After a glitch in the system, ATTACK!’s annual video-game inspired show became a universe-bending reality!

Rebranded as “Press 5tart”, the whole ATTACK! world was back to front, starting with the sped-up, dial-up riddled ATTACK! opening sting. Ah, those AOL days… Jim Lee’s dressed up as Jaida Roberts for this show, and with the odd chair in the crowd turned back to front we start with the ATTACK! logo upside down and in the wrong corner… wait, that’s not Bowl-a-Rama?!

ATTACK! Tag Team Championship: “Bowl-a-Rama” (“Splits McPins” & “Lloyd Katt”) vs. “#CCK” (“Chris Brookes” & “Kid Lykos”) (c)
This is going to be a joy to recap! The flipped universe had Chris Brookes and Lloyd Katt swapping roles, whilst Lykos and McPins traded old school gear too… so we had a bowling wolf and nobody thought anything of it! Especially as “Katt” had the wide gait and the belly flop onto the apron down pat! Continuing the swaps, we had Shay Purser as Chris Roberts, which meant he got cheered…

“This is normal!” – and really bloody weird to watch!

“Splits” yells at “Lykos” to shut up, prompting “Lykos” to cower in the corner… everyone’s having a ball, and nobody’s touched yet! When they did a wrestle, “Splits” hit a sweet Rolling Thunder onto “Lykos”, before “Chris Brookes” tags in to face against “Lloyd Katt”. Yes, I’m going to be making great use of those quote marks here!

“Katt” waddles in and shoots down “Brookes” – who was wearing the right ring gear – with a shoulder tackle. We get “Katt” just walking away from a leapfrog, before decking “Brookes” who called him “a fat turd”. “Lloyd” Katts” up, before landing a crossbody as “Splits” throws a bowling ball onto “Brookes”’ arm. “Splits” is left out as he wanted “Katt” to slam “#CCK” onto his knee… probably for the best that that didn’t happen!

“#CCK” did their usual elevated Codebreaker/back senton combo onto “Splits” for a near-fall, as “Brookes” gave “Splits” a wet willie… right into the familiarly-closed-eared mask. “Lykos” even tried a brainbuster, hitting it at the third attempt! That’s not how it works! “Katt” comes back in and slingshots “Lykos” into a slam, only for the Wolf to be taken down by “Bowl-a-Rama”, as “Splits” dove to the floor. Ditto “Katt”, whose tope was slightly more agile than usual, before “Bowl-a-Rama” looked for More Bang For Your Buck…

That went awry as “Lykos” delivered the Lo Mein Pain to “Splits”, before a Magic Killer earned a near-fall when “Katt” broke up the cover. In the end though, some corner-to-corner uppercuts left “Splits” open for a double superkick for a near-fall, before “Bowl-a-Rama” hit part of More Bang For Your Buck, as “Lykos” finally drilled “Splits” with a brainbuster for the win… and “#CCK” retain their tag titles. Utterly bonkers stuff, but really good to watch! ***½

Extremely Confused Drew is up next, as we go back to the past for Sab-Drew! Except it’s Danny Jones in the not-so-baggy pants! Then we get another blast, as we had the return of the vaping San-Drew – portrayed by Beano… then the Drew Meanie, who may well be Brendan White. Did someone hit rewind?! Finally we’re complete as some ominous music hits as Extremely Confused Drew became Wackily-Confused Drew… as this time he emerged as Sting! Complete with the Crow facepaint and baseball bat. I’m done folks, this is never going to be topped!

Sab-Drew vs. San-Drew vs. Drew Meanie vs. WCW Drew
WC-Drew opened up with baseball bat shots and Stinger Splashes, because of course he would, before Meanie gave him an Exploder suplex to the floor. That was harsh!

Drew Meanie gets a chair thrown at him, as does WC-Drew and San-Drew, before we get dives from all, including WC-Drew, culminating in San-Drew doing a flip in his croc-skin trousers! Back in the ring, San-Drew misses a senton onto Sab-Drew as we all go to miss-flip city, before Sab-Drew succeeded with an Arabian Press onto WC-Drew for a near-fall. WC-Drew takes a triple superkick to wipe him out before Drew Meanie played “oops upside your head” with San-Drew, who looked like he was drunk enough to do it. Sab-Drew joins in, but WC-Drew just pushes them over into a human centipede Scorpion Deathlock for the three-way submission! Well that was all kinds of fun, if absolute nonsense! *¾

“Pete Dunne” vs. “Tyler Bate”
They swapped roles! Tyler Bate came out with Pete’s ATTACK! 24/7 title (which apparently swapped hands along with that WWE UK title), wearing Peter’s ring gear… along with a cute drawn-on cat on his knee! Somehow, Bate looked more grizzled that Dunne, despite being younger!

