In one of last year’s Slobber Knocker Boxes, a copy of ATTACK!’s WrestleMania-weekend shows was included. So, in the spirit of not wasting anything, here’s what we made of “How Do You Learn To Fall Off A 20ft Ladder?”

We’ve got a loaded card here for the Walkabout bar in Cardiff, Wales, featuring the likes of Mark Andrews, Eddie Dennis, “Flash” Morgan Webster and the Dunne Brothers… and the production is very PWG-esque, down to the pre-match title cards in lieu of entrances.

Mike Bird vs. Flash Morgan Webster
We’re dispensing with introductions, and we’re going straight to the ring for our opener. The fans “ring” the bell, and we get underway with a pretty distracting light pattern panning across the crowd, as one fan in no uncertain terms shouts for the ring lights to be turned on.

Webster and Bird lock up in the ropes, before Bird misses a chop and gets one himself. Webster leapfrogs over and hits a low scooped armdrag to the “Ginger Jesus”, before floating up and over for another armdrag takedown. A dropkick sends Bird to the outside, and “Flash” goes flying… well, sliding to the outside, and into the path of some chops from Bird on the outside.

Bird throws Webster back in, and takes some knees as he went to charge into Webster in the corner. A snap hurricanrana from Webster took down Bird, who then took Webster’s Special Brew Flip (imploding senton). Bird was stunned on the top rope with a kick from Webster, who then was shoved out of a top rope ‘rana effort, before a second go was blocked and turned into a massive gutbuster off the top.

Bird lays into Webster with a jumping double stomp before throwing in some punches on the mat. Webster gets taken to the corner for some more chops, and Bird chases in with a forearm and finally a running back elbow. A back suplex gets Bird a near-fall, before he keeps Webster grounded with a seated abdominal stretch.

Some of the crowd apparently think Bird looks like British TV host Noel Edmonds – last famous for hosting the UK version of “Deal or No Deal” – which leads to a “Deal or No Deal” chant, and Webster screaming “no deal” when he was asked if he gave up. That was a nice little audible to play up to the fans… and a nice little callback in 2017, since Webster would end up on that show later that year!

Webster hiptosses himself free, but gets cornered again and chopped by Bird. Webster flips free out of the corner and comes off the ropes with a cross body that sends Bird reeling, before connecting with some headbutts to the midsection. Bird reverses a whip into the corner, but gets taken down with a moonsault press from Webster, who went for a Fireman’s carry… only for Bird to work himself free.

Webster low bridged Bird to the outside and quickly went after him with a pair of topes, before tossing him into the crowd and adding a tope con hilo that went into the front row. As the pair climb back into the ring, Webster’s name appeared on the big screen for some reason, but in the ring “Flash” went for a wheelbarrow, only to be caught and finally reverse the reversal, drilling Bird with a facebuster.

Flash climbed to the top rope after that, landing on his feet from a 450 Splash, before being clotheslined inside out by Bird, who went for a pumphandle into a powerbomb for a near-fall. The crowd chants “Angry Bird” in response to that, as he sets up for a crucifix powerbomb, but Webster backdrops free, before being rolled up for a near-fall, and then getting a two-count himself from a schoolboy. A backslide gets Bird a two, as does a small package, which gets reversed all over the place for a bunch of two-counts.

Webster dropped Bird with the Brit Pop Drop (Hirooki Goto’s ushigoroshi), before dragging himself across to make the cover for a two-count. In response, Webster looked to set up for the Baba O’Riley (Christopher Daniels’ Angels Wings), but was pushed into the corner, where Bird caught him with a crucifix powerbomb for another near-fall. Bird kept going for the move again, but Webster fought himself free, landing a jumping knee strike and then finally landed the Baba O’Riley. Rather than go for the pin though, Webster went up top, before missing a 450 Splash, and taking a snap Gotch-style piledriver… only to kick out at two!

