An absurdly-long title… and a show that saw the Anti-Fun Police get a chance at revenge as Nothing To Prove appeared for a tag team main event.
A nice touch sees the usual ATTACK! opener interrupted by one of the videos that’s sporadically appeared on their Twitter feed, teasing anarchy. Eddie Dennis is back on commentary, already tossing the show name out of the window, with ring announcer Jim Lee dropping in and out as the show went along.
Wild Boar vs. Angelico
It was a debut for Angelico here, and he seemed shocked by the fact that ATTACK! don’t have a ring bell of their own.
The pair keep things on the ground early, with Boar working the leg of Angelico, whose retort was to work the arm before snapping into some aerial action with a springboard armdrag, ahead of some kicks that took Boar to the outside. Angelico had to abort a dive before he missed a flying knee off the apron as Boar decided to introduce him to the front row courtesy of a spear. A lap of honour into a cannonball came next from the Boar, but Angelico shrugged it off pretty quick and connects with his flying knee off the apron. Back inside, Boar avoids Angelico again and dumps him with a torture rack facedrop and a back senton for his near-fall, as a back elbow keeps the flyer on the mat.
Boar teased the Trapper Keeper, but the South African backdrops free and lands a double stomp instead as the pair moved to strikes. A Capoeira kick from Angelico’s enough for a two-count, before he tries for the Fall of the Angels bucklebomb. Boar escaped and ran into a high knee, as Angelico followed up with a double stomp to the small of the back for a two-count.
A long spell of counters to counters led to Boar nailing Angelico with the Fire Thunder driver (sit-out tombstone) for a near-fall. Angelico’s back with a smattering of kicks, but an Exploder into the corner and a cannonball put him back in place as the Trapper Keeper crushed Angelico for the win. A fun opener, with Boar’s hot start to 2018 continuing in ATTACK! ***¼
Millie McKenzie vs. Sierra Loxton
Unless I glossed over it, this is the first time ATTACK! has done an all-women’s match…
They started out fast, with Millie almost drawing first blood with a wacky running flatliner before Sierra ducked a PK and rolled her up for a near-fall. Loxton kept up with a half nelson suplex and a flying hip attack that wiped out Millie for another near-fall, as she looked to kick at the downed suplex machine.
An armbar keeps Millie down, as did a forearm and a slap… before a vicious, high-speed hip attack almost sent Millie flying out of the ring. The strikes keep coming from Sierra, who slapped the taste out of Millie’s mouth, only to get met with an Ace crusher out of nowhere as the tables swiftly turned… and back again after a brutal spear as Loxton wasn’t pulling any punches! Another series of hip attacks kept Millie in the corner, with the last one having so much mustard on it that Sierra sent herself crashing out of the ring while giving it! Jesus! So many hip attacks looked to be the end of Millie, but she finally avoids one and comes back with a mountain of German suplexes, almost winning the match with that hattrick.
Loxton counters a neckbreaker but ends up eating a Destroyer… and that’s your lot! High intensity, but if you’re not one for move spamming, you’ll probably not like this. Still, both women found the one thing that worked for them and for once a Destroyer wins a match! A fantastic showing in defeat from Sierra here. ***
Anti-Fun Police (Brothers of Obstruction (Leigh Obstruction & James Obstruction) & Los Federales Santos Jr.) vs. Chris Brookes, Jonah Rock & Lloyd Katt
It’s amazing what a Pavlovian response the Anti-Fun Police’s music gives… but who were the good guys here? A trios match full of fan favourites, eh? Still, at least someone made a little mascot for Santos… Santos’ Little Helper!
Eddie Dennis killed me on commentary, saying that Kid Lykos had to give up his sling because ATTACK’s insurance only covered one… and Eddie needed it more! Still, evemif Lykos wasn’t 100% cleared, Chris Brookes had a replacement, straight out of his trip to Germany as his best friend Jonah Rock came out… inspiring jealousy in the wolf.
We start with comparisons as Katt, Santos and Rock pointed out their sizes, before Katt and Santos go all wrestle-y, with Santos trying to avoid a sunset flip, only to miss a sit-down splash onto the Bowling Daddy… who then replied by nearly dumping Santos on his head from a back body drop! Santos tagged out pretty quickly after that as one of the Brothers came in… and went to flip off Katt for that mess up.
James Obstruction found out the hard way that lanky Brookes is hard to get a submission on, thanks to the ease he can get to the ropes, before an imploding standing senton got a near-fall. Leigh’s in next, as Brookes gets isolated, only to break free with a back senton and a flipping cravat neckbreaker… leaving the poor brother open for a wet willie. James doesn’t have much more luck against Jonah Rock, bouncing off of him, before Leigh suffered a similar fate, getting slammed ahead of a piggy-back big splash with Brookes on his back.
