It’s only mid-January but ATTACK! are already two shows deep into 2018, with their first trip to Cardiff of the year producing more than a handful of surprises.
Chief Deputy Dunne vs. Eddie Dennis vs. Mike Bird vs. Chuck Mambo vs. Travis Banks
Joel Allen’s still the referee here… so what the hell was Chris Roberts playing at? You could ask the same of Santos Jr, who wrecked a fan’s whiteboard moments into the show, just in case it was fun. You know, like “Stupid Sexy” Travis Banks, who was on hand just to wind up Dunne as ever.
Mike Bird was with the good guys tonight, so this was really four-on-one against the Anti-Fun Police, despite Dunne’s first shot on Banks, as it was followed by the good guys sending him outside before it became one of those every-man-for-themselves deals. A superkick’s caught by Bird, who told Mambo “I’d rather you didn’t”, as his comedy protests continue amid a Mambo surfboard.
Eventually the revolving door takes us back to Dunne and Banks, with Banks edging out before Santos Jr. decides to come in to stop “stupid sexy Travis”… by grinding on the referee and dry humping Banks. Send for the man, again!
They play with a “gun” until Dunne makes the save for his cohort, and it’s back to the match as we go to the human centipede of legscissors, that Santos breaks up with a big splash. Ah, comic relief!
We’re back to the dives courtesy of a moonsault from Bird, a springboard senton from Mambo, and finally a frog splash that almost ends the match. Instead, Eddie Dennis returns with a vicious wheelbarrow before Mike Bird hits a piledriver… and yes, the Parade of Moves must continue, with Bird eventually knocking Banks outside with a springboard forearm. Just in time for Santos to dive again!
Dunne eventually follows, courtesy of a crucifix bomb to the outside, but Mambo’s quickly back in to hit the Reefbreaker, before wheelbarrowing Eddie out of a Next Stop Driver for the win! A surprise win for Mambo in a fairly typical multi-man opener – some comedy, some dives, but probably not a match that’ll linger in your minds for long. **¾
El Phantasmo vs. Mark Andrews
Ah, so this is what Roberts is playing at – he’s sharing refereeing duties with Joel Allen.
They keep it grounded early on, with ELP trying to out-psyche Andrews with a high-five out of the corner… from there, the tempo goes up a little, with headscissors being cartwheeled out of before the obligatory missed dropkick duel. Once the crowd bullied Roberts into a flip, we’re back to armdrags and stuff, before ELP lands a nice dropkick that earned him a solid two count… and possibly some of Andrews’ teeth.
Andrews tries to shove away an attempt at ropewalking, but it’s second time lucky for ELP, who even does some of it one-footed before he’s pulled down. There’s chops for the hometown favourite, as ELP insists on his rope walk, before he’s beached in the corner… so Chris Roberts helps him out before a leapfrog armdrag gets ELP down once and for all.
Phantasmo quickly rebounds with the whirlibird neckbreaker, before a Lionsault almost ends it… but he’s able to quickly fend off anything from Andrews, landing an enziguiri before Andrews finally stopped his flips with one of his own. A superkick from ELP ends that comeback as both men crash to the mat.
ELP’s back on fire with a pop-up cutter that seemed to be the signal for him to go airborne again, but the frogsplash/moonsault combination’s aborted halfway through, as Andrews makes one more comeback, landing a Stundog Millionaire and a shooting star press for the win. Short and sweet, but really good stuff – not quite the level as ELP’s coming out party the prior weekend, but very enjoyable and easy to watch. ***¼
Oh for God’s sake Jim, just because Chief Deputy Dunne’s already been out, it doesn’t mean you can say “fun”.
Brothers of Obstruction (James & Leigh Obstruction) vs. Aussie Open (Kyle Fletcher & Mark Davis)
There’s mucho stalling from the more recent of the former tag champions, with the Brothers wanting the crowd to settle down. Of course, that wasn’t happening, so Fletcher tries to get things going with a headlock before he’s shoved off for a shoulderblock in the early stages.
Tags out bring in Mark Davis to absorb something approximating chops, before giving a high five to both of the Brothers. Yep, that’s more of a punishment than a celebration…
The Brothers manage to get things going their way when Kyle Fletcher’s in, utilising plenty of double-teaming to keep him down and away from a tag out. One of the Brothers busts out an imploding standing senton, which looked fun, before Fletcher manages to get free for the eventual hot tag… culminating in his stacking up the brothers in the corner for a diving forearm.
Davis keeps up with an inverted Angle slam, before going to the one-handed powerbomb and… dive? It’s a fake-out as Kyle goes flying, but the Brothers again cut them off as a flying ‘cutter’s aborted… and it’s their turn to dive, with duelling somersault planchas as that looked to be fun… and not entirely safe? Nor was the elevated DDT to Kyle, but they don’t go for a pin because… reasons, as Davis comes back to slam them both at the same time. Now that’s freaky strength!
