ATTACK! ended their year with the finale of their Under the Mistletour, with Bristol’s Trinity Centre playing host to a night of fun!
The pre-match stuff with Jim Lee featured him coaching the crowd in how to effectively hate Shay Purser, and and we got underway with Christmas Wrestling Fun! Except, we didn’t, as the Anti-Fun Police came a-calling in the form of Sergeant Travis Banks.
Travis Banks vs. Elf Ligero
You just knew it had to happen. El Ligero in a red and green outfit, complete with baubles on his mask. Chief Deputy Dunne accompanied Sergeant Banks, still sore from being chokeslammed off of the balcony in Cardiff last night.
As you’d guess, Banks wasn’t best pleased, and tried to restrain Ligero… who dropped a bauble to distract the Sergeant in the early going as they worked over each other’s wrists. Banks then grabbed a second bauble and stomped it to smithereens, before he got too cocky and grabbed a headlock on Ligero… who walked out and swapped himself for the referee. It wasn’t until Ligero wandered over and waved that Banks figured it out…
Selling the headlock like death, the referee was able to make a one-count after a dropkick from Ligero. We then got a time-out as Ligero went under the ring for a bag – containing a gift for Sergeant Banks; a can of Fosters lager that wasn’t well received. Ligero faked out a dive as the Anti-Fun Police walked away… then into the path of some mistletoe as Ligero dangled some over their heads… and of course, they ended up kissing.
Back in the ring, Banks went back to work on Ligero, before the Elf smashed that gift bag over the Sergeant’s head… which only served to anger him some more. A knee drop misses, so Banks throws Ligero to the outside, where he gets blindsided by Chief Deputy Dunne. More miscommunication sees Ligero kick Dunne into the path of Banks, then follow up with a ‘rana to the Kiwi.
A Shiranui gets Ligero a near-fall, but he misses a Mexican Wave and falls to a clothesline for a near-fall. Banks then opens the can of Fosters – and since it’s Australian, and fun, I guess, he spits it out… only to blind the referee. Chief Deputy Dunne comes in to spear Ligero – but hits Banks by mistake, as the masked man gets another near-fall. Banks falls for some wacky rope running that ended with a slingshot Ace Crusher, before Ligero took the win with the C4L. You know the drill with these shows – a pretty good match, veiled by some fun nonsense. ***¼
Martin Kirby vs. Drew Parker
So Martin Kirby’s opponent here was Extremely Confused Drew, who thought he was Drew Van Dam tonight. To add to the act, ATTACK’s own whistle blower, Ravin’ Danny Jones, played the part of Bill Alfonso!
They worked some RVD spots early on, as Drew missed an early attempt at Rolling Thunder, before Kirby kicked him mid-pose. After going outside, Kirby hit a diving kick through the ringpost to Drew, then went back inside as Kirby hit the Puppy Power diving shoulder in the corner.
A hanging vertical suplex followed from Kirby for a near-fall, before he lifted up Parker for an inverted Argentine backbreaker – a hold that Parker rolled out of and into a crucifix for a near-fall. RVD’s rolling monkey flip followed, as did a body slam and another missed Rolling Thunder.
Parker again fought back as he countered an enziguiri from Kirby with a rolling heel kick, before aborting a Five Star Frog Splash. Kirby got backdropped onto the top rope as Danny Jones came in to hold a chair up for a Van Daminator. A chair dropkick followed, then Drew Van Dam picked up the win with a Five Star Frog Splash. Basic, but good for what it was. **½
Straight after the match, Danny Jones sneak attacked Drew – and I guess we have an impromptu match!
ATTACK! 24/7 Championship: Drew Parker (c) vs. Danny Jones
All it took was a pumphandle facebuster by Jones, and we have a new champion!
ATTACK! 24/7 Championship: Danny Jones (c) vs. Martin Kirby
Kirby tried to roll-up Jones immediately, but he kicked out… so Kirby threw in a Famouser, only to be thrown out of the ring…
ATTACK! 24/7 Championship: Danny Jones (c) vs. Drew Parker
…and Drew Van Dam returned to steal the pin and regain his title!
Bird & Boar (Mike Bird & Wild Boar) vs. FSU (Eddie Dennis & Mark Andrews)
Heel referee Shay – seemingly the only one on duty tonight – got chants of “past your bedtime” and “you’ve got homework” by the fans.
Bird and Dennis start off with some grounded stuff, before Boar and Andrews worked at a faster clip, as Andrews scored an early roll-up. FSU isolated Boar for a spell, connecting with axehandles to his arm, and straight forearms to the head. Some distraction from Bird allowed the Boar to get behind and dump Andrews with a German suplex, as the tables turned in the favour of the heels. Who were told that they were “terrible human beings” by the live crowd.