Enraged, Bird dumped Webster on the top rope for a super crucifix powerbomb, only for Webster to turn it into a top rope ‘rana, then a reverse ‘rana before finally landing a 630 Splash for the win. An incredibly fun opener, and it’s no surprise that this ended up on Webster’s “best of” DVD! ***¾

Boogie Nights (Danny Jones & Love Making Demon) & Robbie X vs. Old Poppa Sunflower, Ramses & Super Santos Sr.
Christ, this is bringing back vivid memories of CHIKARA, with a heavy helping of gimmicks! Danny Jones of the Boogie Nights does the Road Dogg entrance, as he and the Demon have DX-style black and green t-shirts, whilst Robbie X just flat out wears an old DX American Football jersey as the trio brand themselves the “Smooch Age Outlaws”.

It wasn’t until I re-read the book chronicling 1PW – All or Nothing – that I realised that Robbie X is probably the most famous graduate of the training school that 1PW opened during their run. We start with Robbie and Sunflower, with the latter staggering around the ring like a drunk. Sunflower slaps Robbie after he’s told to suck it, but Robbie X(Pac) comes back with a spinning heel kick instead. Robbie’s in full-on cosplay mode here as he runs through the X-Pac spots before he’s dumped on his head by a clothesline from Sunflower, who’s suddenly more coherent than usual.

A shoulder tackle from Poppa sends Robbie inside out, and in comes Super Santos Sr to take down Robbie with armdrags! Danny Jones comes in and knocks down Santos, before Dan Dogg (I guess that’s who he’s imitating) hits back with a roll-up into an upward kick, as Ramses gets his turn with a monkey flip. The Love Making Demon cuts off Ramses and gets a near-fall with a bulldog out of the corner, then again after a hip attack.

Santos drops an elbow for a near-fall on the Demon, before Poppa comes in to try and finish the job, ending with the pair of them going down to a clothesline. All of a sudden, “No Limit” comes on as Danny Jones comes in and punches Santos in time to the beat, before Sunflower sends him into the middle rope with a drop toe hold for a 619. Robbie X-Pac comes in with the X-Factor to send the plant packing, before Ramses drops him with a Pedigree. The Demon throws in a superkick to the man in a golden mask, and that just leaves Santos in the ring… to press slam Shay, who instead fights back and takes down Santos with a massive satellite headscissor before a flip senton to the floor knocks everyone off their feet.

Back inside, Demon tries to go after Santos, and eventually gets a Rock Bottom and a Famouser… and that’s it! The Smooch Age Outlaws take the win in a fun, but nonsense six-man tag! ***

Anti Fun Police (Chief Deputy Dunne & Sergeant Smile) vs. Sebastian Radclaw & Uncle Eggbert
The match started with Radclaw being cornered by the police, until he was saved by Uncle Eggbert… who was played by Rickey Shane Page (probably more famous for his IWA:MS in the States).

Radclaw starts by ducking a Dunne clothesline before launching some shoulder tackles into the Chief Deputy, who hit back by trying to slingshot Sebastian, only to get rolled up for a near-fall. Eggbert comes in with his cane and takes swipes at Dunne, before a rope walk ends when Dunne pushes the cane away. They both tag out as Smile scores an early two-count with a dropkick on Radclaw, and it’s Sebastian who’s kept cornered for a spell. The crowd notice that the Anti-Fun Police are wearing SWAT vests, and they chant that the police have spelled something else wrongly… Radclaw’s dropped with a double suplex, just as Eggbert busts out an extra long tag rope so he can make the tag from anywhere.

Dunne tries to charge at Radclaw, but a cross body helps Sebastian get out of trouble. They both tag out, and Eggbert just trips up a charging Smile after having to stop him – since it took old Uncle Eggbert so long to get in the ring! The walking stick is used to send the Anti Fun Police into each other, before he trips Damian into Ryan’s crotch with a headbutt! The ATTACK! Monkey is used to swipe away at Dunne, but the Chief Deputy ends up taking a DDT from the stuffed animal, before a tope from the monkey takes down the police.

We never said ATTACK! was a serious promotion!