In the end, it’s Davis who nearly eats the pin after a top rope ‘rana and big splash, but he responds with a double suplex, before the double-team cutter almost gets the Aussies the win. Things get even more unsafe when the Brothers escape a pop-up piledriver before scoring with a Blockbuster on Fletcher, and finally a double-team back suplex and a top rope moonsault to Davis. This was very odd… aside from the Tipton stuff, the Brothers of Obstruction felt extremely lacking as bad guys here. It seems without the rest of the Anti-Fun Police, the “lesser members” are just there… although given than we’ve got good guys as champions, I suppose we have to have villains winning underneath in case they suddenly challenge? ***
Or are the Brothers bad guys? They raise the hands and give a thumbs up to the Aussies afterwards… I’m so confused!
Nothing To Prove (ELIJAH & Drew Parker) vs. Pigeon Murder Squad (Chris Brookes & Pete Dunne)
Nothing To Prove were in full force here, with Bishop accompanying Parker and ELIJAH to ringside. Expect shenanigans. Like their opponents, who reunited their brief tag team from Lucha Forever…
Oh yeah, I forgot Dunne was ATTACK!’s 24/7 champion.
ELIJAH and Parker jumped their opponents at the bell, but another jump from Drew ends badly as he’s swatted out of mid-air with a forearm as, yet again, Nothing to Prove, were left looking like toothless buffoons. There’s a nice spot where Brookes has Parker in an Octopus hold on the floor, and encourages him to reach out for the ropes… except “it’s a human”. D’oh!
There’s legit no getting out when @OBEYBrookes has you all wrapped up. #TagMeIn pic.twitter.com/8SXGT9I7cM
— AJ 🎟 (@ajceezus) January 13, 2018
The pain keeps coming for Drew as he eats a back suplex onto the ring, then a superkick as Brookes looked to have him up for a package piledriver, meaning that it would be ELIJAH who would have to fight back. Yeah, right…
He does brawl with Dunne into the crowd, while Brookes and Parker wander around ringside as well, eventually meeting up again as the Pigeon Murder Squad wrenched on Parker’s arm around the ringpost. ELIJAH gets it too, with a stomp to the elbow and forearm, and we’ve got the ATTACK! debut (I think) of picture in picture, since we’ve got to focus on Drew’s selling while all hell breaks loose again.
Things sorta settle down in the ring as Parker’s put in a Tree of Woe so Lykos can “pee” on him, before a wet willie looked to make Parker’s night even worse… except Pete makes it a two-for-one!
Some brief hope for the bad guys ends when Parker hits ELIJAH with a boot off the apron, before Drew’s brought back in for a delayed X-Plex… ELIJAH rushes in with a Slingblade, but any faith you may have mustered in those guys quickly falls off as ELIJAH takes a powerbomb with a kick on the way down, before the rope-hung neckbreaker and tombstone looked to end things…
Parker makes the save on that cover with a double stomp, and takes a superkick for his troubles, before replying with a Benadryller to Brookes as the tempo quickens again. ELIJAH and Parker try hitting Dunne with forearms, but you know how that goes… they do recover for Drew to hit Brookes with a release Falcon arrow, but his 450 off the top misses as Brookes and Dunne hit back once more, eventually killing Parker with a kick-assisted Jay Driller for the win. Yep, Nothing to Prove lose again, and I’m thinking by now that this has to be a rib. Really one-sided, but it kept the crowd happy, so can you really complain? ***
Wild Boar vs. Will Ospreay
Another ATTACK! surprise as we get the Cardiff debut of that young up-and-comer Will Ospreay. You might have heard of him…
It’s easily the weirdest venue that IWGP junior title belt’s appeared in, and it’s almost crushed from the off as Boar goes straight for Will with back sentons and cannonballs, before spearing Ospreay back into the fifth row as a set-up for another cannonball into the chairs. It’s certainly a high-impact start to proceedings…
…and Will keeps it that way with a Space Flying Tiger Drop, which gets one lone voice to chant “this is awesome”. Fortunately it doesn’t end there as Ospreay keeps up the pace, whacking Boar with a forearm, before being met with a pumphandle fallaway slam. Nice! The Bret Hart bump into the turnbuckles follows as Ospreay’s whipped there, before an elbow to the neck from Boar has Will gasping for breath.
Ospreay’s selling works, even though there’s some chuckling through it, as the crowd get behind him, even when Boar bites him in the shoulder. To be fair, Boar’s offence is quite violent and high impact in those short bursts, but turfing Ospreay into the ropes was the first mistake as Will responded with a springboard overhead kick instead.