Meanwhile, Dunne came out as Tyler, with a false moustache, waving like his life depended on it. He even wore a flesh-covered knee-pad to cover his (real) tattoo. The ever-useless Shay (played by Chris Roberts) paraded that 24/7 title as if it were on the line, but we’d been told before that it wasn’t… This is awkward! “Pete” ripped off “Tyler’s” moustache at the bell as the pair started with good ol’ fashioned wrestling! It literally was their Takeover match, but in reverse! “Peter” works a toehold over “Bate”, who spun free and twiddled his now-disappeared moustache before going to the airplane spin!

A low blow from “Dunne” as the ref “Shay” messed around with the turnbuckles let to a Pedigree… but “Bate” managed to get back into it, countering a mounted guillotine into a suplex. “Tyler” learned how to counter a Bitter End too, switching it into a DDT before a German suplex got a near-fall. He had to powerbomb free of “Dunne”’s armbar too, only to fall to an X-Plex for another near-fall as the champion came close to retaining.

The insanity continued as “Tyler” pulled off the shoulder-rebound on the top rope into a clothesline as both men just laid into each other, ending with a forearm and a Bitter End for yet another near-fall. Yep, on the indies, there’s more than one Bitter End! “Tyler” delivers a Bop/Bang punch, then a Koppo Kick, before a Tyler Driver gets a near-fall… that “Shay” froze up for… and that’s the cue for the Anti-Fun Police to ruin everything as this match just stopped. It was fun while it lasted, like everything on this show! ***¾

So, the wheelchair-deposed Chief Deputy Dunne rolled out… as did Los Federales Santos Jr. Who wasn’t in a wheelchair. Fat jokes! Dunne had the ATTACK! Pro Wrestling Game Cube, and I just realised that Santos’ mask had slits in the side for his sunglasses to go. I love detail!

Out comes the rest of the Anti-Fun Police… in Mark Andrews?! Eddie Dennis!? Morgan Webster (wearing Dunne’s no fun trunks)?! How could they?! They hit the ring and beat down on “Tyler”, apprehending him and taking him to the back as things went from bad to worse.

Tables Match: “Mike Bird” & “Wild Boar” vs. “Eddie Dennis” & “Nixon Newell”
Well this is an easy one to do, I guess… Bird and Boar played each other whilst the role of the fun-loving Eddie Dennis was Ryan Smile, and “Nixon Newell” ended up being Kyle Fletcher. Who had that entrance down pat! And got “welcome back” chants”. Ah, what is life anymore?!

“Bird” and “Boar went after their “Welsh” opponents, and “Bird” had no problem in getting the boot up in the corner. Of course, “Boar” struggled as always, which had the crowd in stitches as the Welsh pair then worked over “Bird”’s arm before they headed outside for Nixon to “do a flip”. Or a dive. Whatever worked!

That then segued into the crowd geeing up “Shay” for a dive, and my God we got it as “Shay” leapt off the apron into the pile below! Back in the ring, “Nixon” walloped “Boar” with a headbutt, then a Welsh Destroyer, before chokeslamming “Boar” off the apron through a handily-placed table at ringside! But the match isn’t over as “Bird” rushes in to get revenge for his partner, before buggering off to the back… and returning with… a health heart?! It’s an extra life for the “Boar” and we’re back in it!

“Bird” and “Boar” go through their usual stuff until “Eddie” runs in with clotheslines, but his comeback died when he fell back whilst trying to do the trademark fallaway slam/Samoan drop. After a brief spell of offence from “Nixon”, a high-pitched Shining Wizard followed before “Boar” grabbed her boobs en route to a pop up powerbomb. She recovered for another screeching wizard, but that too is cut-off, as “Nixon” eventually takes a gutbuster/frog splash. In the end, “Eddie” takes a piledriver off the apron from “Bird”, through the table, and that’s enough to get “Bird” and “Boar” the win as their “Welsh” opponents had no lives remaining. A fun, albeit slightly confusing tables match, but this was entirely in keeping with the rest of the show… these guys watch each other way too much! ***½

“Love Making Demon” vs. “Elijah”
Yes, they swapped here, with Elijah looking plain bonkers as the mask-less Demon, showing the depth’s of human passion on some lucky guy in the front row. Meanwhile, I have no clue who played “Elijah” under the Demon’s mask. Hey-ho…

