for a two-count as the Anti-Fun Police pulled Eddie out of the ring. Again, no DQs? Regardless, Eddie overcame the mugging once again, and a tope from Banks, before returning for a Next Stop Driver that Banks tried to beg off from.

Instead, Eddie had to make do with an O’Connor roll for a near-fall, before Dennis countered out of a brainbuster and into a Next Stop Driver – and that was enough for the win! Within the ATTACK! universe this match worked – with the usual leeway given for all and sundry; but for first timers, I can see why some would dismiss this as being overbooked and inconsistent. For my eyes and ears though, this was fun, with great work from all involved. ***¾

Elijah vs. Kyle Fletcher
On paper, this should be pretty conclusive, with newcomer Kyle “I stole Jay White’s hairstyle” Fletcher taking on the always-derided Elijah.

We start with Elijah working over the arm, before he trades a series of takedowns for some near-falls as both men try and kip-up… with varying success rates. A standing moonsault flattens Elijah as Fletcher follows up with an enziguiri on the apron, before delivering a big boot to knock down the joyless Elijah for a two-count.

Fletcher returns with a kick to the head, only to get flattened with a crucifix bomb – prompting the crowd to croon with a Tom Jones record, replacing “Delilah” with… you guessed it. That seemed to distract the eponymous one as Fletcher hit a Michinoku driver for a near-fall, but again Elijah rebounded, landing a springboard cannonball off the middle rope to send the Aussie rolling to the outside for cover…

Where he was promptly taken out with a forearm after Elijah baseball slid to the floor. Fletcher replied with a springboard body press as Elijah rolled him in and took too long to follow-up. Back inside, Elijah starts to fight back with forearms, before replying to a superkick with a release German suplex. Of course, it didn’t end there as Fletcher drilled Elijah with a sheer drop brainbuster for a two-count, but that just proved to be the impetus for one last hurrah as Elijah landed an implant DDT for the win. Another decent, basic outing – but Elijah continues to build steam… although to whom, heaven only knows, since he’s a distant #2 behind the Anti-Fun Police in terms of bad guys in these parts! ***½

Chief Deputy Dunne & #CCK (Chris Brookes & Kid Lykos) vs. Bird & Boar (Wild Boar & Mike Bird) & Flash Morgan Webster
Yes, we heard the Anti-Fun Police theme once again, as Chief Deputy Dunne with his entire force came to ringside. #CCK joined the Anti-Fun Police in spirit… giving us our first example of “why are they good guys in that other progressive group, when they’re water spitting baddies everywhere else?”

On the other side of the ring… Bird, Boar and Flash, in a rather wacky trio – and to make sure that things were kept on the up and up, referee Joel Allen commandeered Dunne’s loudhailer to order that “anyone not in this match… get the bloody hell to the back!”

When we get going, Brookes goads Bird and Boar by saying that their tag team titles “weren’t real” – a reference to their ICW straps… from there, Brookes takes down Webster by the wrist, before Webster’s escape and attempt at a Strangler was easily charged into the corner as Lykos was tagged in. You can guess what he went for… and failed at.

Webster outfoxed the wolf and scored with a tornado DDT, before bringing in Boar… who similarly thwarted a brainbuster, dumping Lykos sort-of on his head. Next came Bird, who launched into the wolf with a forearm, prompting Chief Deputy Dunne to come in and take a Finlay roll as Boar was thrown onto him in a back senton. “Flying” Mike Bird kept up the pressure on Dunne, before we went through to Webster and Brookes, the former scoring a near-fall from a Special Brew Flip as the bad guys combined to score with a pair of dropkicks as the match threatened to go out of control.

#CCK wore down Webster as they exchanged frequent tags, before Dunne decided to take a less subtle route in laying in some axehandle blows. Eventually, Webster fended off some double-team from #CCK and brought the Boar back in to clear house with clotheslines, before Lykos’s confused cries of “Brainbuster” following yet another failed attempt led to him getting thrown into Brookes… as the pair then ate a cannonball in the corner.