As usual, the despicable Shay overlooked the heels’ cheating, but when Andrews was able to recover, he was dropped by a stiff bodyslam from the Boar, who followed up with a heavily-torqued armbar. Andrews worked free, but was caught by Boar… who took some elbows before Eddie Dennis was yanked off the apron just as Andrews was about to make a tag out.
More cheating from the heels as Shay did his best to turn his back on it all, to the cue of “give Shay detention” chants. Poor kid. Bird and Boar stayed on top of Andrews for what felt like forever, before Andrews finally leapt over the pair of them and made the hot tag to Dennis, who cleaned house with clotheslines.
“That thing that always happens” happened, as Dennis gave Bird and Boar a Samoan drop/fallaway slam, before drilling the Boar with a forearm on the top rope. A blind tag was made a Dennis dumped Boar with a superplex, which allowed Bird to fly in with a frog splash straight to Eddie “Christmas” Dennis’ knees.
Andrews returned and laid waste to Bird and Boar with a combination of moves, ending with a tope con hilo to Bird on the outside, then a flying seated senton to Boar. The tables turned once more as Boar worked free, and smashed into FSU with separate cannonballs, before a spike sit-out tombstone only proved to be enough to get a near-fall.
A double Stundog Millionaire frees up Andrews for another tag out, allowing Dennis to lay in some more forearms, before FSU accidentally hit each other. Bird leapt into a superkick-assisted Dragon suplex from FSU, as Boar was dumped with an Eddie Dennis lariat. In the end though, the heels came back with a fireman’s carry gutbuster on Eddie, who avoided the frog splash follow-up, before an insane sequence… Mike Bird countered a ‘rana into a fireman’s carry on Andrews, who then went for a death valley driver, only for that to be countered again into a reverse ‘rana.
From there, it was just the small matter of a spike Next Stop Driver as Wild Boar made the save at the count of two. FSU hit back by starting a battle of forearms, only to end up outside and in the path of some topes from the heels. That softened up FSU enough as Eddie took the Fireman’s carry gutbuster, then Boar’s frog splash as the eviltons took the win. Fun stuff, but I’d have enjoyed it more without the sort-of heel referee. Sorry, that’s just my preference! ***½
#CCK (Chris Brookes & Kid Lykos) & Nixon Newell vs. Bowl-a-Rama (Splits McPins & Lloyd Katt) & Tyler Bate
Of course, we had a jump start here, as Tyler Bate was targeted in from the off, before using Newell to give Stunners to both members of #CCK. Bate then teed off on all three with right hands, before useless heel ref Shay was woefully out of position on an early pinning attempt.
Tyler Bate was used as a human bowling ball by Splits going into Lykos in a fun spot, as the Power Ranger Wolf spent a lot of time in the ring early on. The tables turned when the heels triple-teamed Katt, including an elevated Code Breaker from Newell, as Katt became the designated target.
Katt took a wet willie from “Christmas” Brookes, whilst Lykos and Newell made sure that more of Katt’s facial orifices got intruded at the same time. Newell then took her turn at choking away at Katt in the corner, before she missed two double-teams, accidentally nailing Brookes, then Lykos, before taking a Samoan drop from Katt, who finally tagged out to Bate.
Bate unloaded on Brookes with punches to take him into the corner, before catching a crossbody from Newell and giving her an Airplane spin for Christmas. Lykos tried to interfere, but he got tripped and took a Giant Swing too.
Lykos returned to beat down on McPins, who blocked a big boot before diving to the outside with a tope. Katt tried to launch Lykos to the outside too, but heel ref Shay blocked him with a lot blow, only for Katt to recover and press slam Shay onto the pile outside. Of course, Katt went airborne himself with a tope, before Bate added in a dive too.
Back inside, Lykos called for a brainbuster, but Splits got out and landed a superkick as we had a parade of those things. Bate set up Newell for another Airplane Spin, but she worked out and dropped him with a Shining Wizard, only for Katt to return to drop her with a superkick assisted Oklahoma Stampede for another near-fall. #CCK tried to double-team McPins, only for that to badly backfire as Bate made Brookes give Lykos an accidental German. A deadlift German was attempted next, but Bate was shoved into Lykos, before a Blockbuster Gory Bomb collected another near-fall.