Both Brothers get caught in a stacked-up Samoan drop, before Santos returned and tore into Jonah for thinking he was the “big dog”. Lykos gets involved in the argument, only to be told that Santos’ Little Helper is the big dog… who Chris Brookes punts up into the balcony. That’s mean! Brookes keeps up with some Ronnie Garvin-like stomps on one of the Brothers, who then gets squished by a rolling crossbody from Jonah for another near-fall.
An errant double dropkick sees Brookes clear his own side of the ring, allowing Leigh to tag in and fire up on Brookes, then Katt, with chops and punches… before using Brookes as a landing pad for a neckbreaker on Katt. We’re back to Santos and Rock, who has to tend with Santos’ No Fun Gun… which is easily eaten. Santos wants to tag out, but nobody’s there, and after a False Alarm Enziguiri, Brookes nails Santos with Lykos’ baking tray.
We get a Parade of missed moves off the top rope, ending when Santos cleared the ring from the impact of his missed big splash, before Rock slammed him… and misses a moonsault! Santos gets the Andre slam in next, and now it’s dive time! After that, the Big Dog Santos hits the Shield powerbomb onto Brookes for a near-fall, before another Parade broke out, with Santos’ Big Ending getting followed up with a brainbuster from Rock!
Things turned around against the Anti-Fun Police, as Lloyd Katt hit a solo More Bowl For Your Buck, with a Bullfrog Splash from Jonah and a Praying Mantis Bomb from Brookes thrown in… but that’s broken up too! More dives put the Police back on top, with Katt eating a pair of DDTs then a double-team elevated DDT before Santos’ middle rope splash finally put away the Bowling Daddy! All sorts of fun here, with Santos battling on after that initial scare in a match where Chris Brookes’ short-lived flirtation with wholesomeness threatened come to an end. ***¾
Mark Davis vs. El Phantasmo
Phantasmo almost falls for the high-five, before opting to just have a handshake instead as they all decide to point at the old Embassy Bingo sign. Yep. It’s WrestleMania season!
When we get going, it’s not entirely serious business, as Phantasmo suckers Davis into an arm wrestle, before surprising him with a La Magistral cradle for a near-fall! Shoulder blocks work out better for Davis than ELP, as do hiptosses, before both guys show their lucha chops, with Davis doing flip armdrags and cartwheels!
ELP offers a high five after Davis kipped up, but Dunkzilla flips him inside out as we dump all approximations of lucha, as Davis just takes him into the crowd for some WALTER-style chops. Phantasmo tries to escape through the seats, then behind a fan, but those chops still find their way through, before Davis threw him towards the ring, rebounding him off the ropes. That had to have sucked a little!
Phantasmo’s sent into the stratosphere with a back body drop, before a springboard cross body saw him mount a comeback, following with a Quebrada for a near-fall. Davis is taken outside for a series of topes, then a moonsault off the top as he spiked Davis on landing! Back inside, ELP goes for a whirlibird neckbreaker, but there was no way that was happening as the inverted Angle slam saw Davis get a two-count of his own.
Davis comes back with clubbering lariats, but those shots just fire up ELP… into some chops. Plan C? Slo-mo wrestling, of course. Davis doesn’t play along, but he’s forced into it as time slows down – as does commentary. Either that or Eddie’s drinks hit him real quick! We get a slow-mo Hulk Hogan comeback (even slower than the real thing), but Dunkzilla kicked out at two! Rope walking and ‘ranas follow, still in super slow motion, as does Davis’ usual comeback, including the sliding forearm into the corner…
… and now I wonder how they’re going to slow-mo the pull-up piledriver. Except Phantasmo flips out and trades forearms, before Davis decides to end it with a regular speed chop and the pull-up piledriver for the win. Wacky fun as always when ELP goes slo-mo, and I’m now wanting to see Davis do that in this gimmick. ***¼
Mike Bird vs. Kyle Fletcher
Bird got cheered, but didn’t play up to the crowd one bit here on his first appearance since telling everyone he “despised” wrestling.
It didn’t start well for Bird, as a trip-up sent him careering to the floor in the opening moments, as Fletcher looked to be more than a step ahead… at least until the “broken down” Bird smashed him into the turnbuckles with a death valley driver. Bird kept things simple too, connecting with a hard chop as he took Fletcher into the ropes – keeping up the 80s-90s TV wrestler look with offence that sort of befit the era.