This was an extremely lewd match, with “Chris Roberts” cracking up in the first minute. “Elijah” had enough of the “Demon” stealing “his” stuff, and even more when he was dry humped… “The Demon” grabbed “Elijah” for a Ballsplex, only to get taken outside for a cracking forearm and an apron back suplex. Back in the ring, the Demon busted out some more lewdness, including a dry humping pin and a sunset flip that became an orgy once they rolled onto “Chris Roberts”. Once they’d had their fun, “Elijah” pulled down the “Demon” into a rear chinlock, only for the “Demon” to escape and throw some hip attacks… and mounted groin thrusts in the corner. A sliding headbutt into “Elijah’s” own demons set up for a tombstone slam for another near-fall, but in the end an implant DDT was enough for “Elijah” to snatch the win for himself and his temporary WWE tattoos! A decent outing, and perhaps the lewdest match not involving Joey Ryan! **¾

The Anti-Fun Police (Mark Andrews, Eddie Dennis & Flash Morgan Webster) vs. The Brothers of Construction (Jim Construction & Leigh Construction) & “Mark Andrews”
The Anti-Fun Newbies didn’t get any new names, whilst the Brothers of Obstruction reverted to their good guy days. “Mark Andrews” ended up being Travis Banks, complete with skateboard and a backwards baseball cap, for all the world being a real world version of that “hello, fellow young kids” meme. Hell, he even got the right entrance music AND a Windows ding!

Just to show how glitched this all was, we even got chants of “Tipton’s Real”. Joke, broken!

It was quite a sight to see FSU and Webster as eviltons, and they seem to be having the time of their lives. Even if fun was banned. Jump starts weren’t banned though, nor was the sly line of “I’m from Wales” as “Andrews” fell into the crowd – and indeed, the first part of this match was exclusively outside the ring. Eddie stole “Andrews”’ skateboard, but he wasn’t too downbeat as he got to chop away at Webster for the hell of it.

When the ring was finally used, it was “Andrews” and Webster going at it all lucha style, before the really villainous Andrews broke that up, only to take the Brothers’ giant swing/dropkick combo. Eddie tried to assert some authority, but was taken down by the Brothers as they and “Andrews” triple-teamed Dennis, before “Andrews” was nailed with a knee-drop by, erm, Andrews for a near-fall.

Eddie has to ask for permission to drop his knee, and of course, it misses, as the good guys took over for a spell, dispatching of the Anti-Fun Police courtesy of a “whazzup” headbutt whilst “Andrews” had the ref tied up. Heck, we even had Santos Jr. yelling “do your job” like an angry Cartman! Andrews’ attempt at a springboard Codebreaker out of the corner was thwarted as the Brothers came back into it, before Eddie faced off against a rather different “Andrews”, who still went through “Mark”’s usual stuff… including countering Andrews’ suplex with a Stundog Millionaire. Of all the people to expect that move! In the end, Chief Deputy Dunne threatened “Andrews” by destroying the sacred GameCube if he landed a shooting star press… Santos then went ahead and tried to sit on the console, but the world was saved by the Brothers of Construction, only for Santos to low-blow “Andrews” and put everyone at risk again.

“Andrews” gets arrested and the entire Anti-Fun contingent disappear as Santos threatens to sit on the GameCube again, but once more the Brothers of Construction saved the day with some superkicks and a version of the 3D! The Brothers then put things right, “fixing” the ATTACK! world with a copy of… Press Start 5! Even though it meant that it would revert the Brothers back to their old selves, giving them an ethical dilemma!

So, the GameCube was closed and everything glitched out again as the world was righted, by way of a wacky video effect that looked to give Chief Deputy Dunne a seizure. Cue “Party Hard”, and out came FSU as their regular selves, along with Webster, as our video editor seemed to mash away on the button to change camera angles. It was a fine segment to pitch to Kevin Dunn for a future job!

Of course, the fun was almost ruined when Santos and the Brothers of Obstruction hit the ring, but that’s nothing that dives couldn’t fix! A spike Next Stop Driver to one of the Brothers would have won it… but out came Shay and his smarmy self to freeze up the count, and all was right again! Especially when Chris Roberts came out to give Shay a Stunner, taking him out of the equation as a shooting star press earned the good guys the win. A wonderfully told story to wrap up one of the most fun and unusual shows I’ve seen in many a year! ***¼

This was one of the weirdest shows I’ve ever watched. ATTACK! have consistent putting on some of the most fun shows this year, and whilst this was perhaps a show that could be lost on new fans or those who are so familiar with the ATTACK! roster, this was a show that looked like a blast to be at. ATTACK! is a perfect mixture of comedy with good wrestling – where else would you be able to see Travis Banks as a skateboarding Welsh man, or the Hunter brothers as evil forms of Bob the Builder? If you’ve never tried them before, give ATTACK! a go – with shows like this, you won’t regret being a part of their wacky and wonderful world!