Newell came in again to finish off Bate, but she accidentally waffled Brookes with Lykos’ baking tray, as Bate finished off Lykos with a scoop tombstone piledriver for the win. A really solid six-man tag, with Bowl-a-Rama coming along really well for their limited experience in this gimmick so far. ***½
After the match, Brookes and Lykos expressed their anger at how any times Nixon messed up during the match. She tried to apologise, but ended up snapping back after being called a loser. So Lykos took a headbutt, as did Brookes… and Evil Nixon is dead! Newell promised that before she went anywhere, she’d kick the living *bleep* out of Brookes, and she left to the crowd pleasing B*Witched theme. Long live good gal Newell!
Snow Holds Barred: Chief Deputy Dunne vs. Ryan Smile
This was the battle of the Anti-Fun Police against their former member; and any festive weapons were legal!
Smile started by sending Dunne to the outside with a superkick, then flew over the turnbuckles with a tope con hilo. One of Ryan’s first moves back from injury… he’s a nutcase! Our first Christmas weapon was a Santa hat to Dunne’s face… he just wore it, then was turfed to the outside, where he finally took a PK on the apron, then an Asai moonsault!
More strikes from Smile were punctuated by a failed enziguiri from Dunne, only for the kick to succeed at the second attempt. They fought onto the ramp, where Dunne decked Smile before grabbing one of the Christmas present boxes and threw it into his head. Cue chants of “Dunne’s on the naughty list” as he tried to suplex Smile into the pile of boxes, before finally Dunne took a back body drop into the boxes, killing an inflatable snowman in the process!
Smile saved the snowman briefly, then popped him back up for massive cheers, before going back to work on Dunne in the ring. Dunne hits back with a snap German suplex for a near-fall after having originally had Smile in an Electric Chair position, then went outside for his first Christmas weapon: a Santa Stop Here sign! Smile took the sign to the back for a near-fall, before getting another two-count out of a knee drop.
Dunne kept up the pressure with chops in the corner, and cut-off an attempted comeback with an axehandle blow. Smile finally launched a comeback, then landed an apron enziguiri as he stunned Dunne with a missile dropkick. An attempt at an OsCutter was turned into a back cracker as Dunne tried to steal a win, before he went back out for a steel chair with some baubles taped to it.
Wrestling logic prevailed as Dunne took a reverse leg sweep and a powerbomb into the chair for a two-count – and of course, Smile went out for more goodies as evil ref Shay got rid of the chair. In came a pasting table, which I’m not sure was festive… hell, the crowd chanted “Christmas table”, so it counted.
Smile did the Batista thumbs-down en route to an attempted powerbomb, but Dunne worked free and drilled Smile through the table with a spear. A quick recovery from Smile ended with an apron superkick and a death valley driver onto the apron from Chief Deputy Dunne, who was helped back to his feet by the referee. Dunne then slapped Smile, which saw him receive a headbutt, only for Dunne to fire back with another spear as both men crashed down to the mat.
Both men again fired up with strikes, as Smile finally hit his OsCutter out of the corner for a near-fall as Shay again acted up his shoulder. Yeah, that heel ref schtick’s getting old, I’m afraid. Selling it like Nick Patrick, Shay begged off from an increasingly-angry Smile, but Ryan took advantage of the no-DQ rule by superkicking the referee.
In the middle of all this, Sergeant Banks came in and surprised Smile with a diving lariat, and went to pick up Dunne to start some double-teaming on their former cohort. Banks found another table as Smile was getting choked with some tinsel… and just as Christmas looked to be ruined, out came the ATTACK! Scatmonkey in the entranceway. That was just a distraction for another, much larger elf to come through the crowd, and reveal Sebastian Radclaw!
Radclaw saved the day by sending Banks to the outside, all as the Fairytale of Christmas played as if this were a New Jack match. A twisting tope con hilo knocked out Banks, prompting the fans to chant “you saved Christmas” at the returning Radclaw. That just left Smile to finish off the job, but he took too long as Dunne superkicked Smile onto the top turnbuckle, before moving the table.
Dunne looked to go for a superplex through the table, but Smile headbutted himself free and shoved Dunne through the table, then flew off the top as Shay’s shoulder miraculously healed to count the fall – with Radclaw doing so as well, just in case. A pretty good main event here, and of course, we had to send the fans home happy, as everyone came out to celebrate, before Smile thanked just about everyone for the year ATTACK has had, and the year they will have… ***¾
Another fun show by ATTACK!, and we’re slowly seeing the reversals from Pete Dunne’s reign of terror. Nixon Newell went back to the good side, and I hope we see something similar with referee Shay as this act will get old quickly (apparently a second referee missed the show, hence the heel ref doing everything here).
Combined with the first night, this was a hell of a tour – ATTACK! have had a really good year without getting the plaudits they deserve. With 2017 events already planned, including a cross-promotion with Fight Club: PRO, I can’t see anything other than this promotion going from strength to strength in the new year!