Bird ends a series of strikes by grabbing Fletcher by the throat and punching him… but that just angered the Aussie Arrow into another flurry of shots… and then into a Botchamania moment as his springboard came up short. He’s right back as he countered a back suplex, turning it into a pinning attempt for a near-fall, following up with a Michinoku driver as Fletcher kept control. The lawn-dart into the middle turnbuckle followed, but Fletcher whiffs on the moonsault and eats a lariat instead, before a sit-out crucifix bomb almost put the Aussie away. Instead, Bird goes all Minoru Suzuki, but the Gotch piledriver doesn’t end it either, even though Fletcher was barely strong enough to stand after it… or was he? Of course it was a ruse, as Bird aimed for a middle rope piledriver, before shoving Fletcher down as he misses a swandive headbutt, allowing Fletcher to get the win with a La Magistral!
This told a nice story following on from Bird’s promo at the last show – as he was visibly a step behind Kyle Fletcher for most of the match, while his offence was severely toned down. Gone too was the jovial Bird, as we almost had a vibe that he was here “because he had to”… ***¼
Post-match, Bird beats down Fletcher and shoves down Chris Roberts, only to be stopped by Wild Boar… but Bird can’t be calmed down as his hug was a red herring! Boar’s dropped with a forearm as Bird snapped on his tag partner, squashing him with the Gotch piledriver before choking him with some wrist tape. It seemed that Bird was fed up with the opportunities his now-ex tag partner was getting, leading to the crowd to brand him the “Ginger Judas”.
Jack Sexsmith and Chuck Mambo ran from the merch table to try and make the save, but Bird ended up leaving rather than deal with a numbers game…
Again, the ATTACK! sting got interrupted with a weird video, this time with an Irish voiceover…
Nothing To Prove (Drew Parker & ELIJAH) vs. Anti-Fun Police (Chief Deputy Dunne & Travis Banks)
It’s safe to say I’m far from sold on Nothing To Prove. Perhaps it’s their dismal record in the ring? Their odds didn’t look much better here either, as the Anti-Fun Police reunited – or at least, Chief Deputy Dunne and the “Chief Officer Deputy Dude Man” Travis Banks, the latter dressed in a black string vest.
There’s a brief argument between Dunne and Banks over dress code, which inadvertently inspires fun, mixed in with a brief beatdown of Drew Parker, who tried in vain to jump Banks. ELIJAH tried to turn it up, but had similar luck against Dunne, as the Anti-Fun Police were putting their opponents in a position they were only too familiar with. Dunne is coerced into a “sexy knee drop” on Parker… but Santos demonstrates what he shouldn’t do as he virtually dry-humped Travis Banks. O-kay! All those shenanigans allowed Parker to mount a comeback, catching Dunne with a flying stomp before isolating the head of the Anti-Fun Police… all while dealing with a heckler or two.
A false alarm enziguiri gets Dunne free as Banks tagged in to clear house, dumping ELIJAH with a German suplex before kicking ELIJAH into an accidental cannonball into his own man, before the AFP hit duelling dropkicks into the corner! From there, Nothing To Prove take their time isolating and double-teaming Banks… who fired back with chops and a diving lariat!
Somewhere in that burst back, Banks seemed to tweak his knee and ankle (which forced him off shows for the next week), but he was able to tag out to Dunne for some “Chief forearms to Parker, and a spear to ELIJAH as the Chief Deputy started to get a small measure of revenge for what happened previously. Parker’s then sent out into an accidental tope to ELIJAH, with Banks and a reluctant Dunne following up with airborne action of their own!
Back inside, a shotgun dropkick and a back cracker almost puts away ELIJAH, but in the end a springboard lungblower from Dunne is caught as he’s met with a Detonation kick and a nice Electric Chair facebuster for a near-fall. Superkicks follow from everyone as the match seemed to enter its final strait, with Dunne and Banks forced into a kiss, but that fires them up into some enziguiris, before a Lion’s Clutch and a Cobra Clutch would have ended it… except Bishop causes a distraction. He and Santos get involved as the camera misses a low blow to Banks behind the referee’s back, before an assisted top rope DDT gets a near-fall on Dunne!
Another Parade of Moves follows, with Banks again having to deal with Bishop, who trips him (and somehow doesn’t get disqualified). In the midst of the world’s longest ejection, Santos and Banks takes down Parker with a big stomp/Big End combo, before a springboard lungblower from Dunne puts away Drew. Yep, Nothing To Prove lose again, and this time they’re outplayed at their own game! A (sssh) fun main event, as Banks and Dunne worked together like they’d never been apart! ***½
Say what you will about the Nothing To Prove storyline, but ATTACK! have found something that is working with Mike Bird – even if we are at day one with his feud with Wild Boar. There’s a lot of intrigue here, but with ATTACK! building to their Embassy Bingo-Mania show this weekend, it’ll be interesting to see who they get to play with considering half of the British scene seems to be in America!