ATTACK! returned to Cardiff’s Walkabout for their annual WrestleMania tie-in, this year named after a Creed song.
Fans of a certain age will no doubt have fond memories of the “Desire” videos WWE created fifteen years ago, showcasing the company and certain wrestlers. The most famous of which was set to “My Sacrifice”, spawning a music video hell as a tonne of indy wrestlers did the same. That song opened us here, and sent me back to my Uni days. The song, that is, not the video, which took us through various moments in ATTACK! history…
Starting off on a hot note!
Elijah vs. The San-Drew (Drew Parker)
ATTACK! are making use of the Walkabout’s video screen with entrance videos, or in Elijah’s case, an excuse to go karaoke, which quickly segued as you really shouldn’t be singing along to a heel’s music! Drew Parker was announced as just “extremely confused”, but his ring music and gear had him down as the San-Drew. So there.
Not-Shay was our referee, and I’m guessing this is Extreme rules, as Drew threw Elijah the Singapore cane at the start. He missed. There was some fun stuff here early with Elijah hitting a crucifix bomb, before heading outside to bring a pair of tables into play, giving flashbacks to what happened at the Kris Travis Tag Team Invitational.
There’s a bunch of people in the crowd cosplaying, including someone as Tanga Loa (in full facepaint), and Leva Bates when she was Blue Pants. If she cosplays as that, that’ll be meta…
Anyway, Elijah grabs a chair only for Drew to use it on him, before Elijah was suplexed onto a folded-open chair for a near-fall. Drew gets whipped with a belt as the crowd were warming up for a staple gun spot… which eventually comes when Drew’s t-shirt gets stapled over his head. That’s quite the visual. With Drew unsighted, he was helpless to take a bunch of cane shots, before recovering to staple Elijah in his Dahls, then a Benadryller for a near-fall.
A gift bag full of drawing pins come into play, but Wrestling Logic dictates – the man who brought them in takes them. Poor Drew Parker’s back. Elijah then turned it up by POURING SALT ON HIS BACK, so of course, he gets superplexed into the pins next. Elijah replies by hitting a chairshot to Drew on the top rope, sending him flying through a table, and he’s eventually carted to the back… but the ref’s not called for the bell. Or whatever he’d do as ATTACK don’t have one.
Eventually we get a count-out going, but Drew returns as… Sab-Drew! Oh my God, he’s cycling through them! Chair to Elijah! Feast Your Eyes! Spear through a table in the corner! Sab-Drew wins! Ah, you’ve got to love EC-Drew and his brand of nostalgic violence! A great opener for this crowd, although I don’t sense that this was the blow-off with Elijah? ***
“Flash” Morgan Webster vs. Charlie Sterling
It’s nice to hear a bit of The Jam rather than the royalty-friendly soundalike. Sterling’s wheeled out his OTT beret and gimmick here, but it doesn’t draw the same response in Wales as it does in Ireland. Heck, he’s even mocked by the Tanga Loa guy.
Shay’s our referee here, just because, and he’s still got his pet lip for the crowd shouting “we hate Shay”. Bless.
Sterling wears down Webster early, before deciding to moon the crowd. For heel heat? Alright then… A lot of this is Sterling jawing with the spirited crowd, who laid into him with a brief chant of “tiny nipples” as he fended away the odd kicks from Webster. Charlie gees himself up to do a flip, but of course Webster had long since rolled away as he misses a standing moonsault, leading the crowd to call him a “moonsault wanker”. We’re back to the Inbetweeners jokes then!
Webster launches into a comeback from there, taking Sterling to the outside for a low-pe into the entranceway. Sterling replies with a tope after he was rolled in, before Webster returned that favour with a tope con hilo. They go back and forth with knees in the corner, before Webster takes a bridging German suplex for a near-fall. Eventually, Webster hits another moonsault press out of the corner, before a brainbuster from Sterling almost wins it.
Sterling pratfalls as he climbs the turnbuckles, before he misses a spiral tap… that lets Flash back in with a Destino, then a tornado DDT that he turns into the Strangler guillotine for the submission. As good as you’d expect these two to be – Webster’s looking like he’s not missed a beat, but I’d have liked to have seen a little more out of Sterling, who for me is in danger of getting lost in the shuffle. ***¼
ATTACK! 24/7 Championship: Shay Purser vs. Warren Owen (c)
Shay did the Pete Dunne shtick, coming out to his old Bring Me The Horizon theme before taking a barrage of abuse from the crowd. Shay tells us that if Warren can never go for the 24/7 title again if he loses… so it’s all on the line.