Uncle Eggbert tries to talk Radclaw out of a “dangerous dive”, but Radclaw ignores him and hits a moonsault after “fighting his fears”. The spotlight’s on Eggbert now, and he ditches his cane to barely clear the top rope with a tope! Eggbert can walk!

Back inside, Eggberg drops Smile with a forearm and a Twist of Fate, before getting in a sly kick as Smile’s given a big back body drop. Dunne returns with a springboard Codebreaker that sends the Eggbert cap flying, before Radclaw dumps Dunne with a Destroyer! Radclaw then takes a spinning Blue Thunder Bomb for a two-count as Eggbert breaks things up, before both of the police are caught for a chokeslam.

They fight out and hit back with a double enziguiri that gives Eggbert some hair, before they turn around into the path of a missile dropkick! Smile boots Radclaw to the mat, but Eggbert (and his split trousers) take over and threatens to drop Dunne with a Coast to Coast dropkick. He hits it as Smile gets Radclaw with the same move at the same time, before Sergeant Smile lands a springboard cutter.

Dunne stops Smile from “having fun” – or the over-the-turnbuckle tope con hilo as we know it – and after admonishing his Sergeant, he’s dropped by a chokeslam from Eggbert, before a powerbomb to Smile and an assisted body splash helps Sebastian Radclaw get the win! A good match here, and as of time of writing, Radclaw’s final outing in ATTACK. Unless he’s turning out under a hood… ***

After the match, Dunne confronts Smile over the accusations of him liking fun. Smile apologises, but Dunne pulls him back and pie-faces him. So Ryan flips him off, drops him with an enziguiri and a brainbuster, then rips off the Anti Fun Police uniform to a loud pop… before a frog splash leaves an exclaimation mark!

Ladder Match for the ATTACK! Tag Team Championship: Bayside High (Mark Andrews & Nixon Newell) vs. #CCK (Chris Brookes and Kid Lykos) (c)
Newell and Andrews charge the champions at the bel and eventually land a couple of dropkicks to send them to the outside. A series of simultaneous topes follow, ending when #CCK swat them down with some baking sheets…

Andrews takes a stiff baking tray to the head from Brookes, as #CCK get the ladder… but Andrews lands a baseball slide to knock them down! This then turns into your usual ladder match with “A climbs the ladder, B throws them off, then climbs it before C interferes…” spots. An enziguiri off the apron cuts off Brookes, as does a spinning tornado DDT, only for Lykos to wipe her out with a Meteora.

Andrews takes out Lykos with a wheelbarrow roll into a knee stomp, but Brookes then wipes him out with a chop for effect. Newell springs off of a propped up ladder to take down Brookes with a crossbody, before Lykos gets thrown into that same ladder as a precursor for a Shining Wizard and a running shooting star press from the challengers.

Brookes comes in with another ladder as Andrews and Newell look to climb, and of course, Andrews takes a ladder to the head from Brookes. We’ve now got two ladders propped up in the corners, but those don’t instantly come into play as Brookes drops Newell with an inverted Michinoku driver. Brookes quickly gets sent into the ladder, before he and Lykos pop-up Andrews into it as the sequence ends with a regular Michinoku driver.

Lykos stands on Newell to keep her down, but she quickly pops up to stop Brookes climbing the ladder, as both of the champions end up taking superkicks. Nixon climbs the ladder, but instead of grabbing the titles, she turns around and lands a plancha onto the champions off the top rung! In the middle of this, Andrews disappears, but he’s quickly back… on the balcony?! Time to fly, as Andrews hops the railing then performs a huge moonsault off the upper deck, almost crashing into the ring as the pile (including someone who looked a lot like a cleaned-up Lloyd Katt…) took the brunt of it.

Thankfully Andrews didn’t do any serious damage to himself, and in fact, he was the first man up as he went to climb the ladder, only for Lykos to join him up top as they fought for the belts. Brookes sets up a second ladder so he can join in and try and get the belts, but Newell climbs up it too as we have a four-way slug-fest on the top of the ladder. It comes to nought as Brookes knocks down Newell before then taking down the ladder, as Andrews is sent to the outside yet again before Brookes can come back with a third ladder.

