ATTACK! Pro Wrestling ended their year in usual style, with a pre-Christmas “MistleTour”.

The opening show took place at their home base in Cardiff, the Cathays Youth & Community Centre, and we started with the Anti-Fun Police of Sergeant Banks and Chief Deputy Dunne, and heel referee Shay Purser spoiling the party. Dunne wanted no fun on Christmas, but they still had a present for everyone… and it came from Sergeant Banks’ trunks!

So, after putting on some rubber gloves, Sergeant Banks dished out the presents… lumps of coal! The festivities ended with the interruption of “Raving” Danny Jones and the Love Making Demon. Referee Shay didn’t want the Demon around, and I guess we’re into our first match (since Brendan White vs. Elijah Dahl was cut off):

Travis Banks vs. Danny Jones
Now Shay’s a bad guy, the “one, two, three – ding ding ding” interplay has been replaced with “one, two, three – shut up Shay!”.

Banks took an early bump for a whistle blowing, and they go back and forth as Banks tried to deflect the whistle back at Jones. What are we watching?! Banks took over with punches as he finally confiscated the whistle and pulled down his knee pads to avoid a shin kick… cue a “health and safety” chant!

The knee pads finally come up, but Banks misses a knee drop… and it’s time for some ravin’ fun! Jones ends the sequence with a tiltawhirl flapjack for a near-fall, before the Love Making Demon arrives with some mistletoe as Banks kisses his rear end. The mistletoe comes in again when the Demon runs headfirst into Banks’ crotch, then when Chief Deputy Dunne gets a smooch from the Demon.

Finally Banks gets rid of the Demon, then hugs referee Shay as Dunne comes in to whack Danny with a sack of coal… and there’s the small package for the win. This was fun and nonsense… and I loved it! ***

After the match, Sergeant Banks had to be held back from a kid, as Jones and the Demon then kissed under the mistletoe. Cue more Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas”, and more of Danny Jones dancing in the ring.

Bird & Boar (Wild Boar & Mike Bird) vs. The Drew-dley Boys (Bubba Ray Drew-dley/Drew Parker & T-Von/Tyler Bate)
Tonight, Matthew, Extremely Confused Drew came as one half of the Dudley Boyz… and had Tyler Bate in tow as the other half! We’ll ignore the pasting tables…

Bird and Boar jump T-Von from the start, and after a brief comeback, T-Von and Bubba Ray Drew-dly took down the Boar and tried to isolate him. Boar finally got back into it by biting T-Von, as Bird came in and threw T-Von into Boar’s foot.

Bird ran the ropes for a while and ended with a stiff slap to T-Von, who replied with a lariat… but Boar knocked Drew off the apron to prevent a tag from being made. A lifting reverse DDT gets T-Von Bate some breathing space, and finally a tag out to Drew. Big back bodydrop on Boar! Bubba Bomb! And another tag out to T-Von as the alternative 3D is landed, before they set up for the Wazzup headbutt, only for Bird to make the save…. Or so he thought, as T-Von dropped the head down to Mike’s Birds.

The (pasting) tables came into play next, but they took an age to set up… and when they did, it was Boar who went through it with a 3D. Drew went for the second table, but Bird cut him off, before T-Von was isolated for an Alabama Slam into a forearm, a German suplex then a series of of spears and cannonballs. Drew mounted another comeback, but took a double-team German suplex through the other table, which left T-Von all alone for a Fireman’s carry Gutbuster and a frog splash for the win. Since Drew wasn’t pinned, the 24/7 title remains around his waist, as Bird and Boar take a valuable win. Again, quite a lot of nonsense, but it’s Christmas! ***¼

Well… Drew nearly left without his title, as Tyler Bate rolled him up to score a shock near-fall, before Drew did a runner!

ATTACK! Tag Team Championship: Bowl-a-Rama (Splits McPins & Lloyd Katt) vs. #CCK (Chris Brookes & Kid Lykos) (c)
The storyline here was that McPins and Katt “needed to win the tag titles” to rescue their Bowlarama in Hackney. Yep, the fans bought into this story big time!

#CCK have new gear, which just doesn’t sit right with me… neither did Brookes’ spitting water on fans. Lykos looks like a bleeding Power Ranger in his new shiny bodysuit!

Brookes and Splits started out, and it was McPins who took an early knee drop on the arm as he looked to neutralise the masked bowler. Once Lykos tagged in, McPins gained the upper hand with a push-down stomp before bringing in Katt, as the pair dropped a bowling ball over Lykos’ shiny arm.

Katt quickly ended up on the wrong side of the ring as the champions combined, with an assisted double stomp from Lykos getting a near-fall. They then used Lykos in a chicken-fight position to knock down McPins for another near-fall as the challengers looked to be struggling. Especially so when referee Shay kept working against the babyfaces, allowing the heels plenty of chances to cheat.

Lykos wears down McPins with a rear chinlock, then drags him back to the “wrong” corner with a leg lock, as Brookes looked to give McPins a wet willie to the mouth. Cue loads of retching… Another rear chinlock almost forced a submission as McPins battled back, reversing a suplex, before dropping Lykos with a brainbuster.

Lloyd Katt finally tagged in to clean house on the champions, dropping Lykos with a slingshot into a bodyslam. He then tagged McPins back into the path of a superkick from Lykos, who then ate a bowling ball after he tried to skin the cat back into the ring. A low-pe from McPins knocked down the champions after they’d tripped Katt to the outside, but again the champions hit back with a tornado DDT for a near-fall.