Ohmygod Warren’s using Goldberg’s theme! The video screens encourage the crowd to chant “War-ren”, and this is glorious!
Shay starts by charging Warren into the corner… he’s shoved back as Warren goes all Sting! Then Goldberg with a massive spear! Another spear rocks Shay, and bloody hell, Warren’s quite a good facsimile for Goldberg. He goes for a Jackhammer, but Shay rolls him up, and we have a new champion!
Add Warren hitting a bloody good spear to the list of things I didn’t expect to see! It was a fun run with the belt, although there was only so much you could do with that before it was time to move on – and it’s nice to see a promotion incorporating the fans into things. Not that I’m calling for more fans to become wrestlers!
Shay celebrates with the belt as if he were Pete Dunne, before he basks in his glory. Sorry, wrong wrestler. I meant to say “insults and gloats”, before he’s interrupted by… B*witched? It’s Nixon Newell, and she’s here to try out that 24/7 rule…
ATTACK! 24/7 Championship: Shay Purser (c) vs. Nixon Newell
1-2-3 “we hate Shay!” – Nixon bites Shay’s hand kicks his head out of the ring. Nixon goes up top for a moonsault onto Shay and some bodies underneath, before taking him around the front row to have the crap chopped out of him by some fans… including Warren’s wife Sophie. Payback can be a…
Back in the ring, Shay hits a superkick to the back of the head, then tries for a reverse ‘rana that came closer to a back cracker than anything else. Nixon hits back with a Rock Bottom, then a 619, before a double stomp off the top got her a near-fall. A DDT out of the corner almost has Shay retain, before he tries for a Destroyer.
It didn’t work… but Nixon’s did, as she hit that, then a Shining Wizard, and Nixon’s now a three-time champ, after winning it in 2014 and “sharing” it with Lana Austin later that year… then again, so was Shay and Warren (if you don’t count reversed decisions as a new reign). **½
Best-of-Three-Falls for the ATTACK! Tag Team Championship: #CCK (Chris Brookes & Kid Lykos) vs. Bowlarama (Splits McPins & Lloyd Katt) (c)
Splits McPins overcomes a fear right from the off, taking out #CCK with a tope – after breaking his nose when he tried it against them at the Kris Travis Tag Team Invitational a month earlier.
The first fall quickly goes to the champions as they hit More Bang For Your Buck on Lykos for a pin… but Chris Brookes hit the champions with chairshots during the rest period, so that doesn’t lead to a DQ. Immediately after the restart, Lykos gets a near-fall, before they go for “that sick fucking tag move, idiot” that also gets the challengers a near-fall.
Lykos then gives McPins a wet willie to the mouth since that mask covers the ears, before Brookes comes in and has Splits flip off everyone. Splits’ mask almost, erm, splits as Brookes pulls on it, and for some reason the crowd revive the “bowling/boozing” chant from the KTTTI… despite CJ Banks being nowhere to be seen.
McPins avoided three attempts at a brainbuster before bringing in Katt, who pulled off an Elgin-like slingshot slam onto Brookes, before avalanching into the challengers. A wheelbarrow suplex wrecks Lykos, as does a tope from “Fat Cat”, before the champions come back with a pop-up X-Factor and a Snake Eyes onto the knees to almost retain.
Katt misses a dive to the outside and eats a tope from Brookes for his troubles as Lykos DDT’d McPins onto the apron before a twisting Asai-style crossbody completed that particular set. From there, it’s the matter of the Ink Bomb and #CCK level things at 1-1. Of course, #CCK don’t give their opponents the 20 second break as they keep stomping away on Splits, before Katt started the third fall with some chops before we just-about got the Codebreaker/back senton combo off the top rope. Lykos keeps it up with the Lo Mein Pain, before a tombstone from Brookes gets another near-fall…
The challengers pepper Katt with kicks and knees as he proclaimed that Bowlarama would never die… Katt then takes an Ink Bomb, but this time he kicks out as the fight back starts in earnest! Splits drops Lykos with a spin-out facebuster, but #CCK come back with the Codebreaker combo… except this time it’s blocked as Bowlarama try to give us More Bang For Your Buck again… and this time Lykos kicks out!