That third ladder is propped between the ring and the guard rails, but Brookes takes a quick hiptoss onto it, before Lykos in the ring dumps Newell onto a ladder in the corner with a suplex. The masked Lykos then gets a back body drop onto the ladder bridge outside the ring, before Andrews’ attempt to climb the ladder ends with a baking sheet shot from Brookes, who sent him flying off of one ladder into the propped-up ladder in the corner.

The chaos continued as Newell drops Brookes off a ladder with an Ace crusher, and that leaves her the last one standing… so she picks herself up and drags her body up the ladder to unhook the tag team titles! That.. was a masterpiece. Insanity, perhaps a few too many crazy bumps (that moonsault off the balcony almost went badly wrong), but I loved this match. ****½

Travis Banks vs. Tyler Bate
Travis asks for – and gets – chants after feeling left out when Tyler got them. Yep, this was early in the Kiwi’s run here!

Pretty standard stuff at the start, as they swap wristlocks and armbars as the crowd decided to get solidly behind Bate. Tyler gets out of a wristlock and moves into a headlock as he boots Banks in the head… then we get the British equivalent of the Joey Ryan penis spot. Banks goes for Tyler’s moustache… and by the power of the ‘tache, Bate forces the Kiwi to his knees!

The moustache-lock keeps Banks down for a bit, before it’s used to whip Banks to the outside! Perfectly fun nonsense!

Banks takes his time to compose himself after the“illegal” hold, but he’s still kept on the defensive as he and Tyler trade chops. Finally Banks takes Tyler to the corner for some stomps, but the youngster swaps places as he gets some more chops in. More back and forth sees Tyler set up for a double underhook that stalled into a backbreaker for a near-fall, before Banks fights out of a suplex and rebounds with a springboard roundhouse kick.

A pair of uppercuts and a cannonball into the corner gets the Kiwi a two-count, before using a jawbreaker to get out of a sleeperhold. Bate catches another attempt and pulls off a giant swing and a stalling backdrop hold for a near-fall – channelling his inner Nagata. Another delayed suplex follows in the form of an Exploder as Banks tried to elbow free, but that’s only good for another two-count.

Tyler peppers Banks with some more shots, before Banks fires back with a snapmare and a kick. Bate replies in kind as they go all Shibata on each other, before it ends with Banks just swiping the 19 year old with a slap. Back to the forearms, before Tyler drills Travis with a brainbuster then a short-arm lariat for some more two-count.

Banks hits back with a leaping lariat after Bate missed a moonsault, before the helicopter spin gets the Kiwi the win. This was all sorts of awesome – and I’m going to be having a hard time picking my favourite match off of this card! ****¼

ATTACK! 24/7 Championship: Pete Dunne (c) vs. Wild Boar vs. Eddie Dennis
This was before ATTACK! had brought in a “proper” main title, so this 24/7 title was their top prize. Which is kinda impressive given that it had its roots in wacky Crash Holly-esque skits; including one that saw Eddie Dennis choke out the future Tyler Bate in the toilets.

Dunne starts the match by being double-teamed and clotheslined to the floor, before the two challengers turn on each other. Boar flings Dennis into the corner with an Exploder, before Eddie comes back with a uranage as Dunne comes back with a Kendo stick and goes to town on the pair of them.

Dunne stomps away on Boar in the corner, before he takes the Wild one to his knees for an early spot of finger biting. Boar pops up with a Fireman’s carry slam into a back senton, only for Dunne to counter a suplex with a release suplex as Eddie Dennis returns to return the favour from that earlier Kendo stick shot.

Yeah, I don’t want to ever upset Eddie when he’s got a Kendo stick. Or at all. Those shots look BRUTAL as Dunne’s head, neck, chest and back get targeted, but Boar comes in to save the save as he goes to work by charging both men into corners. Then Eddie comes back with that thing that always happens – the fallaway slam/Samoan drop combo – before he dives onto the pair of them on the floor with a somersault plancha.