Ospreay aborts a Shibata dropkick, but instead is able to hit an enziguiri as Boar was in the turnbuckles before finally landing that dropkick… ahead of a running shooting star press for a solid two-count. He keeps up the pace with a springboard forearm, but we’re firmly in the “move, wait then do a move” phase, as Ospreay waits before going for an OsCutter, and that costs him as he eats pop-up powerbomb instead.
An attempt to go outside for respite goes wrong as Boar dives in with a shoulder tackle that took both men into the chairs. Eventually throwing Ospreay back into the ring, a big splash off the top doesn’t get it done… and that’s where the next Ospreay comeback ignites, as he no-sells an OsCutter that was countered into a German suplex, before rebounding from a second German and hitting a Spanish Fly instead!
Another barrage of back-and-forth strikes leads to Boar taking a kick to the head, before he headbutts away a Rainmaker… only delaying the lariat in the end as Ospreay tries to behead him later with a thwacking elbow to the back of the head. Out of nowhere, Boar retaliates with a snap sit-out piledriver, then a package piledriver… but somehow there’s enough in Ospreay for a kick-out!
Boar tries to end things with a Trapper Keeper off the top, but it’s headbutted away as Ospreay slips in a Cheeky Nando’s, before the OsCutter finally gets the job done. Phenomenal stuff once this got going, with Boar low-key being one of those guys who seems to always fly under the radar. Go out of your way to see this one folks! ****¼
ATTACK! Tag Team Championship: Bowl-a-Rama (Splits McPins & Lloyd Katt) vs. Moustache Mountain (Trent Seven & Tyler Bate)
The ATTACK! tag titles were on the line, which may have some cynics already calling a result. Cool your jets! Especially when Trent and Tyler had traded down their British Strong Style jackets for… hoodies?
Has someone cut their pay?
Trent’s goofing around with a pair of sunglasses at the start, right as Tyler tries to work over Splits’ wrist… which gives way to Tyler and Splits doing their wacky reversals at the same time. Is this Press Start already?
Katt tries a similar tactic, forward rolling towards Trent, but Seven just does the same time as the two big guys just make themselves dizzy. With enough left in them to bully Roberts into doing a roll. Ah well, this is an easy crowd, as they just cheer when both guys tire themselves out rolling… and nobody thought to sing the Limp Bizkit song? Talk about missing a softball…
Still knackered, Trent and Lloyd go through some intentionally half-arsed chops, which the crowd eats up, before duelling spinning backhand chops get us back to square one. There’s bowling ball-related offence as Trent and Tyler blast Splits with it, prompting the masked half of the tag champs to stay on the mat, prone as Tyler worked up from a reverse Boston crab into a Newton’s cradle, batting McPins’ head into Trent’s boot for the laughs.
Those laughs turned into boos as Moustache Mountain wore though McPins, quite literally when they used a Bushwhackers-ish battering ram… but it made the hot tag all the more worth it. Except first we had some weird gimmick where Lloyd and Trent had fans holding their hands for leverage, which I couldn’t make head nor tail of.
The search for a hot tag continued when Trent pulled Katt off the apron, but the wait doesn’t go for too much longer as Lloyd gets in and splats into Moustache Mountain with cannonballs and splashes. There’s even a pull-in slam for Tyler for it too, before McPins is thrown in with a hiptoss that turned into a Blockbuster-ish neckbreaker on Bate for a solid two-count.
Moustache Mountain return with a double-team flipping powerbomb that gets a two-count on Splits, before we move to the obligatory battle of forearms as a Parade of Moves broke out, with Katt eating a rebound lariat from Bate. Tyler misses some running shooting stars, and instead takes a roll-up Flatliner from McPins as the Parade continues, ending with Trent eating the Strong Zero from Bowl-a-rama (the stuff Dudebuster) for another two-count.
The champions looked to go for their finish, but Tyler aborts that as Splits takes a Seven Star lariat and a piledriver for another two-count… then a flying piledriver as Tyler tried his luck, following in with a one-inch punch… to a bowling ball! Trent tries again, but this time he slaps the ball, before Lloyd takes a Tyler punch for him, as the challengers looked to finish off with the piledriver and a Tyler Driver…
But still Splits kicks out!
The bowling ball comes back into play as Moustache Mountain went for a doomsday device, and it ends up backfiring as the ball gets thrown into Trent, ahead of More Bang for Your Buck, as Katt picked up the decisive three-count to retain the belts! A really big win for Bowl-a-Rama, with plenty of each team’s shtick without it being overly comedy-heavy. ***½
Oh yeah, Lloyd Katt almost got coerced into singing, but instead they just had a four-way thumbs up as the show went off air… So, ATTACK!’s second show of the year was pretty decent – there’s some parts I’m not entirely enamoured with (although they surely aren’t going to keep on beating Nothing To Prove like a drum, are they?), but on the whole it’s still a really fun product to keep track of, with plenty of cameos from some of your favourites as well!