Bowlarama try again, but it becomes a superkick party that Katt gatecrashed with a double clothesline, only for Lykos to hit a handspring enziguiri… and you know we saw something extraordinary earlier with Warren’s spear? KID LYKOS ACTUALLY HIT HIS BRAINBUSTER! ON KATT! FOR THE WIN! Holy crap on a bike. That’s a way to win a match – by finally hitting a move you’d failed miserably at all year! This was a really good match, with some good call-backs to prior matches, and it’s going to be interesting to see where the Bowlarama pairing move from here. ****
We must have taken an intermission here, as the show returns with Jim Lee as your ring announcer – having hot-footed it from Wembley (where his beloved Coventry won the Checkatrade Trophy final hours earlier) to Cardiff to resume duties.
Brothers of Obstruction (James Obstruction & Leigh Obstruction) vs. Wild Boar & Mike Bird
Billed as just “James” and “Leigh”, the former Brothers of Construction are now the ATTACK! Health and Safety officers as part of the Anti-Fun Police. They also look like rejects for a Village People tribute band with their mustachioed get-up… Bird & Boar played somewhat babyface here against the defacto bad guys, and of course, Shay was back to be the less-than-partial official.
I’ll be honest here, I can barely tell these two apart when they’re the Hunters – until recently when the extended kneepad of Jim helped. Both these guys are in long trousers, so this is going to be a blast to recap! One of the Brothers eats a pop-up powerbomb early from the Boar, who comes back with a Health-and-Safety approved DDT to Bird. The match spills to the outside for a spot of brawling, and of course Shay’s turning a blind eye to some double-teaming from the Brothers.
Mike Bird comes in and slaps one of the Brothers silly, almost to the point where his moustache comes off, much to the delight of the self-proclaimed “FUN-AH SECTION”. A wheelbarrow/bulldog would have gotten Bird and Boar the win, but Shay’s too busy fixing a turnbuckle, so the Brothers get the chance to come back with a double-team slingshot suplex for a near-fall.
The Brothers of Obstruction’s obsession with giving a thumbs up led to them taking a thumb-up-the-bum suplex (yes, it’s what you think it is), before Boar went to town with some chops. We get a Blockbuster on Boar onto the other Brother’s knees for a near-fall – which I swear was slow-counted – before the Brothers are piled into each other in the corner for a cannonball. Things turn around when Boar takes a top rope ‘rana, before he gets his knees up to block a big splash from the other Brother… and Boar holds onto him so Bird can hit a double stomp off the top onto the restrained brother, before a Trapper Keeper and a Gotch piledriver led to the finish… the Fireman’s carry gutbuster and a frog splash. But Shay wouldn’t count until he was bullied into it, and when he tried to play the “frozen arm” gimmick, Bird just stomped the hand down to make the final count. GENIUS! Finally someone shows up that spot and uses it against Shay – and it helps that it’s a no-nonsense tandem like Bird and Boar. A decent match, but I just couldn’t buy into the Brothers as heels. ***½
It looks like Bird and Boar want the tag titles, or Mike Bird was just rubbing his tummy funny. That should be a cracking match…
Dan Moloney vs. Danny Jones
So, Danny Jones is no longer ravin’, after declaring at the KTTTI that the rave was over. His new act is “Welsh Dragon” Danny Jones, which seems to be very inspired by Finn Balor’s face paint. The ring jacket’s a cool touch with the dragon’s tail, but I’m not too keen on that paint…
Jones starts with a tornillo onto Moloney on the outside, before they brawl around ringside, where Moloney catches a tope and turns it into almost an F5 on the apron. Back inside, Moloney hits an overhead belly-to-belly, before catching Jones on the top rope with a belly-to-belly superplex. A series of big boots rock Jones, who then wriggles out of a TKO and sets up for a backpack stunner out of the corner for a near-fall.
A sit-out F5 follows from Moloney, as does a knee strike, but Jones keeps on kicking out. Jones hits an Awful Waffle for a near-fall, then a German suplex gets him a near-fall, before the Go To Sleep gets the win. A good showing from Jones, and a fun outing to get the crowd ready for the main event, but I’m far from sold on the look – even a removable mask would beat the face paint, which just invites Balor comparisons. And those should be reserved for Jordan Devlin! ***
ATTACK! Championship: Eddie Dennis vs. Chief Deputy Dunne (c)
Dunne was joined by his Anti-Fun Police colleagues, the Brothers of Obstruction (carrying riot shields with “ANTI FUN” on them), and Los Federales Santos Junior, who had a police light strapped to his head. That looks fun!
