Originally written when See No Evil was released in 2006…
Remember when Kane had his throat crushed on TV by Gene Snitsky, before going away for a bit? This is the product of that time off, and by Christ, it sucks!
The opening minutes of the movie take us towards some sort of a cult shrine at the end of a bloody hallway, as Kane makes his debut after 3 minutes, hacking off the arm of a policeman – which still twitches with a torn in its grip. He’s shot by a policeman as a blinded victim rocks on the floor. A cliched series of hacked-together news reports follows in lieu of the movie’s background story. We then jump forward four years to someone taking a leak while having flashbacks of said incident, before hopping once more to some prisoners, whose name appears on screen for about a second each. Hope you have a good memory!
Those prisoners are being bussed to do some community service… and their eventual destination turns out to be a monster of an abandoned hotel where a little old lady waits to let them in to work on the rat-infested building that was going to be renovated into a homeless shelter. At roughly this point, we hear some ominous noises from upstair as two female prisoners have a cliched conversation over a cigarette, as the guard with the world’s worst prosthetic hand joins in, and it looks like the claw-man has a thing for one of the prisoners.
Some gratuitous nudity follows as we see one of the women in the shower – from the back, thankfully for the censors – as two other prisoners decide to go through the hotel in search of a mystical safe. En route they found signs of life in the form of a freshly killed corpse minus its eyes. Richie freaks out, and ends up taking a hook to the leg from… Jacob Goodnight! He gets hauled down the corridor by the leg, and we jump back to one of the guards who unwittingly gets knocked out by the elevator’s roof, before we see Jacob removing those eyeballs… which then get plopped in a jar. If you have a queasy stomach, you won’t have lasted beyond the half hour mark!
Another prisoner gets injured as she tried to escape via a kitchen window, before she wanders into the dumb waiter where she gets hooked and dragged by our friend Kane once more. The screams of pain aren’t that convincing, given what’s happened, and the rest is textbook. As for the other group of wandering prisoners, they go around the hallways smashing stuff, as the security guard realises that the wanderer is the guy he shot four years ago.
As the guard goes to rescue Kira (the first missing lass), he gets hooked in the jaw and hoisted away, before returning eyeball-less. Back to the last remaining group who find what must have been an old presidential lounge… except Kane’s looking at them from across the room through a drinks cabinet, where he’s gotten Kira all tied up. He fondles her religious necklace and tattoos, before hoisting her away… we can probably guess what happens next as they cut to two other prisoners making out and dry humping. By this point it feels way too rushed, kind of like your typical WWE storyline!
We cut back to Kira in a cage where she’s looking at some of her now deceased fellow inmates, as we see another shot of Kane plucking eyeballs out of one of the remaining live prisoners. More fondling of Kira, which turns into forced shower as we segue back to the lovemaking, and again to Kane, courtesy of an elaborate wire and bell system that’d been set up to determine when the bed was being used for more than just sleep! They go on the run, devising a plan that’d let them abseil down to the conservatory/atrium below. Kane comes in as one of the women gets lowered down… which leads to that shot we all saw in the movie teasers of her falling head first through the glass. For some reason, they keep the camera focused on her cut open hands, as a dog comes into the atrium to lick up the blood, giving us a different method of dying: death by dogs!
Another couple wanders into Kane, and they actually put up a fight, but it only delays the inevitable as he goes loco with an axe. A ringing mobile phone gives the game away, as the Australian ends up with her mobile being forcibly swallowed. You know how they say those things are a choking hazard… well, we find out why! We get down to the final three, and they pretty much give themselves away to Kane, who bursts through a wall, and then into the elevator as the last two escape once more.
An hour in, they survivors find Kane’s hiding place – a room papered with money and eyeballs, and is also the place where Kira had been hidden. They find Kira, but disappear just before Kane returns (through the same door they just fled by) so he can masturbate to his caged fancy. In the meantime, his stash of eyeball jars gets smashed up as a diversion for a rescue attempt. Our next death comes when Kane grabs Tyson’s hand and tazers the convict, before crushing him to death with some unit. One of the hotel owners walks in on the caged Kira as Kane returns… and the story comes out – the little old lady is his mother! Altogether now, this was a set-up all along, as she wanted revenge on the prison guard who shot Kane all those years ago.
The mother eggs on Kane to kill Kira, but he grows a spine and refuses as the old lady picks up a gun to shoot her. Kane saves the day with a long flashback sequence that makes him see the error of his ways, before picking up his mother and throwing her into a spike on the wall. He then pulls Kira out of the cage and drags her away. Our next scene is of Kane cradling Kira as the final female survivor poises to shoot him… except there’s no bullet in the gun. Kane grabs the pair by the throat, and prepares to pluck out some more eyes when the final survivor returns and bludgeons him with an axe and another blunt object, sending worms and all manner of creepy crawlies out of the back of his head. A wacky comedy 3-on-1- beating ensures that Kane gets thrown out of a window, but not to his death, as he implayes himself on a spike before Kira drives a pipe into his eye, sending him crashing through the atrium as he dies a comedic death, picking up two pipes in the head, banging off a few walls before he impales himself through the heart upon landing.
After the death of the lead character, the movie has a bit of a lull in the final minutes as the three survivors – Mike, Christine and Kira – walk out into the lobby and out of the hotel, as the movie fades to black, before returning as a dog pisses into the empty hole that once held Kane’s eyeball.
Well, it wasn’t the best movie you’ll ever see – far from it – but at 78 minutes from start to finish, it was just way too short to cram in every single character into the movie and get the storyline going, kind of like a bad episode of TNA! Some of the killing sequences in the movie were bordering on the comedic, especially Kane’s final Naked Gun-esque fall to his death. From a character standpoint, the character of Jacob Goodnight didn’t develop much of a personality beyond “hey, it’s that guy from the wrestling” to the point that this movie will only attract curious moviegoers and the wrestling fanbase.
If you have a penchant for dodgy horror flicks, or want to see a wrestler in a lead role in a movie, grab this on DVD, otherwise steer well clear. The contents of the DVD itself are good – with two commentary tracks and a pile of featurettes and segments – but the movie itself is best forgotten. If you do have to watch it, make sure you’re drunk!