A double team spinning suplex got Brookes a near-fall, before they hit a Gory Bomb/neckbreaker combo for another near-fall. McPins comes back yet again with a spike DDT that sends Lykos into the corner, and we know what’s next… bowling ball to the groin! Katt dives out to Brookes on the outside, before McPins dumps Lykos with Luke Gallows’ old 12th Step. A frog splash from Katt gets a near-fall as Shay holds up the count, to a chorus of boos.

Bowl-a-rama then target evil Shay, dumping him with a superkick, just as Nixon Newell comes out a steel chair to lay out the challengers. Her double team fails as she superkicks Lykos, then gets wiped out with a handful of powder from Brookes, and blinded… she dumps him with a Welsh Destroyer. Out comes a second referee, and Bowl-a-Rama win! Another one for the nonsense but fun category, but there was a fun match hidden behind all this! ***

Lloyd Katt does the Terry Funk “forever” promo after announcing that he’d saved Bowl-a-Rama… funny!

Mark Andrews vs. Nixon Newell
The Battle of Bayside High started when Nixon Newell came out through the crowd with a chair, then landed a Welsh Destroyer for an early near-fall.

Newell took out her gumshield – since she’s still going all Pete Dunne – and but fell into the path of a 619 from Andrews, who then flipped out of another Destroyer, then dropkicked her for a near-fall. Andrews hits his floating Northern Lights suplex, before he gets rolled up by Newell as he took too long for his standing moonsault.

Newell dumped Andrews on his head with a German suplex, then flew in with a double stomp for a near-fall, before she shook referee Shay’s hand to thank him for his leniency. An octopus hold sees Newell try and force a submission from Andrews, then tried to bite him as he reached a hand out for the ropes. Andrews turned that into a facebuster to free himself, as he followed up with a pair of double knees in the corner, before dropping Nixon with an apron enziguiri.

They trade forearms on the apron, before Andrews forces Nixon to bite her own hand. They then go into the crowd, which is a set-up for a tope con hilo from Andrews. Back in a ring, a roll-up into a ‘rana sends Nixon flying, as Andrews hits a standing shooting star for another near fall with referee Shay able to count once again!

Andrews goes up top, but dives over Newell before she decks him with a superkick to the head and a Shining Wizard for just a two-count. Andrews hit back with a wheelbarrow into a double stomp, but Nixon shoved the referee into the ropes as Andrews looked to end things. Another homage to Pete Dunne came with a finger biting, before the took him down with a top rope rana… but Andrews landed on his feet and countered a suplex with a Stundog Millionaire!

Out of nowhere, Andrews hit a Shiranui for a near-fall, but Newell hit back with another Pete Dunne Special – a Drop Dead for a near-fall. Just like Peter! Another roll-up from a Welsh Destroyer gets Andrews a near-fall, before she went for another Drop Dead, which gets turned into a reverse ‘rana, as Andrews hit Nixon with her own move! One Shooting Star Press later, and Mandrews gets the win! A little long perhaps, but this was really great stuff from Andrews and Nixon! ***¾

ATTACK! Championship: Damian Dunne vs. Eddie Dennis (c)
The Anti-Fun Police were back for the main event, as Chief Deputy Dunne looked to unseat Eddie Dennis.

Dennis started by kicking and punching away at Dunne, who declared “no fun!” and ran into an atomic drop… then a diving clothesline. A backdrop saw Dennis backdrop Dunne into Banks, then follow up with a tope con hilo as Dunne was dragged around the building and towards the merch tables, which got wiped out!

Eddie cleared some of the crowd so he could use their seats as a landing pad for Dunne, who ended up in the fourth row! Dunne pulled himself up using an inflatable snowman, before Sergeant Banks got involved to distract Dennis and start a comeback from the Anti Fun Police’s leader.

Dunne stomped away on Dennis’ head, in a bid to curb everyone’s fun, but the champion came back with chops and forearms in the corner briefly as they went back and forth. An enziguiri from the apron stuns Dennis, but he quickly fought back with a deadlift superplex to the challenger. Sergeant Banks takes another forearm as he tried to interfere, before Dunne was dumped into the corner with an Exploder suplex.

A swinging side slam gets Dennis a near-fall, but Dunne replied with a spear and a rebound German suplex for a near-fall as the Anti-Fun Police were thwarted once more. Dunne takes a uranage then a crucifix powerbomb out of the ring and into Travis Banks on the floor… that was a shock to the Sergeant, who tried to fight back, but got another right hand or two for his worries.

Chief Deputy Dunne went up onto the balcony, and we know what happens here in wrestling. Sure enough, Eddie joined him up there, then chokeslammed the evilton to a pile of bodies below. After returning to the ring, it was elementary as Eddie dropped Dunne with a Next Stop Driver for a near-fall as Banks pulled the referee out… and was promptly sent to the back!

In among the distraction, Chief Deputy Dunne grabbed hold of Eddie’s belt and hit him with it, but was still only able to get a near-fall, before eating a superkick as he went for a springboard. One Next Stop Driver later, and Eddie retained. A fine main event to send the crowd home happy! ***½

Nonsense, but fun. Those three words summed up a good portion of this show – in a fantastic way. Solid matches up and down the card, with a rabid crowd for pretty much everyone. This was one of those shows I wish I’d been to live for the atmosphere… and the best part is, they had a second one too. Merry Christmas everyone!