Like last year, Dunne had a black vest that had SWAT on it, and again, that has to be a typo… by the way, Shay is the referee, so expect shenanigans!
This was nuts right from the start, as the Brothers tried to get involved to prevent a powerbomb to the outside, and instead just took a tope con hilo from Eddie… who caught a tope from Dunne and dumped him on the apron with a swinging side slam. A buckle bomb and a Next Stop Driver follows, and this time Shay just flips off Eddie rather than pretend his shoulder’s hurt. Shay actually tries to hit Eddie, but he takes a forearm instead before Dennis press slams him to the pile.
Dunne beats down Dennis, then throws him outside so his colleagues can join in the mugging. After Eddie laid into the Anti Fun Police, he chased Dunne up a stairwell… and after teasing throwing Eddie into the crowd, ohmygod it ends with a Border Toss off the stairwell into the pile below!
Eventually Eddie returns to the ring and scores a visual pin before a second ref appeared to count a near-fall. Dunne jaw-jacks with the crowd’s “No Fun-ah Section”, which just gets him a forearm before he suckered Dennis into an enziguiri, but the challenger hit back with a deadlift, delaying superplex before delivering a diving clothesline and another swinging side slam to almost regain the title.
Dunne hangs Eddie in the corner for a knee drop for a near-fall, but the challenger comes back with a fisherman’s suplex, then a small package driver to get a little closer, before they moved to boo/yay forearms. Channelling Warren, Eddie spears Dunne out of a springboard Codebreaker attempt, then sets up for a Next Stop Driver, only for Dunne to roll out of it and try his Sister Abigail DDT.
The counters continue until Dunne takes another bucklebomb, before Eddie nailed him with a Next Stop Driver off the middle rope! The referee counted three, but he was pulled out of the ring after I guess a missed cue. Dennis stared down Dunne, who’d rolled to the outside, and took a double-team flapjack from the Brothers of Obstruction onto a wet floor sign… and now the referee comes in to count a near-fall. Like falling on a wet floor sign is death! The Brothers get involved again, but this time Eddie ducks a double enziguiri before Dunne speared one of them. A superkick from Eddie kills the referee, before Santos Jr. comes in to help out… but he gets caught climbing the ropes and is given a crucifix bucklebomb. Another springboard codebreaker gives Dunne a visual pin… so he heads outside for some handcuffs?!
Dunne handcuffs Eddie’s hands behind his back, then grabs a chair to jab into Eddie’s midsection. I’m guessing this is Eddie’s sacrifice? More chairshots follow, before Eddie breaks free and returns the favour, striking down Chief Deputy Dunne and one of the Brothers. The other gets a chokeslam, before Santos Jr is powered up for a bodyslam. It’s like Hogan slamming Andre all over again!
With Eddie distracted, he takes another springboard Codebreaker, this time kicking out at one, then a rope-hung DDT before kicking out at two! Dunne looks to finish off Eddie with the Sister Abigail DDT, and that’s all folks. Maybe a little overbooked with the oodles of run-ins from the Anti-Fun Police (and none for Eddie…), but a perfectly fun, chaotic main event. ***¾
After the match, the Anti-Fun Police attack Eddie again, but this time Bowlarama head out to make the save… then get beaten down. But then… GLASS SHATTERS! Out comes the Love Making Demon, whistle-and-all… then get beaten down after a Stunner to Dunne. Flash Morgan Webster comes out next to stare down Dunne, but he’s got that long parka on. They don’t jump Flash, and… ohmygod he’s turned to the other side! Webster unzips his jacket to reveal a black shirt, and the crowd boo as he looks to have joined the other side.
But wait! There’s more! “Flash” rips apart George at ASDA’s finest black shirt to reveal an ATTACK! tee underneath, then headbutts Dunne before clearing the ring. Flash goes flying with a Pinball Wizard senton off the corner to the floor, before choking out Dunne with the Strangler to send us all into WrestleMania happy. So… Flash vs. Dunne, anyone?
Another tremendous ATTACK! show to lead into a “bigger” event – but at around a third of the length of that big show, I know which one I’ll be watching back! Yeah, it may have been a night for the bad guys to come out on top, but this at least built up to some clear matches in the near future – matches that the crowd at least wanted to see!