Dennis and Boar tease a suplex on the floor, but Dunne ends that back and forth with some chairshots, before Eddie backdrops him into the crowd. Boar joins Dunne on the other side of the railings courtesy of a crucifix powerbomb, as Eddie sets up a seat… which he’s then fought into as Boar takes a bite out of the “Pride of Wales”’ ear. Dunne rushes back in to take advantage by giving Boar a release suplex onto the apron, before he sends Eddie into the entrance-way.

Dunne moves a ladder and a table, propping the table into the ladder for some reason, but whatever he had in mind quickly went awry as Boar speared him into the table. Back inside, Boar drops Eddie for a near-fall from a back suplex, but then gets caught as Eddie tries for a super Exploder. That’s blocked by Dunne… so Eddie goes back up top and brings them both down with a Samoan drop/fallaway slam off the middle rope!

Everyone returns to the ring with a steel chair, and we get a three-way duel, ending with everyone down after a pair of shots to the head and a big boot from Dennis. Dunne comes back with a tombstone after catching a leap-over, but his pinfall is rudely broken up by way of a frog splash from the Boar!

A package piledriver is blocked by way of a kick from Dennis, who takes a powerbomb for a near-fall, before Dunne finds that Kendo stick and breaks it into smithereens across Boar’s back. The Boar comes back with another back suplex and a cannonball senton, before he’s used as a weapon as Dennis throws him into Dunne in the corner with a crucifix powerbomb.

Dennis drops Boar with his own move – the package piledriver – but Dunne breaks that up and hits the Drop Dead (Bitter End) for a near-fall. Dunne goes for a Next Stop Driver, but Eddie pushes out, only to take a Package Piledriver from the Boar. Dunne gets one too, but he kicks out at two as the focus goes outside as the Boar’s gotten a table.

Dunne blocked a spear with an enziguiri, before Dennis was used to push the Boar out of the ring. Another Next Stop Driver from Dunne to Dennis gets a near-fall, so Dunne re-arranged the furniture again and brought out a black bin bag from under the ring. It’s wrestling, so you know what that means: drawing pins!

A superkick puts paid to the Boar again as Dunne has his heart set on dropping Eddie into the tacks, but Wrestling Logic kicks in as Dunne takes a crucifix powerbomb into the pins… then another one into the table, smashing it clean in two! The Boar pulls out the referee as Dennis had the match won, so Eddie kicks away at the Boar some more, only the Boar to drop Eddie into the remaining tacks with a tombstone! Dunne throws a chair to get rid of the Boar, before another Bitter End sees Dunne get the win to retain the title.

Some good stuff here – essentially a three-way hardcore match. The spot at the end where Boar broke up the pin so that Eddie couldn’t win a title that’s always-on-the-line did look a little weird, but it’s in the same realm as “wrestlers breaking up pins in elimination matches”, so it didn’t bother me too much. ***¾

Dunne celebrated with the title in the ring as Boar and Dennis were helped to the back… but the camera stayed on as Dunne grabbed the microphone. He declared himself the world’s best, before running through the number of guys he’s beaten – signalling that there is nobody who can take the belt from him…

ATTACK! 24/7 Championship: Pete Dunne (c) vs. Shay Purser
So in comes referee Shay to roll up Dunne as ring announcer Jim Lee makes the count, and the crowd goes home happy! (Not Rating)

Ah, ATTACK! in happier times, when Shay wasn’t loathed!

Pete Dunne kicks away at Jim Lee after Shay left the scene, but Jim hit a Stunner to send Dunne packing as the show came to an end.

Well… I’m kicking myself now, as this would have been in the top 5 shows of 2016 had I gotten around to watch it last year. The show of course is still up to purchase from ATTACK!’s Vimeo page – and you really should. It’s under two hours long, and it’s some of the best wrestling you’ll see out of the UK from 2016.