Dunne flipped out of a Trapper Keeper package piledriver, then took a slap as Boar refused to believe his “freeze!” tactics, before all three of the good guys accidentally started slapping each other as if they needed to fire up. Thankfully, they figured themselves out before they could be attacked from behind, but they were still caught with an elevated backcracker as #CCK came back into it.

Boar gets caught in a two-way wet willie by #CCK, with Dunne throwing in a siren wail for the hell of it, before Lykos kept going for that brainbuster, eventually getting one from Boar, and recoiling in pain. Webster returned to take down #CCK by himself, before Dunne provided a distraction as the tables turned and the ring filled. Briefly.

Yep, we get some brawling through the crowd, most of which gets caught on camera, as does the triple post-chop as #CCK did a Trent. We then get dives as Bird and Boar go airborne, before Webster gets tripped by Dunne as he went for his dive… instead, wet a Human Centipede of standing crossfaces, which looked as ridiculous as it sounded, before the Brothers of Obstruction came in… to tie up Lykos and provide a bridge for Webster to walk across as he finished with a flip senton to the floor!

That crossface series couldn’t be broken up peacefully, so Joel just gives Dunne a stunner – that sent the rest of the sequence packing, before Webster returned to give Brookes a Brit Pop Drop for a near-fall, as evil not-quite-child-referee Shay broke up the pin. There was no fast-count as Webster got battered by everyone, but we did get Lykos obliterated by Bird and Boar’s cannonball as Shay held up the pin and flipped off Bird and Boar. Yeah, that wasn’t the smartest of ideas, as he took the gutbuster/big splash combo as the match cranked up yet again…

Boar falls for the “false alarm” enziguiri as the parade of moves continued, featuring a pop-up forearm to Lykos, before Bird caught Dunne for a gutbuster that sparked a series of pile-ons on top of him, one of which probably caused the injury as frog splashes and sentons built up. In the end, #CCK went for the Ink Bomb on Bird, but it was countered out of, only for the Brothers of Obstruction to return to the scene of the crime and take everyone outside as Webster decided to go up top once more and land throw in a Pinball Wizard to the pile!

After returning to the ring, Dunne blasted Webster with a loudhailer for a near-fall, before Bird returned to land a Gotch Piledriver. A standing shiranui from Webster takes Dunne down again, as the good guys finished with a Trapper Keeper stuffed with a senton bomb as Webster scored the pin! That was long and glorious – even if it fell into that ATTACK! category of being overbooked to unfamiliar eyes… ****

After the match, the Anti-Fun Police remained in the ring – mostly because Chief Deputy Dunne had broken his foot – as Webster et al boasted about their win. In fact, it was the sheer fun caused by Webster bragging about beating the ATTACK! champion that made Dunne snap, demanding that Santos Jr destroy the sacred GameCube. So he did.

By way of an Earthquake sit-down splash!

The lights started glitching out, as everyone in the ring acted like their programming had gone wrong. That just left us with a “Game Over” alert and two things: ring announcer Jim Lee crashing as he thought he was ATTACK!’s alt-ring announcer Jayda giving the standard farewell speech… and a Blue Screen of Death.

I’m not going to lie, but when I watched that full-screen on my PC, I shat myself…

As ever, another solid show from ATTACK!, and one that was strong in terms of storyline. The fall-out from Santos Jr squashing the GameCube caused a fair amount of buzz, particularly as many took it to mean that the actual event for Press Start 5 was cancelled. It certainly says a lot about the ATTACK! universe – and its fans – that everyone bought into the wackiness caused by what was essentially a modern day version of Earthquake squashing Damien.

Sure, this year ATTACK! have thrown us stories where a bowling alley that may or may not have been real has been blown up by #CCK, as well as this current story of a broken GameCube glitching out the entire ATTACK! universe… but if this means that Press Start 5 will end up being another piece of wackiness – perhaps with wrestlers playing their opponents (and vice versa), then I’m all in.

Especially if it means we could see Los Federales Santos Jr playing Ryan Smile…